...in the search...

...sept. 21, 2011...i'll never forget...

2011-09-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

...the day the united states of america's state of georgia, without any evidence, and the recanting of 7 of the 9 original eyewitnesses whose testimony was used to convict, more than reasonable doubt of his guilt, killed troy davis...and wonders why something like sept. 11 happened (they are lucky it was the only one to date)...i will always remember and let this day, sept. 21, 2011 at 11:08pm est serve as fuel and motivation for the work i do...this day, that obama and clarence thomas and the state of georgia, despite worldwide outcries against this killing, approved the legal, state-sanctioned lynching of troy davis...i don't know if troy was guilty and that's why he shouldn't have been killed...my faith in us citizens to rise up was long ago dashed...but, i will not forget today, as i followed this travesty from abroad, where i was and what i was doing...the us has sped up its race to demise with such grand acts of injustice...the police kill us...anywhere they choose...sometimes they try to hide it by saying it was an accident...sometimes, like in this case, they don't even try to hide it...

...may your soul rest in peace troy davis and may your death not be in vain...

...thank you to amy goodman and democracynow for the amazing coverage and journalism...

...things have fallen apart for 50 cent, as they should!...

2011-09-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

...go chinua achebe

!!!!...thank you for standing strong and not buckling and letting the title of your book be used by fifty-cent for his film!!...chinua is a beast!!...i wish more african nations and leaders would take a cue from one of the greatest writers of all time and stop selling ourselves and our resources short...imagine the audacity and clearly stupidity of fifty-cent!!!...he'd never heard of the book Things Fall Apart!...what planet does he live on?...i hope he goes and at least reads the book!...this made my day!!!!...

...iquo essien!...she inspires me!....

2011-09-04T05:23:00.000-07:00

...i want to be like iquo essien!!!...she's an akwa-ibomite, like my mommy (though i also claim cross river, for my daddy!)!...go iquo!!!!!...check out a brief bio and interview about her and then check out her own stuff...a diasporic renaissance woman indeed!!!...

...donate to this incredible project!...

2011-08-03T03:29:00.000-07:00

...http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/864042768/dreamtown-a-soccer-documentary-in-ecuador?ref=card...

...an amazing project to document and follow the lives of three afro-ecuadorian soccer players as they pursue their dreams of playing professional soccer despite all odds...only 8 more days to donate...she needs to raise $40,000 of which she has raised a quarter ($10,000)...let's support this project!!!...

...chance to win 2 premier tickets to the sold-out us vs mexico gold cup final!!!...

2011-06-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

...if you are in the los angeles area and want a chance to win 2 premier tickets to the sold-out 2011 us vs mexico gold cup final this saturday at the rose bowl in pasadena, check out the following blog for more information: http://sexsexualityreproductioninbrazil.blogspot.com

...espana...

2011-06-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

...going to spain for a week in early july!!!!...madrid and barcelona!!!!...will be pretty busy as i am presenting in a conference in madrid and trying to catch the tail end of another conference in barcelona but also looking forward to exploring a little, as it will be my first time in spain!...woo!!!...

...saudades!...

2011-06-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

...i've missed this place!!!...tumblr isn't the same...its slightly lonely/different there...i blog but its different, a different me...dunno yet if i really really like it...so i'll come here again...starting a new blog to chart a project...here is where i'll do it, on blogger...you should check it out and spread the word:)...in the meantime, let me share a fuckerish dialogue i had to endear with an imbecile with a fetish for africans...

...characters:...
...me...nigerian american girl at the club with friends trying to dance and enjoy life...
...man with dark hair slicked back into a ponytail who thought all black girls were african (or wished they were) and only wanted to talk about africa all night...he will be referred to in the dialogue as mdhpaf...the dialogue follows...

me: ...(waiting for my friend to close-out her tab at the bar, staring blankly at tv screen, thinking nothing...notices mdhpaf walking up and hoping he doesn't stop and talk to me again as i was tired of his brand of conversation...he stops and talks to the bartender...i exhaled...then he turned to me...i inhaled, hoping i would collapse from lack of oxygen)...

mdhpaf: ...i have a funny story...

me: ...(unconvincedly) oh yeah...

mdhpaf: ...a preacher at a church in cameroon, because i spent a lot of time there, told me how he had a lot of nigerians who were starting to come to his church...everywhere you look, were all these nigerians, which you could tell by those big beautiful headties you guys tie...you know what i'm talking about?...so big, those headties, so huge and ornate and large (gesturing with his hands about his head)...

me: ...(eyes rolling upwards and looking for the back of my head)...yeah, i know...

mdhpaf: ...yeah, so they are so big...those headties...the preacher said that one day he had to ask the nigerians to stop wearing their headties to church...

me: ...(eyes blink...silence...i think i heard some crickets striking up their band)...

mdhpaf: ...yeah, so he had to tell them to not wear their headties because the people in the pews behind couldn't see...

me: ...(at this point, rather irritated with him and his stupid and pointless story)...so, he wanted them not to wear their headties to church?...(i'm pretty sure my face was scrunched in my characteristic/signature look of utter disgust/disdain)...

mdhpaf: ...well, yeah...i mean...why do you guys wear those big ole headties anyway, i mean...they are soo big?...do you guys have to wear them sooo big?...

me: ...(wtf?!?!?!?!?! face)...because its our culture...(i was so floored, that was the weak response i could muster out of my mouth...i guess it was better than the slap [read punch] across his face i wanted to land a couple times)...

mdhpaf: ...its a little impractical don't you think?...i mean its practical for you guys to not wear such huge headties to church so that people can see from pews behind you?...

me: ...(staring past him at other people walking by, no longer listening to his stupidity)...

...some photos...

2009-12-24T02:17:00.000-08:00

...some money came earlier than expected...so i was able to buy some small gifts for my family, which makes me happy...i was feeling bad about not being able to give anything again for christmas!...my bestie celebrated thirty and her man proposed the same night!!...i'm sooooo excited and now i can speak openly about the upcoming wedding!!!...yay!!!...they are the cutest couple!!...being at the celebration really made me wish though that i had my camera or the camera that i want...all i did have was a point and shoot, which is so limiting...i hope to get it soon so i can capture some of the events to follow, before, during and after the wedding...some pics from the night...

...here are some more pics from the year that i took...honestly, just a few!;)...

...who is bringing disgrace?...

2009-12-11T11:12:00.000-08:00

...daughter: ...so you mean, you are more concerned with what people you don't know will say about you than your own daughter's safety and happiness?...

...mother: ...well, she should have known...i told her before she jumped into bed with him...now she is bringing disgrace to the family...

...daughter: ...so you really don't give a shit how she feels huh?...outsiders you don't know and their opinions are more important?...

...mother: ...don't talk to me like that!...and that's not what i'm saying...

...daughter: ...then what are you saying because to me, that's exactly what you said...you aren't concerned with whether or not she is safe or happy...all that matters is that she was supposed to follow some prescribed script so that people could say that you were a good mother and that you did well huh?...your children were going to be perfect and thus, you would be perfect huh?...

...mother: ...you're talking nonsense and missing the point...

...daughter: ...what is the point?...

...mother: ...its a disgrace!!...she should have thought twice before...

...daughter: ...i know!!!...you'd said it over and over now...i know its your mantra although i'm still trying to figure out why it matters now what she should have done...she's asking for your help...this is your moment to help her and give her space to grow from her mistakes so she doesn't repeat...

...mother: ...i don't want to talk about this anymore...

...daughter: ...of course not...why would you?...

...mother: ...its causing me...i need to get off the phone so i don't collapse from the pressure...

...daughter: ...what pressure?...the unneccessary and stupid stress you put on yourself trying to please people who could give two shits about you...you think this thing is so easy and simple huh?...i won't even ask you to see your role in this...its obvious you haven't and won't be able to as you are doing it again...and when she repeats, you will blame her and not look at how you helped drive her to this...

...mother: *...click...*

...daughter: ...hello?...hello?...figures!...

...its december ya'll!...

2009-12-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

...december is here, signifying the close of the year 2009...and whew!!!...it could not have come sooner...2009, a tumultuous yet divine year, all at the same time...i am happy to have survived it and all the lessons it wanted to teach me!!!...but i am ready to ring in 2010...its gotta be a better year...maybe i'm jumping the gun with 2010...let me at least enjoy what is left of 2009 and the month of december...

...that said, christmas and what i want is on my mind;)...teehee...i need to save/find/raise some serious money for the fun toys i want this year...well, need...i need these things...they aren't just some wants you know;)...what's that you say?...oh, you want to know what i need...yeah, this post isn't really about that...

...i want to be a writer that is subtle...right?...like you get what i'm saying and all the underlying messages, even the ones i didn't know i was transmitting...did i just start that last sentence with the word like?!...but not boom, the first time you read it...like chinua achebe's things fall apart...read it and need to go back and read it again because there were things i'm sure i missed...toni morrison does this really well too...

...i saw nneka perform!!!...did i already write about this?!...she is amazing!!!...pure and simple...and she had the audacity to be sick when she performed for us!!!...i love her voice and what she is able to do with it...it slightly reminds me of ayo except that she is more genius and innovative with hers...you can't classify her music, or at least you shouldn't because it won't fit the categories we have...and i love that!!!...i haven't stopped thinking about her show, her voice, the music and what she was saying...she stays on my mind like...i think she's my new musical crush!!!...which is saying a lot because sade is coming out with a new cd, which utterly thrills and excites me!!!...yet, i'm thinking about nneka and when her cd comes out...aw the sweet joys of hope and expectations...the way a musician or artist in general can move, inspire and speak volumes with their work has been on my mind lately...i haven't stopped thinking about art and its power...

...but, its that time of year and i need to go do some writing of a different kind...until...

...this is not a thanksgiving post!...

2009-11-26T16:45:00.000-08:00

...glad that week is over!!...super intense and more than i needed...so of course, after i posted the last post feeling sympathetic about the police, i watched a video on facebook of the police brutalizing protesting students!!!...go figure...i wanted to delete my post...but alas, it was what i was feeling when i wrote it...

...and that about sums up the week, a set of days rife with extreme and conflicting feelings, driving me crazy!!...on one hand i was super stoked!!!... a friend of mine shooting a documentary asked me to photograph them while they shot him recording his music...say what?!...i kept pointing out that i was an amateur/novice and just starting out and that he should feel free to have another photographer around in case my photos were not good...he told me he wasn't concerned and that he had chosen me based on some of my photos i had taken and posted on facebook and not just because he thought i was cool...haha...because clearly that was what i thought...and it was fantastic...hung out taking photos with these cats and they liked what i shot!!...which felt damn good...still need to edit them, but the ones they scrolled through, they liked...and i had another successful shoot with another young photographer-he shot me and then i shot him...so i was feeling high and inspired...

...until my mom called with some heartbreaking news for me from home...dunno why it hurt me sooo bad, but it did and brought me low, low, low...i tried to push it from my mind but it loomed, conjuring past experiences and hurtful situations i'd been through in the past year...i cried in the shower, curled up in my bed, in my car and in class...it didn't help either that i opened an email to find a rejection for a grant i had applied for to use for a summer trip to brasil again...

...i'm home now...have seen my two loves (my nephews) and family and am pleased...things seem okay...we will still have to talk, but at least now, i am happy to be home and with my loved ones...breathing a little easier, although my piling assignments in my bags beg for some attention...not to drag the post on...just wanted to say a little something...i am trying to revive my blog...happy thanksgiving/day of mourning/indigenous people's day/etc...whatever you celebrate...i'm happy for the opportunity to be with my family and a break from school...but i do not support or want to commemorate the genocide imposed on the native americans of this hemisphere and the fact that it continues today...light and love to all this weekend...be safe and blessed!...

...sympathy for the police?!...

2009-11-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

...a very unexpected thing happened today...i had hoped to sleep in as i had gotten home at 4am from a dinner get together the night before...but no such luck as i was awakened at a few minutes to 8am by a text message...see, we have decided to strike for the next three days in response to the privatization of the uc system in california...today was the third day and the day of escalation...and the day after we had found out that the regents and president of the uc system had voted to increase student fees by 32%, fire loads of staff and give themselves increases in salaries....the text alerted me that students were occupying wheeler hall, a building on campus and that there were rallies scheduled for the day as well as a need for people to gather and rally around the building in which the students were occupying...

...but this isn't my point of this story...as i stood behind the fence/barricade put up by the police, chanting and watching the stoic faces of the at-attention officers, batons and guns at their hips, i started wondering what they were thinking; how they were feeling...this is strange why?...i usually could care less for police officers as they represent to me repression and the on-the-ground arm of the government; an unnecessary nuisance; a pain in my side; etc...i often forget that they are human beings, with feelings, families, concerns, joys, likes and dislikes, passions, sorrows, lives outside of doing police work...i asked one of them to hand over a loaf of bread that we had accidentally thrown over...he didn't, for obvious reasons...i asked him what he thought of what was going on...he couldn't answer either and he probably felt like i was jeering him...nonetheless, i really was curious about his thoughts...

...i decided to leave to move my car, get warm and run some other general errands...as i was walking away, i was looking at the officers to see if i would see anything...it had been an incredibly rainy morning and was terribly cold, gray and dreary...i saw two that were not standing with any sort of barrier between myself and them...i allowed myself to shift towards them a little and looked at the one closest to me...he looked as well and asked how i was doing...i was shocked and answered that i was cold and asked how he was...he answered that he was cold as well...i decided since he was so open to keep asking...i explained that i was an anthropology student and was wondering what the officers felt about the issue and having to be present...i had prefaced it all by stating that i was aware that they probably couldn't share their views...he agreed that he could not and that i had asked about two very different things...i nodded...he said though, a melancholy creeping into his soft eyes, that i could probably figure out how they felt...

...in that moment, my heart fell...i thought back to a chant that a student had tried to start that referred to the officers as pigs...ordinarily, i would have laughed if not being the one to initiate the song...today i was horrified and didn't repeat it or anything offensive to the officers...i realized that they probably were in solidarity with us but because of the nature of their work, had to be pit against us in that way...when we sang chants about protecting education for us and their children, a fellow anthropologist noticed lowered eyelids...i am not in the least bit now an advocate and fan of the police...but it definitely gave me moment to pause...i relayed my experience briefly to a colleague who also felt it and decided to buy them coffee, to stay warm...because they are made to seem against us by their being employed to protect the interest of selfish money hungry capitalist, does not necessarily reflect their views on the issues or how they feel about the protesters...i felt sorry for him and others in that moment who probably wished they could be on the other side of the barricade, chanting with us...

...it made me think of police in naija...again, i don't and am not trying to portray them as great people who actually are victimized by the system they work for-which they are in some ways-because i recognize how many of them are very happy with their role and tend to abuse their power and privilege to the detriment of citizens...but i thought back on how people talk poorly about nigerian police who stop civilians on the road for bribe or are too afraid to actually chase after criminals and relieve the common man of criminal activity...but we forget the conditions under which they are in many times...again, i am not excusing police brutality and gross misuse and abuse of power, but i have to say that i can understand why they stop and ask for bribe on the street or don't feel compelled to risk their lives when God knows the last time they were paid and how much...

...just some musings on a dreary, gray rainy day...hoping to go see nneka tonight!!!...she's playing in san francisco!!!...

...sweet november has come...

2009-11-08T01:53:00.000-08:00

...its november and this is only the 11th post for the year!!!...if anyone would have ever told me that i would get to the point that i would be writing so sparesely, i would have scoffed and told them to find better things to do with their time than making false predictions...and here we are...its november and this is only my 11th post...won't dwell on what can't be changed...quite simply, school has kept me from writing as i would have liked...

...so what do i do with this space?...do i try to update?...ha!...since july?!...i know i have had thoughts of nabo and okadas on my mind;)...thinking and dreaming of going home...maybe the thoughts are dancing around because its looking like i may not be able to travel home this dec:(...although, eh hehn, we have arrived with a post;)...met this naija guy through my friends...not interested in him by any stretch of the imagination...but i had to be cordial because we are part of an organization hoping to do work at home/continent and for the sake of professionalism...anyway, through out the night we spoke on and off...he wanted to know if i was traveling home...told him probably not because of a lack of funds...he then asks if i've flown through port harcourt...yes, i respond years ago...i tell him that i probably wouldn't ever any time soon because of the crisis there and i just know my mom would not allow it...he goes into this long-winded story, tooting his horns about the area and supposedly how safe it was or could be because he could guarantee the safety...suffice it to say that at the end of this grueling story, i was very sure that i had no interest in passing through port harcourt by plane anytime soon and my eyes and ears were punishing me for having made them endure such torture...i quietly shouted hallelujah that i had committed myself to a 40-day meditation and that the time had arrived for me to go do so...i jumped up and disappeared...before he left, he asked that i should allow him take me to dinner...inside i was sucking my teeth...nonsense...when did i express any interest in you?!...i'm supposed to email him to let him know when i am free...don't you know that the next time he will see me, i will just explain that that weekend i went out and met someone and therefore could not call him...case closed!...i hope...sometimes i don't understand why guys try to force something that is not there!...

...i wish i had all of maxell's cds!...i could go for listening to him at night...its novel writing month...i am not sure that i can manage to do so myself...so i am hoping to share with another friend, we'll take turns writing...should be fun...maybe i'll share a small bit with you...

...drifting, drifting...drifting along, no...drifting deeper...drifting deeper into darkness...a dark den...a dark and dreamy den...drifting, drifting deeper into a dark, dreamy den...dense...with distortions, deferments and deterrents...drifting, drifting deeper into a dark, dreamy den, dense with distortions, deferments and deterrents...ah, but dimly illuminated in a damp corner was a dancing desire, with its own dreams of fulfillment...jumping forward, then back, then side-to-side...repeat, forward, back, side-to-side...and again, forward, back, side-to-side...deep pools inside a low hung head strained to follow the dancing patterns of a dream-filled desire, longing to hear and hopefully fill those dreams, thus satisfying its own desire, that danced in a damp corner of a dark, dreamy den, dense with distortions, deferments and deterrents, that she had drifted, drifted deeper into...

...public displays of affection...

2009-07-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

...i love salvador!!!....in case you didn't already know that!...*exhaling*...

...the other day, a guy i'm hanging out with walked me to the top part of my street...we had made plans for the evening and were parting...he kissed me and as we separated and i turned to continue home, i noticed a friend...she's an older woman who works at this cafe in my neighborhood that i like to frequent...funny enough, i immediately felt like she was an aunt and had caught me doing something that wasn't necessarily wrong but maybe not to be done in the street...interestingly enough, we had just pecked, a brief little kiss, nothing to write home about and yet i still felt funny...bashful is probably the word i would want to use...i giggled like a little high school girl and she looked at me in that, 'oh so that's your boyfriend' kind of way that older relatives give you when they have found out on their own who you are dating...anyway, we talked quickly and she warned me about my street...

...i've been pondering on where the bashfulness or can i call it shame, came from...another friend of mine in brasil also was having a problem displaying so much affection with the guy she was dating...he kept asking her about it and she explained, as best as she could, that it wasn't part of her culture (ethiopian parentage and heritage) to kiss and hug so openly in public...i think our being raised in the us makes it at least acceptable for us to kiss and hold hands and hug in public...some signs of affection are ok...but in brasil, you can easily walk by and find couples engaged in tongue battles (french kissing), heavy petting and grinding in the streets, regardless of time of day and location...maybe not at church (but considering that i haven't been to one, i have no idea!)...i still find that a little weird...luckily i haven't had to deal with such because guy that i'm hanging out with doesn't request such things from me...but i remember that my friend and i were talking and she had never seen her parents kiss...i can remember that it was seldom that i saw my parents be openly affectionate with each other...my mom even told me once that the thought of putting her tongue in my dad's mouth or vice versa was absurd and disgusting to her...i smiled and prayed she didn't ask my opinion on the topic...where does it come from, this unwillingness to be openly affectionate?...what does it mean to be openly affectionate?...

...one may ask, who are you being affectionate for?...and thus why must it be done outside?...i'm not saying that folks need to engage in foreplay in public but i do wonder what is wrong with leaning in and kissing the person you're with if you so feel compelled?...what are the ways that we as africans do show affection to our loved ones?...even my mom wasn't big on doing a lot of kissing and hugging of us (her children) when we were younger...i'm a hugger and kisser and lap sitter with those that i love and am comfortable with so i always wanted to touch and hug and kiss my mom...sometimes she let me...i also don't mind saying that i love my family and friends...saying it to them...it may happen to be in public but it is for them...if people aren't affectionate in the privacy of their homes, then what are the ways that people show affection?...is affection also socially and culturally constructed and thus dependent on where you are?...in brasil and funny enough for me, smelling someone is a sign of affection...i sniff intimate partners, as a sign of affection-i love/care about you and want to smell you or i love/like your scent so much as to want to smell you always, etc...i sniff babies too...the other people that i sniff, don't know that i have or am sniffing them...if i dare tried to obviously sniff my mom or my dad or aunts and uncles, i may very well be greeted with a slap or crazy look...yet, for some, the buying of material things suffices as a sign of affection or the provision of the necessities is enough to demonstrate some affection...just curious....

...just some rubbish to wax our eyes...

2009-07-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

...he: ...you're kind of mysterious...

...me: ...you think i'm mysterious?...

...he: ...yeah...

...me: ...* chuckles lightly*...how so?...

...he: ...you observe and see things but you say little...

...me: ...hmmmnnn...

...i miss that washing clothes in nigeria can be somewhat of a social thing...it was at least at my mom's parents' house...or maybe i made it social because i would wait and wash when i saw others gathering their clothes to wash...nonetheless, i enjoyed that time...sitting in the sun (as i wanted to get darker), around buckets filled with water and soap and dirty clothes, talking or gossiping or listening and just enjoying the female energy and interaction....i wash my clothes alone here in brasil...on occasion, my friend will be around and i'll talk to him as i wash...

...he's sexy!!!...in reference to another guy...there's this way that he talks to me, when he's telling me what he'd like to do for the evening...last night i couldn't get a hold of him by phone and had decided to just go home, shower and sleep if i didn't hear from him...but because we are in brasil and this place is magical, i saw him on the street...well, he saw me and called me...he walked me towards my street and was asking what i wanted to do....i usually like to toss questions back-tru naija style;)-and asked what he wanted to do...i don't need to repeat what he said because it was more about what he did with his face-his eyes and eyebrows in particular...hehehe...he makes me wish i had my camera with me...besides other things...

...i've lost weight and couldn't be happier...except that it really does make me aware that i may really have a body image problem...don't worry...it obviously isn't the kind that will make me anorexic or bulimic (shebi, i would have been long time ago...i love food too much though)...but i realized that even in this smaller and fitter state that i am in, i still want to lose weight...nonsense...i need to just enjoy this body o...;)...blah, blah and nonsense...just wanted to say something...i'll be more serious in the next post...

...feeling some kind of way...

2009-07-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

...not sure really how to explain it and don't know if i should even try...i just know that i am feeling some kind of way...not good nor bad...but not my normal self either...maybe something is happening, like some sort of transformation...i feel like there is something i need to learn/re-learn and it is making itself quite evident in brasil...i haven't quite put my finger on exactly what it is yet but it keeps rearing its head in similar fashion, leading me to believe this...rethinking and reflecting on some shit, excuse the french...but then my anxieties about this research i am supposed to be doing plus a plethora of other things get in my way and i can't just be quiet to find that clarity i'm seeking...

...otherwise, brasil is fantastic!!!...just bought my first pair of havaianas yesterday!...never understood the hype over them but now i get it!...hope to buy some more stylish ones before i leave...the men here are stupidly beautiful!!!...stupid in the sense that their beauty leaves you completely stupid, without any manner in which to speak, behave, etc...at least this is what happens to me;)...i haven't had a phone which has also been really nice and freeing in some ways...now granted, i can't call any of the cuties i meet because of this but there is something nice about the lack of a phone...you work off intuition in a different way...you can lazily stroll to a friend's house, unannounced, shout their name and if they are home, they'll come to the window, ask if you want to come up, throw down the keys and voila, a visit!...simple!...

...off to get the day started!...too many things to do!!...

...callin my man...

2009-06-18T02:06:00.000-07:00

...hopefully you can understand the patois...just curious what folks think of this...

...iza and brunai...

2009-06-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

iza:...stop that...

brunai: ...stop what?...

iza: ...look there...see that thing looming?...

brunai: ...(looking out towards the direction iza was pointing)...which thing?...the sun?...and it is hardly looming...

iza: ...not the sun...that thing in front of the sun...see it?....(iza cautiously pushed brunai's head in the direction that would allow for the seeing of this thing)...

brunai: ...i don't see anything...what are you talking about?...you're trippin'...(wrangles head nervously out of iza's grip)...

iza: ...(walking forward)...that thing there...i don't know how you can't see it...its glowing...or at least is outlined by the sun's rays...

brunai: ...(turning and looking in the direction from which they came)...yo, i think it might be time to go home...you're talking crazy...

...there was no response as iza walked ever closer...it seemed that the thing was moving towards iza as well...brunai recognized that there had not been a response but was too frightened to turn and see what had happened to iza...

brunai: ...iza, come on...why do you always like to do this type of stuff?...only you find it interesting...tell your little spirit friends to visit you when you're alone...i want to go home, now!...

...but iza heard not...iza was caught up in an all-encompassing embrace...bright white light filled iza's ears, impairing their auditory function...iza's hands, arms, legs and feet were immobilized by the embrace...white light filled iza's eyes allowing only visions of nothingness and dots...bright nothingness...bright dots...iza's head was slowly tilting backwards as commanded by the light, which desired to enter iza's mouth...bright light rushed up iza's nose, clogging iza's nasal cavities and making it hard to breathe...the light was racing for iza's brain...iza felt the light prodding at the pliable lips of iza's mouth and immediately resisted...iza couldn't breathe...iza tried to use hands and arms that had long ago stopped moving...iza's mouth was now clenched tight against an aggressive and prying bright light...

...a strange warmth brushed against brunai's back...brunai ignored it...the warmth was insistent...warming brunai's back and trying to make its way over brunai's shoulders...brunai stepped forward...'iza, come on', brunai thought frantically...almost immediately, brunai heard a tight-lipped response...'i'm trying...i can't!...come help me, please!'...brunai felt the warmth again...more insistent as though needing to wrap itself around brunai...brunai ran forward, still afraid to turn around..."how??!!!...i don't even know what you're fighting!...i told you we should have left!'...'just help me now!...we can talk about who was right later', came the tight-lipped response from a faint iza...brunai walked a little forward and then turned around slowly...

...almost done with year 1...

2009-05-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

...i attended the graduation for the phd students on my campus side over the weekend...as i walked in the door, one of my professors walked over and greeted me and we chatted for a minute or so before she turned to introduce me to someone else...

...'do you know [my name]?...she's one of our first year students and our very own novelist'...as you can imagine, my mouth dropped open, eyebrows rose heavenwards and my ears moved backwards as they often do to indicate that something is strange or out of sorts...the man was looking at me rather impressively...i mustered myself enough together to mumble out...'well, an aspiring novelist'...at this point, my professor retorted, 'no, you are a novelist...you've written novels'...shocked, i looked at her...clearly this must have been some joke...which novel did i write?...i almost began laughing as i asked her what she was talking about...we cleared up that i was indeed still an aspiring novelist who has yet to write anything...

...but it made me think of other instances when people have associated me with things that i have no business being associated with...for example, i can't keep track of how many times people have assumed that i am working in africa on aids...'you're doing sexuality, gender and aids right?'...wrong!...some have even argued that of course i am...some have been so convinced that i had to explain again what i was studying for them to understand that there is more to study on the continent than aids...others have assumed that i was studying race...initially i wasn't...and even now, i am not really studying race but it is a factor in my current summer research...one professor came to one of my classes as a guest speaker...as is custom, they like the students to introduce themselves and what they are studying...she prefaced it by saying that there some of us she didn't know...she pointed at me...i almost fell out of my chair...how could she not know at least my name?!...i'm the only black student in my entire cohort and maybe program...more importantly, i had attended a beginning of the year event at her house!!...i had spoken to her and her husband at length while there...now she didn't remember me?!...na wa...

...my first year is almost over!...a few more papers to submit in the next week and i will officially be done!!...i can hardly believe it as i remember very vividly how i called my mom crying after the very first class and told her i was coming home...this summer i'm off to brazil to do research, capoeira, work on my portuguese, read, write and just hang out...its been six long years and i can't wait!...trying to lose weight in the meantime...i know, when am i not;)...hope to blog again more regularly...let me go peruse and see who still remains...

...the chair...

2009-04-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

...i know, you probably don't even remember me...i hardly remember myself...but it is me, albeit a little different...i should be different though, right?...afterall, we are always changing and evolving...at least that's what i was told...so that's how i console myself about the changes...i had some invigorating conversations today that reminded me that i must write, 30 mins a day at the very least...30 mins i can do...it may not always be here, but i'll try to do it...starting now...

...she wanted to sit, but no chair seemed to suit her need...the chair in the corner was rusted and worn, looking as though it had been abandoned in the rain too much...its cushioned seat and back seemed to have embraced a body too many...the brown chair next to rusty was swaying lightly in the breeze in a way that reminded her of the endless drunk homeless men asking her for money and then cursing her out when she refused...there was another small chair/stool looking thing...she shook her head, it was too short so its other qualities were unimportant...but she was knackered, sure her legs would soon give out from underneath her...she looked over and saw a chair she had somehow managed to miss the first time around and wondered how...it was beautiful indeed...tall and lean, but very sturdy...she knew it would support her small frame comfortably...it was simply but elegantly decorated with silver detailing and trimming against an ebony black wooden frame...it had a silver matching pillow for her butt to rest on...she smiled as she walked shyly to the chair, happy to have found it...or maybe it had found her...she turned slowly and began to lower herself onto the chair, closing her eyes as she couldn't wait to feel the smooth material caressing her weary butt and leg muscles...

...she opened her eyes suddenly as she came smashing hardly onto the concrete floor beneath her...she turned around shocked and wondered how she could have possibly miscalculated so gravely...she looked for the chair...she saw only a very plain and ugly stripped chair, same lean, tall and sturdy frame as the other one...she faced forward again as she slowly used her arms to help her stand up, all the while wondering what had happened to the beautiful chair she'd seen that had seemed to promise her comfort and relief from the long day...when she was finally on her feet, rubbing her more sore bottom, she turned again and again saw her beloved chair...she smiled tentatively and started to walk towards it...she stopped momentarily and looked at the chair...she moved a little closer and stopped, wanting to make sure it wasn't some trick that someone was playing on her...no one else was in the room with her so it couldn't have been a trick...she walked right in front of the chair...she reached her ring clad middle finger to the back of the chair and caressed it, assuring herself of the realness of the chair...she soon forgot and became enchanted by the color and texture of the wood...the sweet smell of sandalwood seemed to waft upward from the chair, encircling her and traveling quickly up her nostrils into her brain for sensory detection and appreciation of the smell...she leaned and kissed the chair's strong back...one kiss...another kiss...then another...four...she moved slowly across the back of the chair and down...five kisses...six...she was kissing its outermost part of the frame...seven...eight...nine...ten...she stopped...she was tired and wanted to sit...she trailed her finger lightly across the top of the chair as she made her way to the front of the chair...keeping her hand on the chair, so it wouldn't move, she now sat...

...she smiled as she felt the soft cottony material of the pillow give and embrace her butt and backs of her thighs...she leaned back slightly, as the back of the chair wasn't cushioned and wouldn't feel as good as the seat...as she sat in the empty room, she became strangely aware of herself...in a way that was rather discomforting...she began to shift in her seat...she felt very exposed...as though people could see her very thoughts and were judging her...because as much as they were her thoughts, they were out of context...she began thinking justifying thoughts although she wasn't sure who these new thoughts were meant for...she thought them anyway sure that it would help...she felt a sharpness in her left thigh...she reached for her left leg...to massage it, she supposed...after a brief rubbing of her left thigh, she again rested her leg against the cushion...she jumped up in agonizing pain, grasping her left thigh again...when she pulled her hand away, it was damp in the middle where she saw a smooth circle of her red blood...she looked in horror at the seat...what had pierced through her skin so aggressively to cause her such pain and bleeding?...and why hadn't she seen it beforehand?...she searched the surface of the pillow frantically, running her hand over it smoothly...she couldn't feel anything...but she knew she had felt something...as she kept running her hand over the smooth pillow, its softness again made her forget her pain and her own bloodshed...it felt sooo indescribably and seductively soft...she wanted to sit again...

...adventures with my two year old cousin...

2009-01-25T15:32:00.000-08:00

...we'll call him e...i met e when he was one, the year i went to naija in 2007 with mumsie...he used to stomp his feet and command us to go...who knew what i was in store for with this lil guy...i also refer, endearingly, to him as small lil rat, small rat of a thing, small mout and lil rat, among other things...by the time i left, i had asked the lil rat if he was really a small boy or a man inside a small boy's body...here are some stories about this troublesome, yet adorable lil rat of a thing...

...there were a couple days when this lil rat decided that he was intrigued by seeing us-us being my aunt, my female cousin and i-bathe...he tried it with my cousin, who yelled at him to leave...he tried it with my aunt who happened to have a switch ready and managed to scare him off...so it was my turn...the small guy had tried and i had managed to escape his peeping..until he finally caught me...i must have gotten comfortable...i remember washing my face, eyes closed and then feeling as though someone else was present...i rinsed my face and opened my eyes to find the lil rat standing there watching me...i told him to get out...he stood...'oya, remove yourself from this place!...are you mad?'...he stood...i grabbed the tree branch, hoping it would incite him to leave without receiving a beating...he stood...i beat him once, commanding him to leave...no movement...i beat him again, harder...after about three more lashes, the small rat took his time turning and walking away, without any cry whatsoever...can you believe?!...'small lil rat!...standing to watch me bathe!...you don kolo!...not even crying...anyway, why should you cry?...you've seen what you came to see shebi....'...i sucked my teeth...he didn't try it again, but he didn't need to...in the time he stood there, he's seen all he needed to see for a while...

...another day, my cousin and i wanted e to do something for us that would require him leaving the room...he was looking or playing with something in his lap...my cousin called him...
...cousin: ...e...
...e: ..don't call me...
...me: ...did that small rat of a thing just say, 'don't call me'?...
...cousin: ...he did...
...me: ...ahn ahn...na small man be that o...call him again...which kain nonsense is don't call me?...
...cousin: ...e...
...e: ...don't call me...
...cousin: ...e o!...
...e: ...don't call me...
...cousin: ...e...
...e: ...don't call me again...
...me: ...what?...
...cousin: ...e...
...e: ...don't call me again...*raises and points his small lil index finger at us and in a very sharp, annoyed voice spewed an unintelligible warning to us*...jibberjibberjibberjibberjabbisjhrubbishnonsensejibberjabber...

...my cousin and i just looked at each other and laughed...e also smiled...he never did do the errand either...

...another time, we went to a work outing with an older cousin and her children...her oldest is the same age as e...after we all piled out of the car, we stood waiting and gathering ourselves...some of my cousin's male co-workers had come down to help...we told our cousin's son, who we will call mini, to go stand with one of the males...he walked over and stood with the man...we now told e to follow mini and stand with the man...e began walking over to mini and the man...but he didn't stop...he kept walking past them in the direction of a car, pointing and saying, 'moto...auntie see moto.'...see wahala...i now walked over and reminded him that we were not going in that direction...as we all started up a steep flight of steps, e started to climb on his own...a man advised us to help e...my cousin and i asked the man to watch and see if the small rat needed help...of course he didn't...he was at the top in no time...we all filed into the office where my cousin works...as we were figuring out where to sit, we looked up to wonder where e was...he was nowhere in the room...my cousin thought to look outside...sure enough, the small rat had walked out and gone to the next room, where they were selling food and candy items...we shook our heads and laughed...later, as we were leaving, we noticed that e had keys, which he was using to try and open the car door...we grabbed the keys, only to find that they were the desk keys for my cousin's boss' desk...he hadn't noticed that the small rat had pulled them from the desk while he held him...

...i need to go back to reading...was remembering naija and the small rat popped in my head...thought i'd share...

...beyond deferred...

2009-01-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

...because you see, all she'd every dreamed of was meeting that one guy who would sweep her off her feet, show her how to see the world in a new and different way, teach her and inspire her, open her heart to love, take her around the world, help her realize her dreams, make and raise beautiful rays of light...she hadn't wanted 5, 15, 20 or 100...only one...one...and she'd tried to live and prepare to give herself completely, 100% to him when he would happen to come along...she would be all his...he wouldn't have to worry about anything, after all, she had been waiting all her life for him...

...she hadn't bet on this nasty twist...what do you mean you love me and her?!...how is that even possible?...well, she guessed she could see the possibility...she couldn't fathom though, what he was proposing...allow him date them both?!...how?!...how would she feel?...how could she possible give him all of her knowing he was also giving of himself to someone else?...what was this?...oh she cried...at the cruelty of it all...and what of the other poor girl caught up in the mix?...was it fair to her to not be able to have this man that she loved to herself?...would he see only one of them on valentine's?...what about birthdays and the other holidays?...he had already missed one's birthday to celebrate the other's, as they were born days apart....

...was she just so naive and stupid?...was this some mean joke by a male god and men against women?...oh the reason he gave sounded good...but was just an excuse, she felt...this would have happened regardless of her situation...

...she sits alone in her room, pondering...she's not sure why she ponders as she knows already what she should do...but her heart is heavy, seeming to be sinking into her stomach, making it hard for her to feel hunger or keep anything down when she does remember to eat...her hands shake, her vision wobbles...she doesn't smile and she's confused...lethargic...immobilized...barely leaves the house...she never realized how much stronger than her mind her heart could be...she curses her stupid and useless heart, which has allowed itself into captivity...

...he's captured her heart and there is nothing she can do...so she sits, heart and pulse racing...adrenaline coursing quickly through her veins, relentlessly...she wanted to cut her heart out, you know, to end the pain...but she sat instead...

...some more pics from calabar's carnival...the search for baroque still continues...luckily, he has informed us of the clothes he was wearing (see comment from baroque in last post)...of special interest were his slip-ons...were those your bathroom slippers?;)...lol...enjoy...

..above is the former governor of cross river, mr. donald duke himself...he really grooved...

...where's baroque?!...

2009-01-17T14:39:00.000-08:00

...first of all, happy new year to all!!!...second, my apologies to atutu, afrobeat and rethots as i was supposed to meet for drinks when i got back to lagos...seeing as i only spent two days as opposed to the week i had planned, all i had time to do was shop at yaba market, or what was left of it and pack the next day and leave...there's alway this year!...i'll have more autonomy this time around...i'll explain in a later post...in the meantime, some pics of carnival are above...try to see if you see baroque..he says he was there, but i swear i never saw him...he stood me up!!!!...lol...baroque, if you see yourself, point yourself out...anyone else that was there, do the same...enjoy a few of the pics...i'll get more up later...

...drumroll please...drumroll...

2008-12-13T09:40:00.001-08:00

...so, after much scares and attempts by the devil (in true naija form, we blame the devil for all problems...or maybe now we can blame those children in akwa ibom state, the witches), she has made it...first i thought my us passport had expired so i quickly ran to renew it...only to find out that i had wasted 150 or so dollars for nothing as i still had a year on that passport...bastards at the agency for not telling me...then i thought my nigerian passport too had expired, the night before i was supposed to leave...of course mumsie was pissed and swore i wasn't going...of course i told her to chill as i was going...luckily, she looked at it in the morn and i still have a year on it too...dunno what was going on with me and numbers...then i was running late-according to mumsie who believes you have to be at the airport four hours before your flight...lai lai!...anyway...made it and have been in lagos for the past 4 days and 5 nights...been mostly finishing up school papers, which sucks ass!!!...almost done...that is actually what i am supposed to be doing right now...my auntie won't allow me leave lagos till i finish, neither will she really allow me go out...:(...boo...hoping to land in akwa ibom on sunday or monday...heard they are having some 12 days before or of christmas...so, we'll see...otherwise, i'll be trying to make my way to cally!!!...i missed the unplugged event where d'banj was!!!...oh, it pained me to miss!!...i hope he will perform in calabar....

...i must return to my serious work...i'll update later...atutu and afrobeat, i'll stop in lagos on my way out and we'll get out drink...rethots too...sorry o!...and did you know that children and teens in south africa are now smoking unused/nonusable antiretroviral drugs to get high?...God save that country...

...uh, just saw this comment in response to an article blaming mbeki in south africa for those deaths...i also heard a nigerian man make a similar statement about nigeria...i'll comment later...what say you?...

South Africa's HIV/AIDS policies have been based on voodoo science (eating "beetroot, garlic and the African potato" can cure persons infected with HIV/AIDS, as the country's previous Health Minister propounded) and Africa's "big man" syndrome whereby nobody in the government dared publicly question Mbeki's views. South Africa's likely next president, Jacob Zuma, also holds irrational beliefs about HIV/AIDS. He famously took a shower after having sex with an acquaintance to "reduce" his risk of being infected with HIV. Sadly, South Africa is not the exception. Africa is full of leaders who hold unscientific and irrational views - to the detriment of their own people.

What is surprising, therefore, is that few ask the question whether a return to white rule in South Africa may not actually be better for all its inabitants? Apartheid was certainly politically repressive from a black perspective (at least in the form it was implemented), but it did not by any stretch of the imagination lead to 330,000 deaths, including 3,500 babies. Indeed, if that had happened, apartheid's rulers would almost certainly have been charged with genocide in one or other international tribunal. Similarly, in neighboring Zimbabwe, where a quarter of the population has fled the country and the remaining poor are slowly succumbing to Cholera and starvation, a continuation of white rule after 1980 would have had a net positive effect on the preservation of black lives.

To be sure, these are contentious and uncomfortable questions to ask. But for the sake of black lives - if not white - the West's liberal elites may need to do so lest another 350,000 predominantly black lives are lost in a country where the world's first heart transplant took place and where successive white minority governments established sub-Saharan Africa's best primary healthcare system.

Oliver, NY, NY

— Oliver, New York, NY, USA

...phantom pregnancy...

2008-11-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

rebecca: (after looking around the bathroom and under some stalls for feet)...so you've heard that she has a phantom pregnancy...

eloise: ...what in the world are you talking about?...what is a phantom pregnancy?...and who is she?...

rebecca: ...oh, so you haven't heard?...i don't know if i should be the one telling you then...

eloise: ...why?...although i don't have any clue what you're talking about as i have never heard of a phantom pregnancy...

rebecca: ...that girl from church...she always come alone...sits quietly in the back...smiles, but only if you happen to smile at her first in one of those rare moments that she raises her head...piercing eyes...almost difficult to look too long at her...

eloise: ...uh, mina?!...why do you insist on painting that poor girl as some mysterious anomaly?...she's just quiet...and alone...everyone else in her family is muslim...she's the only christian...what about her...how is she related to phantom pregnancies?...

rebecca: ...how do you know so much about her?...

eloise: ...because i actually talk to people and don't just create characters and stories for them in my head...

rebecca: (shrugging her shoulders)...you've always been more risk-taking than i...yes well...they say...

eloise: who is they?...and when did they tell you this?...

rebecca: it's a lie!...so you also want me to reveal my sources?...you should be so lucky to be even getting this juicy gist...you're not even satisfied...allow me finish...before you begin with your one hundred and one questions...

eloise: (to herself)...as if i asked for this story...(shakes her head)...

rebecca: so they say that she is pregnant...but (cutting off eloise whose mouth has begun to open in questioning fashion) they say when she goes to the doctor, they can't see anything...no baby...

eloise: who told her she was pregnant?...and maybe its too early...some of these hospitals aren't even equipped with the machinery to accurately detect things...

rebecca: twas the girl herself...she says she hasn't seen her period for two months...two months!...they should be able to see something by now...

eloise: so...she's...no way...

rebecca: yes, two months pregnant!...

eloise: no, i'm just trying to imagine her having sex...i can't see it...she must have been raped...

rebecca: ole girl, don't think because she is quiet she can't have sex o...sometimes those quiet ones are the worst!...they say she became christian so she could begin to have sex...

eloise: what?...that doesn't make sense...

rebecca: how many muslim girls do you see having children out of wedlock?...

eloise: nonsense...some of them are forced to marry...or killed...what of that amina so-and-so in the northern part of nigeria they wanted to kill....was it not for becoming pregnant outside marriage?...

rebecca: well, its more common with christians...

eloise: we're just more forgiving...we won't stone you to death...

rebecca: whatever...but the doctors can't see anything in her womb!...can you imagine?!...two months and nothing!...

eloise: that's weird...what does that mean?...

rebecca: they say they can see hormonal changes like a pregnancy and her blood levels of something indicate that she is pregnant...but the ultrasounds show nothing...they've used all sorts of machines on her and all different doctors have looked and nothing...

eloise: how do you know all this?...

rebecca: what does it matter?...she's two months pregnant and they can't find a baby!...i thought this stuff only happened in naija proper...wow!...

eloise: you sound really fascinated with the whole thing...

rebecca: yeah man!...this is crazy!...i'd love to use her for a research project...'the effects of becoming christian'...haha...

eloise: what does this have to do with religion?...

rebecca: don't you find it a little strange that all this time as a muslim, she didn't become pregnant...then three months after becoming christian, she now has a pregnancy, that no one can find, on top of it all!...its all rather titillating!!...can't wait to see how this all unfolds...(eyes glistening with glee)...

eloise: (disgustedly)...i feel sorry for the poor girl...she's probably getting way more attention than she could have ever wanted...and imagine how fast her story must be spreading, if you, who doesn't even know her name, knows her story...

rebecca: oh come down off your horse...(looking at herself in the mirror and smoothing down her eyebrows)she can't be that shocked...she moved out of her parents house...as if that didn't cause a rift, she moves in with her boyfriend and becomes christian...she's used to drama...or should be by now...i think she just wears that quiet act as...i dunno...but

eloise: just shut up...you're as annoying as the rest of the hypocrites at church...

rebecca: what?..

eloise: you're clearly taking delight in this girl's misery...(turns and starts walking out of the bathroom)

rebecca: (more to herself)...i wonder how you would even try to have an abortion with a phantom pregnancy...wow!....

...a girl unlocks the stall door and quietly walks out...she locks the general door and then walks back to stand in front of the mirror...letting her reflection take her in...as she is too far away to take in her disheveled reflection...

...someone's going to naija!...

2008-11-24T13:46:00.001-08:00

...so guess who is going to naija again this dec?!...yep, you guessed correctly...moi!...excited beyond words but also a little frightened/anxious...this will be my very first trip home alone...no mommy, no daddy, no sibs...thrilling and scary at the same time...but we'll work it out...hoping to make the carnival in calabar this year, play a little in lagos and maybe, if money wills it, visit abuja...we'll see...

...nonetheless, mumsie decides to call today to convey some info about a camera she's considering purchasing and to find out when exactly i'm driving home before taking to the sky...then she decides to inform me that i must come back from naija with a husband!...oh really?!...so its now a month long turn around to find husbands in naija?...what in the world?!...i roll my eyes as she continues on about how, within the month i'll be there, i need to inform family members to look for people and help me conduct a background check...all in a month...*shakes my head*...'yes, then when you come back, we can start the paperwork to bring him over'...i butt in at this point, mildly irritated...i inform her for the five-hundredth time that i don't plan on living in the states so i am not understanding why i would need to bring anyone to the states...she starts explaining the master plan as she has it worked out in her head...she continues musing on about how it would be great if i could get someone from my dad's area...i'm sure if my mom could, she would love to just arrange marriages for her children..be in charge of selecting the guys/girls, conducting evaluations, making the final decisions, etc...i don't need the added pressure...i'm going to hang out, rejuvenate myself, heal, grow, learn and just be open...i wish i could explain to her that i already feel the pressure myself as i creep closer to thirty and don't need any extra...my youngest sister is engaged, my sister after me has a child and here i am, unable to maintain a pseudo-relationship, not to speak of marriage...arggghhh...i know she means well but it doesn't help and for damn sure is not that easy...a month, for Christ's sake!!...i'm just going to push that nonsense out of my head otherwise it will dampen my spirits about this trip that i'm already nervous and excited about...

...i'm pausing here as if i am without words to put to this page...but we all know it not to be the case...so much i could put forth here...some i rather not share...too painful, for various reasons...others i just don't quite know how to articulate...i do know i need a cleansing in a serious way...i'm going to take a white bath before i go to naija..a friend suggested it and i have only to pick up a few ingredients...white flowers and honey-which i have consumed with all my tea drinking...hoping to get some reading, writing and creative juices flowing in naija...i do hope my mom buys a digital camera or lets me borrow hers so i can work on capturing some moments and memories without the cost of film...

...i don't know if i know what to make of life anymore...or if i know how to be in the world anymore...

...south africans again!...

2008-11-17T07:58:00.000-08:00

...i've been grappling with how to write this for a minute now...how to make my commentary...the whole mbeki fuckery that is trying to happen...http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7716128.stm...the link to the story for those that know not what i am talking about...a south african aids activist is calling for mbeki to be summoned to a judicial inquiry or to face the truth and reconciliation committee in hopes of holding him responsible for the deaths of 330,000 south africans who died of AIDS because of lack of access to HIV/AIDS drugs, based on mbeki's policy on HIV/AIDS drugs which deemed them toxic and dangerous...

...my problem isn't necessarily that they want to hold mbeki responsible for these deaths...my problem lies elsewhere...are we going to hold EVERYONE else responsible for hindering in any way the access of millions of people to hiv/aids drugs?...who else you ask?...how about german matthius rass (sp?) who's foundation set up shop in south africa spreading the same philosophy about hiv/aids drugs and providing their vitamin supplements instead as the way to battle hiv/aids?...what about the pharmaceutical countries that felt their patents and profits were more important than allowing countries like india and brasil the opportunity to produce the drugs generically (see, significantly cheaper) thus increasing access to their citizenry?...or what about the courts which actually sided with the pharmaceutical companies for a while (see until public outcry)?...can we also hold responsible an administration which advocates and funds only programs which spew abstinence as the only option (how does a wife tell her husband she is practicing abstinence to avoid getting hiv/aids from him?...you tell me!...) or which allocates money to a country for buying hiv/aids drugs but then also stipulates that the drugs must be bought from certain companies (which happen to usually be pharmaceutical companies from 'giving' country, eventhough there may be (and usually are) just as effective and cheaper drugs available elsewhere-which would increase access)?...or the countless companies that do their clinical trials on populations in various african nations which will never be able to afford the drugs, if approved and have been unnecessarily exposed to hiv/aids risk?...but we will never hold such people/corporations/entities responsible...they'll tell us to look at our corrupt leaders who allow such fuckery, although such fuckery occurs in the us as well...but nobody will talk about that...let's get mbeki instead!!...

...and this argument will not sit well with most people because the scientific and biomedical model is sooooooooooooooooo pervasive and given to be the truth to which everything else is trying to measure up to...but if we all recognize that science and biomedicine, and dare i say even biology are socially, politically and historically shaped (as to say that they are not completely objective and without bias) and constructed, we can agree that there do exist other ways in which similar information is constructed...now do i agree that you can take a shower and reduce the risk of catching the hiv/aids virus?...no...but for a certain worldview or for a disease still not completely well understood even by western medical standards, it may very well seem plausible to another...do i think that mothers should feed their babies formula?...hell no!...that doesn't stop formula companies from going around the world and pushing their products as better than breastmilk-even with so-called scientific research which clearly proves otherwise...so why then would we hold mbeki responsible for having views which differ from scientific research (assuming that to be the case...have never talked to him so i don't know for sure...)...its no different from other leaders who do exactly what their in-house researchers will have discovered to be detrimental to their people...i can start listing, but i think we get the point...

...i think this is a joke...unless we are going to start to bring to trial/hold responsible ALL players in the fuckedupness that goes on in the world, i'm not really sure what 'getting mbeki' will really do...just my thoughts...maybe you can enlighten me...

...inhale...exhale...

2008-10-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

...ahhh...the wonders of constant, strong internet...att finally got it together but then i had to write a paper...so here we are...dunno where to start...so a little ditty...feeling like telling a little story...let's see how it goes...

..len: i think i'm turning into one of those girls...

..mara: you already are one of those girls...

..len: shut your mouth!...

..mara: why?...its not like we don't already know...

..len: who is we?...and you don't know...because i haven't...

..mara: are you sure?...

..len: of course i'm sure silly...thats that full moon got you talkin out the side of yo neck...

..mara: (looking up at the moon...shakes head slowly, doubt dancing in and around her eyes)...i'm pretty sure it ain't the moon...you definitely are one of those girls...but there's nothing wrong with it, unless its a problem for you...then you just gotta change it...

..len: it ain't so...imma pop you one good one in the mouth if you keep talkin that nonsense...

..mara: then why did you say it?...

..len: say what?...

..mara: what you said...

..len: what did i say?...

..mara: you know what you said...

..len: i need a leather jacket...look at hers (pointing at a homeless lady in the distance)...

..mara:(under her breath) you need to figure out why you like those kind of girls and stop bullshittin...

..len: what'd you say...

..mara: what?...

..len: you just said something but i couldn't really hear you...

..mara: i did?!...(feigning shock an surprise)...

..len: (narrows eyes)...whatever heiffa...
pregnant pause as len looks at mara, shyly while mara is looking at the moon that isn't quite full anymore...
...am i?...

..mara: you are...

..len: why?...

..mara: you should be the one telling me that...

..len: i tried not to let it happen...

..mara: you have to try harder...

..len: i don't think i can...

..mara...you can...you will...if you want to...

..len: if i want to...

..mara: if you want to...

..len: you reflect me...

..mara: only when you let me...

...i've missed you guys...going to make my rounds sometime this weekend...

...grantwriting and reading...

2008-10-03T23:08:00.001-07:00

...i know...its rather ridiculous at this point right...i am well though...just burdened with readings and now grant writing...as if i didn't have enough to do...and can you believe that att has yet to install our internet?...tools!!...one day, i will have internet that i have paid for...will try and properly update soon...kisses...

...where are you from?...and other musings...

2008-09-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

...went dancing at the senegalese spot in san francisco saturday night...the place is too small...or maybe lets in too many people...either way, the heavy heat slams your face as you walk in off the cool street, after showing your identification and paying the cover...the music is the best...reggae and african hits...i immediately started bobbing my head, trying to hold my hips steady while i contemplated the drink i wanted for the night...the drinks are also noteworthy...i ordered a ginger margarita...i killed my drink as i don't like to walk around the club with a drink in hand...not that i needed any more warming up, the drink quickly increased the temperature of my insides...i smiled, shrugged and found a hook to hang my jacket...i walked out to the dancefloor with friend...

...'he' stepped in and grabbed my arm...i looked at him and figured whatever...i wanted to dance...maybe even grind a little;)...so i danced...descriptions of actual dancing can be left to your imaginations...ole boy asks me my name...i tell him and ask him his...not that i really cared but you know, reciprocity or something like that...he then asked me where i was from...i told him my parents are nigerian...he had an accent so i was actually curious where he was from...he claimed brasil...key word to note is claimed...i ask him what part...he proceeds to pronounce the beach copacabana, in the worst accent i've ever heard in life...then, as if i didn't know (honestly, who doesn't know that copacabana is in rio de janeiro?;) he supplements the last statement with 'rio de janeiro'...red flag flew up as he butchers the pronounciation again...see...brasilians, especially cariocas (people from rio de janeiro) do not pronounce the r in front of words...they aspirate them...so a name like ronaldo becomes ho-nal-do...hence, rio de janeiro would not be pronounced ree-o-day-juh-naro...suffice it to say, by the end of the night, i was convinced that ole boy was not brasilian...his accent sounds like that of someone who has learned the language...i even tried to give him the benefit...maybe he was really angolano, mozambican or cape verdean...or even portuguese...nah...i've heard all those accents and he had none...even after i told him i speak portuguese and spoke with him in portuguese, this fool continues in his horrendous accent and mostly spoke english...its beyond me why he felt the need to lie...ridiculous folks...

...other than faux brasilians;), i love the bay!!!!...i got a free king size bed for my room which thrills me immensely!...can't wait to er, test it out...hehe...its a bit cooler, temperature-wise here than in southern cali...i do miss that la sun...but there is something soothing and nostalgic about the cool weather...invokes memories of ghana's western region, save for the humidity...or harmattan mornings in naija...i instinctively layer my clothes...i never realize what i'm doing until i've finished dressing and look down to notice the layers...there is something comforting and lightweight empowering about being able to produce such heat and trap it close to your body...i find myself unconsciously slipping my hands into my shirt or top of my pants, in search of warmth, while sitting in class with open windows or an outdoor cafe...it pleasantly shocks me to feel the warmth...i allow my fingers to linger at my collarbone, waist or hips, until i glimpse my teacher turning to look in my direction...i drink tea more than ever...i sometimes retreat into my mind as i walk...these days, thoughts about sociological and anthropological theory and musing take up a lot of brain space...but other thoughts butt in from time to time...i saw a braid shop called akwaaba braiding and thought to myself, 'oh, i can go there to braid my hair'...and then i remembered i had locs...

...sept. 11...

2008-09-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

...moving today!!!...hooray!!!!...need a bed, dresser, all that good bedroom stuff and desk things...need to make my rounds in blogville...been a minute...

...today is sept. 11...while folks sit around mourning the fall of the twin towers, i choose to reflect on the us' complicity in the guatemalan govt's genocidal massacre of mayans...yeah...today marks the day that guatemalan anthropologist and activist (who used to joke about the difference between american and guatemalan anthropologists being that one either publishes or perishes while the other perishes if they publish, respectively-if that made any sense;) myrna mack was killed as a result of her pioneering fieldwork on the destruction of indigenous communities in guatemala...the same govt the us sold arms to, in the so-called name of national security and to fight communism-cold war time...and then they are surprised when folks just happen to want to bomb them...mayans continue to be persecuted, exterminated and oppressed in guatemala, and the rest of the world closes their eyes...then they'll want to study their bones and lifestyle after they are extinct, instead of working to save them now/preserve them...stupid, ass-backwards way of doing things...

...my birthday is saturday and i still don't know what the heck i'm going to do to celebrate...want to go out dancing, that's for sure...we'll see...have some fellowships to apply for and stupid amounts of reading to conquer...gave my number to a very, very cute boy:)...too bad he lives so far away...maybe i can convince him to move to the bay;)...off to read:(

...school is kicking my butt!...

2008-09-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

...its been a minute...i know...i apologize...school has been kicking my butt...i haven't been writing...what sort of a writer am i if i don't write daily?...going to change that...move into my permanent place on thursday...once there, i'm setting a schedule so i can write everyday...

...what's new?...love the bay!!!!...school requires way tooooo much reading...i can't even believe!...my brother started and played the whole game against cuba...that kid is simply amazing!...i'm happy...and well...uh, that's it for now...i promise to properly update soon...

...what in the hell?!...

2008-08-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

...amidst my life and its fuckery, i feel the need to interlude it with some other fuckery going on in the world...

...have black people in the us run out of racist acts to rally around or what?...i get this email this morning about african americans in an uproar about some skit on planned parenthood's website...according to the report, the life education and resource network (learn-largest african american pro-life organization) claims that the video is a racist depiction of an african american youth giving oral sex to a white youth while a white counselor gives them advice...so, i ran over to the website to check it out...(you really need to see the video and website to put the whole thing in perspective...essentially, a white-ish looking guy is standing in the middle of the screen...a white older male is passing by and then stops to talk to white-ish looking boy...older white guy is explaining that oral sex is still sex and should be executed with protection...black kid stands up, making it obvious that he was supposed to have been performing fellatio on white-ish boy...older guy keeps talking...video ends)...

...now, i'm a fairly race-conscious person (i've actually calmed down since my youth) and am always looking for the racism in everything, for everyone, whether you're black, green, yellow, white or red...i watched the video and then sat before the screen dumbfounded...try as i might, i couldn't find the racism...i checked other videos to see if it would be more obvious there...that only served to further prove how unracist the video was...it's painfully obvious that planned parenthood was trying to on some level represent a good number of ethnic groups (why i said the boy was white-ish because he could have been arab, latino, even maybe of asian persuasion;)...and they were trying to show different ways in which sexual intercourse or sexual activities can occur...they even had a skit where a girl decides to stay home to masturbate...

...i'm still unclear of what was racist...it sounds more homophobic, on the part of the african americans outraged by it all (the black guy was giving head to the white-ish guy)...would it have been ok if the black kid was getting head?...or if the instructor had been black?...or if the blackk guy was getting head from a white girl?...why didn't they yell about the skit with the black guy calling a girl to come over?...the action in the skits aren't neceessarily as much the focus as the message...the skit is just a way to get your attention...if the black guy hadn't been present, they would have complained too...please, if you see the inherent racism, please point it out to me...otherwise, this is another bogus claim, furthering weakening any other future claims of racism by the african american community in the us....the call to fuckboys dodo and dumbass (conk-ass al sharpton and foot-in-mouth-on-the-air jesse jackson, respectively) and obsolete naacp to boycott planned parenthood only makes learn look more ridiculous...asking obama to support your stupidity is just ridiculous...(of course you know if obama doesn't support, it will be further proof of why he's the 'wrong kind of black', right?)...if you are looking for some racist acts, i can point you in the direction...that certainly wasn't it...regarding sexuality of black youth in the us, sorry but there are far more pressing issues...

...hopping down to my least favorite place in africa-south africa-those monsters continue to astound me...the white man, mark scott-crossley, who was originally sentenced to life for throwing the body of a black man, nelson chisale, into a lion enclosure, has been released on parole today...supposedly, the court had a change of heart since there was no evidence that nelson was alive when thrown into the lion enclosure...and perhaps that is true, that nelson wasn't alive before being thrown into the lion enclosure...but, what business did mark have throwing a possibly already dead man into a lion enclosure?...did nelson ask for his body to be disposed of in that manner?...and what killed him them?...and how did mark happen upon nelson's body?...i think its bullshit considering that we all know that our friend mark assisted another man in beating nelson prior...what else should i really expect from south africa?...i really hope and pray that the world cup will be moved some place else...i prefer it not be in africa than be in that God-forsaken place south africa...(i love my south african sisters and brothers o...don't get me wrong, but the fuckery is too much down there...some of it perpetuated by our own african princes and princesses)...

...anyway, still don't have a place to live and driving up tonightish...got a chance to run to scotland over the weekend to accompany my bro as he signed a contract with the glasgow rangers...just waiting to see if he gets the work permit...three cheers!!...he'll be playing football in europe!!!...looking forward to visiting scotland more...interesting place...will blog about the club there a little later...remind me...he was also named the new face of fifa 09 x-box...woohoo!!!...he has his own customized mii character for wii-the first and only mls soccer player, well when he was with mls...gotta go refresh the craigslist sublet/temporary page and my email to see if there are any new opportunities for a living situation and to see if anyone has emailed me back:)...

...*update*...na so they wan come find my trouble na this craigslist...see how this man is trying to take my money under the guise of subletting his apartment in san francisco...*sucks teeth*...

...current mood: slightly frantic...

2008-08-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

...i was sailing easy...had found a place i wanted to sublet...the time period was perfect...and then boom...an email informing me that she had decided to rent the place to some 'eager' couple...eager?...what the fuck made them more eager than me?...i was willing to pay upfront without ever even seeing the place...i was willing to western union you, unknown person supposedly subletting said studio, some portion of my hard-earned and even harder saved cash to secure the apartment...that didn't scream 'eager' to you?!...arrrggghhh!!...i thought i had closed that damn chapter...now here i am again on craigslist looking for a damn sublet...good grief...

...is it compulsory for people in the bay to have cats?!...fuck!!!...i've seen like several really wonderful places...i'm reading the ad thinking, 'this place is puuurrrr-fect', until the poster reveals that they have CATS...and they always try and make the creatures sound so sweet and wonderful...'two beautiful and friendly cats'...i don't care how beautiful/friendly/intelligent/warm/fast/etc your cat is...those things cause my eyes to water incessantly, sneeze without pause and i end up sounding like i haven't blown my nose in years...sometimes they make me cough and 'tickle' my throat...those without cats want you to write them an ad about yourself...piss off...i just need a place to lay my clothes and head until i find a real place...far too involved...all that time and then they'll tell you that they decided to rent the place to an 'eager' couple...

...i haven't even talked of price o...you'll see the title of the ad as '$500 for 1bdrm immaculate apartment close to lake'...i'm thinking, 'great, cheap and close to a body of water'...only to open the bloody email and find that they are asking $500 a week!!...lai, lai...i quickly close the ad and move on...me, i no get money to just be throwing away o...

...it just dawned on me again that i am going back to school...but not just school...like, a majority white school...i need to get my head right because they do things very differently from black schools...i emailed my advisor to say hello and ask a few questions...i get back a very cold email with rehearsed answers...for example, i ask, 'are there any cases when students finish coursework before the three years?'...her/his response: 'our students sit for their qualifying exams at the end of three years'...well no shit!..that was not what i asked...i fuckin know that from reading the handbook...the advisor is already hinting that i can seek another advisor as i progress through the program...i just may...three years of this bullshit?...almost makes me want to endure late financial aid reimbursement checks, slow and inefficient staff and paper enrollment (honestly, who still enrolls with paper?!...okay, outside of some schools in africa?) for some warm and friendly professors/advisors...i just need to get my head real right and get ready to go 'get' what i need...i can already see that my advisor may only be that in name...why did i say i was going back to school again?...f!

...i just want to snap my fingers and my stuff and me are moved in cozily into some posh lil place in oakland...hey universe/God...did you hear that?...can you make that happen please?..thanks...

...nigeria beat the us and knocked them out of the olympics, cutting short my brother's dreams of bringing home gold...how fitting...you can imagine how we felt as we watched the game...cheering for nigeria but then cheering for the us...very weird because i don't ordinarily cheer for the us...it was bittersweet as i was happy naija moved on but sad for my brother...i won't comment on the dumb-ass fuck boy of a player that was red carded three/four (come on guys...is it really that hard to determine what damn minute the kid was ejected?) minutes into the game...anyway...everything happens for a reason...the us was not supposed to go on...so i am over it and am now unabashedly cheering for nigeria...go Naija!!!!...oh...i've decided, in true patriotic form, that i may, er, actually think about trying out for the naija women's olympic soccer team for 2012...before you laugh, i was damn good when i used to play...a very smart player...mostly played defense but could also do a little something in the midfield...my bro obviously has better ball control than i did, but hey...nothing a little training can't fix right?...so, if you know how one goes about trying out for the olympic team in naija, let me know...i'm serious o...

...i heard that sweet potato fries are better for you...which is great by me because i prefer them over regular fries anyway...but i do remember reading somewhere else that eating fried carbohydrates or was it starch?...anyway, it increases your risk of cancer...(does that sound familiar to you naapali?)...which cancer, i don't know o!...see how people can be misinformed by the internet?...if i had written that confidently, who would have known?...people would be telling their friends...haha...but, because i care, i inserted my doubt so that you will go and look it up yourself or at least know to take it with a grain of salt...the full moon should be here or will be soon...i think some rain would be nice...i just needed to blow off some steam...i have real work to do...so i'm outta here...although i do need to check in at nigerian curiosity...i've been away from there far tooo long...

...advice 2...

2008-08-11T18:59:00.001-07:00

...sometimes, its not that the wind is blowing that is of concern...at times, its more important to focus on how the wind is blowing...and why...

...why couldn't her grandmother just speak in normal terms like everyone else?..all these twisted, convoluted, crumpling on themselves moralistic bush stories...they couldn't even really be called stories as they were often too short, like the one above...who cares why the wind is blowing or how its blowing...what did that have to do with her question to her grandmother?...maybe talking to elders about relationship stuff wasn't the best...perhaps her grandmother had responded that way because the question had made her uncomfortable...but it shouldn't have...it was a mild question by any stretch of the imagination...she saved her sexually involved questions for her friends and more liberal adults...

...she carefully carried the glass of river fetched and then boiled water in her right hand...her left hand was moving slowly across the wall of the narrow hallway, helping her keep balance...she'd forgotten to sweep that morning and could feel the sand granules under her shoes, attempting to topple her with the slightest misstep...she wondered how so much sand could accumulate in just a few hours...it was only she, her grandmother, her older brother and father who lived in the house...her father had left to work before she had risen...her grandmother slept in the room closest to the front of the house and only used the hallway when she needed to ease herself, had energy to pound some boiled yams or wanted to give directions for making her favorite soup...

...her grandmother reached out her right hand for the glass...her hand was all that idara could see as the rest of her grandmother's brown arm was hidden under the sweater she wore only in the mornings during this time of year...idara was always amazed by her grandmother's ability to 'see' despite being blind...it almost seemed as though she sensed or heard better than others...idara remembered one night that she and her grandmother had sat under the dim light of a waxing moon, talking about her grandmother's youth...her grandmother had stopped in the middle of a sentence and sat very quietly...when idara had prodded her grandmother to continue, she had shushed her with her small, wrinkled brown hand...she had whispered that someone was coming and that she was trying to determine who...a second later, she'd told idara to call her father as the visitor was coming to visit him...idara'd looked suspiciously at her grandmother...then out to the open, dark and audibly quiet night...there was no car, not even an okada passing...she saw no one walking and heard nothing...her grandmother had turned to her and urged her to call her father...she'd gone...when she and her father had returned, a tall dark man was negotiating his fare with the okada driver...as soon as her father had seen the man, he had exclaimed, 'kanu!!!'...

...she handed the glass to her grandmother...she watched as her grandmother drank every drop of water in the glass within seconds...the water seemed to dance from the front of the glass to the back as her grandmother inhaled the liquid...she handed the glass back to her granddaughter...

'did you think about what i said?'

'yes grandmother...but i don't understand what it means exactly'

'what nonsense are they teaching you in that your so-called university?...a simple one like that and you can not decipher its meaning and relation to your question?...God forbid o!..me, i did not go to university but when my grandmother told me something like that, i understood o'...her grandmother turned her head and looked out at the reddish brown dirt which separated their house from that of their neighbor in front...idara stood completely still, unsure of whether to stay or leave...

'no amount of standing will make me tell you what that means o...go and read your books'...idara turned to walk away...'you betta sweep that hallway before your daddy returns home...i won't beg him to spare you this time o...hmmmn'...how had she known that idara had not swept?..she knows everything, idara thought as she walked to clean the glass...except how to answer a simple question with a simple answer...why were she and her boyfriend arguing so much?...especially as of late...

...sorry naapali...i know you warned against the ellipses...i'm so used to it now...a small poll may ensue about my use of ellipses...if i can figure out how to post a poll...

...advice...

2008-08-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

...she sat by the see through division between the oppressive heat trying to enter the house and the outlandishly cold interior...it was only the beginning of august...the worst time of the summer...the heat was the most unbearable, threatening to smother one to death if they dared to inhale...even the few minutes it took to walk from the front door to the car parked on the curb in the front of the house were enough to make one fear for their life...everyday that she made the treacherous journey, she swore it would be the last time, cursing as she tried not to inhale...but the next day when the sleek, black mercedes benz would pull up to her house, hugging the curb while the driver tooted the horn which beckoned her to come out, she answered...promising for the next day...

...it was half past 1 in the afternoon...he was late...she sat, unmoved by the window, refusing to let anyone in the house know how miserably disturbed she was...

...'why hasn't he even at least called to explain his absence...or tardiness?'...one older woman remarked...

...'when i was a young girl, men would court us...emphasis on court...they called if they were running late or couldn't make it...not like these boys today...think they have a flashy car and some smooth words and they don't have to respect girls...a shame.'...another one added...

...'a shame indeed...but i blame the girls for allowing them to treat them that way.'...she looked at the unresponsive girl at the window, hoping she would respond in some way...an eyebrow lift...a twitch...nothing...she almost seemed not to breath...

...'well, if it were me, when he showed up, i wouldn't even go outside to meet him...'

...'i can't believe he never enters the house...that would never have flied in my day...'

...'flown...it would have never flown in my parents' house either...'

...toot toot, came the familiar horn, albeit a good deal late...she stood quietly and almost effortlessly, hiding all signs of relief...she sauntered softly past the open-mouthed older women...as she opened the door, she held her left hand up high in the air, in plain view of the old women sitting...she fingered the monstrously huge and shiny ring on her ring finger...she looked knowingly at the old women, then shut the door...

...'well i'll be God-damned if these children aren't the most ungrateful and disrespectful bunch of devil spawns i've ever encountered...'

...'they have no appreciation for good advice...free tooo!...and we're not even related to her...just giving it to her from the kindness of our hearts'... the older woman who had remained quiet throughout the discussion took her left hand and tucked it under her thick thigh...

...'the little brat's not even married yet'...it was the woman who had started the discussion...'anyone can get engaged...i was engaged once too!'...she stood up and walked into the next room...in that room, another girl sat by a window...but she wasn't looking out in anticipation...no one was coming...she had assured that with her long list of things that he had to have and be and those that he couldn't be...the older women loved her because she gave audience to their beliefs, ideas and theories on love...they were elders afterall...and had the life experience to guide her forward without any reservation...she hadn't been on a date much less had a boyfriend since she had moved into the house and been taken under the wings of the older women...the women's teachings had intensified and become more fundamentalist as they had learned of the boys she was interested in...grandsons of their ex-lovers, flings, flames and loves who had never gone as far as they had hoped...it was their secret revenge...

...the older woman picked up the sweater the girl was knitting as the sun attempted to burn everything it could outside...she inspected the sweater...it was well-done...she assured the girl that she would certainly make the right man very happy, knitting his sweaters for him...the girl smiled and continued knitting...her left ring finger moving easily without the extra burden of holding up an engagement ring...

...its almost august!!!!!...

2008-07-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

...it certainly hasn't been for lack of fodder, thoughts or adventures to report...moreso a lack of time...one might even venture to say energy, which isn't usually my problem...ah...unfamilarity...that can explain it away the best...wasn't in my domain...my space...or as close to mine as we can get these days...

...but i am now...in the humble abode of my parents...my nostrils filled with the persistent and not always appreciated scent of cooked stock fish lingering on the molecules of oxygen, hydrogen and others which make up the air in the garage, kitchen and family room...the constant chatter of the television which refuses to take a break, even when everyone is sleeping...my mother is in the garage sewing some new outfit for herself...my father watching the television, periodically checking the food he is preparing...

...i'm trying to avoid interacting with her...not because i don't want to...i have to not interact as much...soon she'll be gone...don't want to be accustomed to it...talking to her...as she moves around the house surprisingly calm as she is preparing to travel to a country in which she's never been...i watch her, from slightly lowered eyelids...i don't want her to see that i have already begun to feel her absence...even as i know it is wrong...i should be enjoying the moment...breathing her in as nothing is promised...sometimes i forget myself and start talking to her anyway...

...marriage and questions of children have been dancing around in my head...and the mouths of friends...the ideas dancing from their mouths into my ears and into my head...and there they have lingered, attempting to break into my other more serious thoughts...trying to convince me that i can start to make plans regarding these things...i won't be fooled...i think some things can be planned for...others, you indirectly plan for...like marriage and children;)...at least for me...

...arabic is smooth...especially as it flows sweetly from the lips of a beautiful, tall, slim, dark featured egyptian engineer i met over the weekend...turns out he is a leo and celebrating his birthday this weekend...i am supposed to call him...this seems to be a re-occurring theme here...i get a number and i am supposed to call...me, who doesn't really care too much for initiating such things....arggghhh...and my friends are looking at me to call because we need the details for the weekend...what day, getting on the guest list, etc...i'm hoping to do so today...we'll see...and for the record, i did call the brasilian boy...but didn't really feel like following up afterwards...he lives too far and he's twelve (younger than me;)...hope to recruit cute egyptian to teach me arabic...so far, i can say, 'you are crazy' and 'you are beautiful (to a male)'...great phrases huh;)...

...looking to get into a more creative groove...a more grounded one as well...been a little all over, hanging out, giving lots of energy, actively teaching and dancing my life away...need to balance it out some...being a little quiet, reveling in some solitude, delving into the depths of my mind and soul...reconnecting with my life source and purpose here...

...tonight, i'm going to meet a hot brasilian guy!'...

2008-07-15T20:22:00.000-07:00

...when i said it, my friend laughed...i asked why she laughed, as i was somewhat serious...she laughed and responded that i had said it as if it was an obligation...i laughed and told her it was...we laughed some more...it wasn't really...well...obligation is a strong word...maybe a desire...a hope...a whimsical one...yes...but obligation?...heavens no...i'm not desperate...so i didn't go out of my way or do anything out of the ordinary...i observed like i like to...most of them were not so pleasing to my eye...i wasn't pressed...afterall, i had come to see revelacao play...dance a little samba...enjoy the cool air and smell of the water in long beach...it had been a whimsical hope at best...nothing to be taken too seriously...

...we danced, laughed, tried to get into the 'vip' section...finally, my friends, being from angola, were able to find a security guard who knew about a dance in angola called kuduro (don't hold me to the spelling please o!...or the name...)...i was impressed that these brasilians knew what it was...i am not sure how many africans even know what kuduro looks like or that it is a type of dance...we encouraged the friend that dances kuduro really well to go on stage and rock it out...she did!!!...we cheered her on as others watched in amazement and wondered who she was...she moved around the stage, effortlessly, moving her body to the music...revelacao gave a shot out to luanda, angola...we got to take pictures with them...we met them...well, more or less...we went where they were after the show and took more pics...my friend danced some more kuduro for them while they sang spontaneously...it was fantastic!!!...i thanked her for being so gifted and sharing...she laughed...we leave the ship, making our way to the car...

...they call out...i didn't hear what they said exactly...my friend laughed and said that they had declared that 'gostamos das bahianas'...she and i laughed because we weren't brasilian and definitely not from bahia...but we'd play along...she was closer to them and stopped for them to walk over to her...they started talking...i and the driver stopped...they came over to us...they started to do introductions...he was wearing a green shirt, had olive skin with dark wavy hair and was indeed gorgeous...i almost gasped...i didn't catch his name as he asked mine...i don't think he actually offered his name...i told him mine...he told me it was a guy's name...i agreed...it is in latin countries...but in nigeria, it's unisex...he looked shocked...i was nigerian?...'como e que ela fala portugues?'...he turned and asked my friend...'onde aprendeu?'...my friend told him that i had learned in brasil and that i play capoeira...his friends had come over to distract me...one was also very good looking...not as good looking as green shirt...paler, but still had dark hair and dark eyes...a cutey...the other friend reminded me of a werewolf...paler cutey wanted to know if i could samba...i told him that i try...i directed him to watch my friend who was much better and was dancing...he wanted to see me...i denied him again...

...he asked if i knew another dance...i didn't...he decided to show me...at the end, it required a kiss...hmmmnnn...to kiss or not to kiss...

...later on, i learned green shirt cutie's name and phone number...he was born in puerto rico, then moved to brasil when he was like one...technically, he's brasilian...his family is arab, hence his arab name...and the features...he was damn fine!!...i wondered again why we couldn't invite them along or go where they were going...my friends reminded me...anyway...i got his number...he told us to call whenever we were in his town...he lives and goes to school in santa barbara...i didn't get his age, but something tells me he's younger than i am...i didn't care though as i watched him walk away, lean, tall, beautiful confident walk, full of...i grasp for a word to explain...and i am unable to find one...fiquei bem apaixonada pra ele...o cara dele, o jeito, manera de falar...de andar...tudo!...bem gostoso!!!...

...i had said it was a whimsical hope...one i had forgotten about until then...maybe i'll call when i drive up to the bay...afterwall, santa barbara is on the way to the bay, right;)...

...this video is of some kuduro dancing in angola...kuduro may be the name of the music as well...the pics are some that we took at the event...the top is of some of the members of grupo revelacao from sao paulo, brasil...

...moon delusions...

2008-07-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

...he to her: ...i'm going to take you to the moon...

...she to him: ...oh really?!...

...he to her: ...tonight...i'm going to take...you...to...the moon...

...she to him: ...(rolling her eyes)...baby, please...not tonight anyway...

...he to her: ...(smiling)...i'm going to take you to the moon...you'll see soon...

...i thought you said you were going to take me to the moon...i was more than ready to visit the moon with you....and that...was soo not the moon...we never even left earth...we barely made it to the sea...well, the coastline for me...the way you were yarning, i expected so much more...maybe even see mars or catch a glimpse of the sun...on my way down....your prep or maybe enticement seemed like we were going to ride, ride and ride high to the moon...taking our time and enjoying the scenery...the sights, smells, dips, rises, sounds and tastes...i was ready to taste it all, take it all in...i imagined the vehicle we'd use, long but not too lean...even the vehicle left me wanting...the ride, i barely remember...

...and here i lay on the boardwalk, i didn't even make it to the beach or the seashore...you, you float happily in the ocean, doing the backstroke every now and then...i'm restless, unfulfilled and anxious...you're satisfied, pleased even...i vow to myself, no more trips to the moon...at least not with you...as i vow, i remember how a friend used to say sometimes that solo trips to the moon were better...

...nostalgic...and thinking of 'sexy time'...;)

2008-06-26T01:42:00.000-07:00

...i grew up on jodeci as in i played them out...if you ever saw me out, i had my walkman (for the babies, this was during a time long before ipods or even portable cd players) in ear, blasting jodeci cassettes...at any given time, it could have been the first album or the most recent one...i loved them as a whole and devante specifically (don't ask me what i was thinking back them...i think it was part rebellion because everyone else was feeling mr. dalvin...so by liking devante, it was less competition too;)...they helped build my expectations of sex...gave me good vivid imagery to use for daydreams...like selfless men who can go all night and have lightweight insatiable appetites...there were other artists, but jodeci ranked very highly, lightweight my favorite...back in the day...

...funny enough, most adults raised eyebrows when i would proudly tell them who i was listening to...if only they'd known...i'm sure they'd gladly allow their child listen to them now over some of the other crap on the radio, posing as sex music...for example, this God-forsaken lollipop by that dirty gremlin looking short shriveled thing they call lil wayne or weezy, whatever the f he goes by these days...i have tried and tried to get into that nasty lil song...at the club/party, i'll twist and wind to it...maybe even lap dance to it...not at the club of course...(in fact, i haven't given a lap dance in a while...i think i'm due for one;)...but i can not imagine making love or even f*ck%ng (excuse my french/bluntness/vulgarity?!) to that nasty song...the thought of licking anything on that monkey's body repulses me...poor imagery...yuck!...the actual music is not bad, but the lyrics just kill me...'she say the nigger/nigga that she wit ain't shit'...what?!...while i'm f*ck&ng you, you're talking about the dude i'm with?!...'she wears her hair (grossly mispronounced) down her back like mine'...or something like that...real genius...'shawtie wants a thug'...not even sure what any of that has to do with giving head...or getting me in the mood to do so...let alone spread my legs and allow you in...again, the way the artist looks does not in any way help the situation!...

...then busted ass ray j's sexy can i...again, the music isn't so bad and i'll sashay around and shyly flirt with my eyes at a club/party...but this song would NOT make that 'music you play during sexy time' cd...'can i hit it from the front, can i hit it from the back?'...please...first of all, why are you asking me bitch?...just hit it and move me around as you please...hit it?!...how sexy?!...*dripping with sarcasm*...and you visit her at work and she's a stripper?!...give me a break...wtf?!...i can't even relate...of course she can do all that...you and all the other dudes have seen her do it...in fact, they're all singing the same lame ass song to her...and really, you're putting forth all that effort for a stripper?!!...figures...it is ray j afterall...somebody named the dream is singing some poopy song about having some girl singing falsetto...um...well, duh!...i can't remember the lyrics now but they were just as wack...in fact, do women's voices get higher pitched during sex?...mine doesn't...so, i wouldn't even be singing falsetto...okay, maybe at the grand finale...

...and usher, who i really used to like, wants to make love in the club...wtf?!...who makes love in the club?!...honestly?...okay maybe some folks do...but what he's describing isn't really sounding like lovemaking...in fact, many of today's so-called musicians make the mistake of singing about making love when they are describing f*ck^ng or just ole sex...i'm not sure what happened to usher because even his last cd had a couple songs that def would have made it on a 'music you play during sexy time' cd...but this new song?...hell NO!!!...make love in the club indeed...

...the lack of creativity disappoints me...the inability to elucidate the beauty of lovemaking, sex or even f*ck#ng is pathetic...is it really that difficult?...i've read blogs on here that do a damn good job describing all aspects of sex, creatively and beautifully...jodeci did it...'cuz making love...everytime we do, girl its worse than drugs, cuz i'm an addict over you'...from feenin'...now that def goes on the cd or ipod, these days...what's that you say?...feenin' is a mild song?...okay...pump it back...'and all i ask is one thing girl, is baby can you work with me?'...yes, i can!;)...even freek n you...he only dreams of freekin' me...i have no problems with that:)...i could go on and on with lyrics and other artists...but i won't...

...the point is that artists from my day were a little more creative and tried a little more...it is usually not easy to discuss sex in a way that would disgust me, but these artists today manage to do so...jodeci, boyz II men, dru hill, shai, old/produced by puffy/pdiddy 112, etc at least used metaphors, similes, imagery to talk about sex, lovemaking and good ole f_ _ _ _ _ _...artists today will go ahead and just say that the pussy in the mouth and whatever that lil nasty wayne character says...i'm not impressed...maybe we as a society are more lax, making it easier to be outright vulgar...some of these current songs are hard to distinguish from too short's (if you're familiar with too short, you'll understand the reference...this guy's music sickens me, mostly...his music is music you just f*ck to...i don't know this from experience....its what i've heard...besides, you can just tell)...in planning for my to be made sexy time shuffle on my ipod (still don't know how that thing works), i'll have to revert back to the past for music...que pena...the music is good, it's the lyrics today that just suck...they couldn't induce a rise or any dampness, depends on your sex;)...

...i salute you karen salazar!...

2008-06-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

...for challenging the status quo, for daring to do what you feel is accurate, relevant and appropriate...for inspiring students, promoting and encouraging them to actively learn and engage, for living what you preach...

...karen salazar is a second year english teacher that jordan high school (in los angeles) has decided to let go, as in not renew her contract...why? you ask?...for encouraging political activism among her students...i'll allow a moment of silence for the stupidity of such a statement to sink in...

...what sort of fuckery was going through their heads at jordan high school?...when everyone is looking for teachers, you're firing a teacher for encouraging political activism among her students?...when did that become a firable offense?...oh i see...because that would mean that the students are probably learning something or thinking at least, if they are going to be politically active perhaps...they won't graduate or drop out as unthinking subservient imbeciles waiting their turn to be imprisoned or as unwed mothers registering for welfare...they might actually start demanding things that they are owed or should be in place, maybe even rioting when they don't get it...worse still, they may graduate and decide to actually attend college...what with obama making history right now too, oh hell no!!!...salazar has to be stopped!!...

...salazar has also received complaints that her teachings are too 'afro-centric'...ha!!!!...bwahahahahahahaha!!!!...excuse me as i gain control of myself...the assistant principal even accused her of brainwashing the students!!...lol...i feel like i am reading a script for a cartoon or farce of sorts...are you kidding me?!...too afro-centric?!...oh i'm sorry!...i guess salazar should keep implementing the euro-centric curriculum in place for centuries so everyone feels good and not challenged right?..screw that the euro-centric curriculum may not in any way be relevant to the students who are mostly african-american...reading the autobiography of malcolm x is too much huh?...you may have a bunch of angry, thinking, proud little negro kids running around demanding rights again, huh?...reading lyrics by tupac and poetry by langston hughes is just absurd and has no place in the classroom, obviously...if it isn't shakespeare, edgar allan poe or walt whitman, dammit, its trash!!!...they must be european and european only...afterall, it was the europeans and americans later that discovered everything in this world!...didn't you know?

...the straw breaking the camel's back was principal strachan accusing salazar of starting a separate student activist group demanding more culturally relevant courses and accurate, up-to-date student records...God forbid!!!...i'm not really sure why the advocacy would be a bad thing...trying to wrap my head around that...it makes you wonder or may confirm for you, as it does for me, what the school/educational system's real agenda is...i'll use salazar's pungent words: "This school system for too long has been not only denying them human rights, basic human rights, but doing it on purpose in order to keep them subservient, to subjugate them in society."...couldn't have said it better...

...this is a clear example that educating the youth is NOT the aim in the school/educational system...obviously or the relevancy of the courses to the students would matter to the administration...now i'm not advocating fuckery like teaching the students in ebonics...but, if you can use black authors to illustrate the standard writing techniques, why not?...or latino authors in schools where students are mostly latino...especially in a society that so unashamedly promotes and elevates one culture as the only relevant one, and we all know that culture is not african, african american, latino, asian, jewish, native american nor middle eastern...using and highlighting artists and intellectuals of minority (see, oppressed groups or groups placed in an inferior place in society by self-appointed superior group) groups help instill pride and worth and aspiration in students from the same or similar groups...when i heard about che, i was inspired and moved to be better...i remember my brother came home awed and unable to stop talking about samurai warriors after he learned about their bravery and valiant (in his eyes) ways...i guess the only brainwashing allowed in schools is the one dictated by the nation-shut up and take it as it is; you are inferior and will amount to nothing; you can't change anything and shouldn't try; and oh yes, white people of european stock, are the best...the only acceptable centric is euro-centric...thank you guys...got the message loud and clear!...if that is what mandatory education is about, they can take that shit and shove it!...

...i salute you karen salazar....you told your students that they embody what it means to be a warrior-scholar, a freedom-fighting intellectual; that they are part of the long legacy, the strong history, of fighting back...so too are you!...thank you for inspiring me today...i stand in complete solidarity with you and hope you get your job back...

...for the complete article about this: click me...

...china in afrika...

2008-06-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

...here we go again with that spelling of africa-afrika...maybe because its a dutch magazine (in reference to the photo below)...

...when i was in ghana, i remembered asking and overhearing people talking about the presence and influence of china in ghana and africa in general...i remember some ghanaians were so happy...saying things like, 'instead of looking to the west, we will start looking to the east'...i thought to myself, 'eee-diot!!...see your mouth...instead of looking within to 'develop' like china did, you are looking once again to outsiders to advance and improve our lot...will we never learn?'...i just nodded at the stupidity flying from said person's mouth and asked some other leading questions...they refused to be led and instead gave me some long-winded and useless answer trying to convince me of why it was better to look to the east and not the west...they glossed over the looking within or scoffed...i met a delegation from ethiopia while in ghana and they agreed that it was better to look within, which was actually why they were in ghana...looking within the continent for solutions and best practices...

...when i spoke to people who actually worked with chinese in ghana, the story was different...they definitely didn't see the difference, except maybe a little more money paid...but they recognized that the chinese had their best interest at heart and not that of ghanaians...and rightfully so...it still baffles my mind that we africans believe that anyone is coming to help us just for helping's sake...lai lai...but, its similar to what i see in the us in black communities...

...when there is a black owned company in the neighborhood, black folks will find all sorts of excuses not to patronize it (cost too much, 'what am i going to go there for?', 'now you know black folk cain't do shit right', and on and on)...when lil black owned shop has to close down and move out and a korean owned business pops up in its place, black people complain about patronizing the korean establishment...for a multitude of reasons from racism to mistreatment...but they brace themselves and patronize...and complain...instead of sympathizing with the need for the high cost because it is a black owned establishment and patronizing to grow the black community, black people would rather patronize the korean shop, which can charge less, but complain all day...so africans won't work together but will allow chinese to come in and exploit...instead of working together from within to build our communities and nations, we allow others to come and pose as though they will...some don't even bother to pose...we don conveniently close eye to the new battle going on over african resources, which funny enough, africans aren't even involved in...we don put out mat for the chinese and indians, pulled out the kola nut, ordered freshly tapped palmy and wifey is preparing the pepper soup...

...i can't even be angry at the pic below or the chinese man...it is us and us alone that has bent over and spread our buttcheeks for the new rape...i don't know if i should even call it rape as it is willingly...for the sake of taking into consideration 'context' and history, we go call am rape...if nothing else, we should have learned a lot from what happened when we gained independence and the colonizers left our countries...if we forgot, shei, robert mugabe reminded us when he expelled the foreigners from zimbabwe and we have watched the subsequent collapse of the country...and i am not insinuating that we need them in our countries...

...djavan came to la!!!!!...

2008-06-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

...i got the opportunity to see one of my favorite artists perform live this weekend!!...djavan!!!!...he's a brazilian artist who has been making music since 76...i love, love, love his voice...his lyrics are like poetry...he performed songs off his new album and classics...he has soooo many, i wonder how he decided which to perform...but, he did sing one of my favorites, amor puro!!!....i love that song...

...the security was working my nerves though, trying to keep us in our seats and not dancing in the aisles...yeah right!!!...a crowd that was like 97.3% brasilian, is not going to sit down for a djavan concert!...give me a break...after a while, they just gave up...at one point, one brasilian lady started dancing with the security guard...i tried to photograph it but the camera i was using has some stupid delay......so by the time i took the pic, another guard had come over...another girl jumped onstage and hugged djavan...the onstage officer was going to apprehend her but djavan seemed to enjoy the embrace, which was a long one if i might add...i think she may have even kissed him...anyway, here are some pics i took from the show...

...danca do creu!!!!!...

2008-06-10T23:35:00.000-07:00

...so, i'm working on velocidade 5;)...hahaha...look how thick ole girl is!!!...crazy!!!...see her thighs, hips and ass with a flat belly!...i don't want her proportions but wow!...its so interesting how different people from different parts of the world worship and adore different parts and proportions of the body...for those of you still looking for some workouts for the summer, just try dancing like melancia (the thicker one) in high heels for thirty minutes straight...notice that her legs are mostly muscle...

...and i am sure there is someone out there that will question whether this is unfair to women...or if it is portraying them as sex objects...or that the way the girls are dancing is vulgar, including the outfits...or that [insert gripe about video]...if i told you i was offended when i saw the video, i would be lying...i was in awe at melancia's ability to move her body and ass like that...okay...maybe i'm partial because its brasil...if that was lil wayne rapping and those were some other video h-...i mean video vixens popping and tooting their bums as such, would i have been as astonished, amazed and inspired (to go dance like that of course)?...is it important that it is brasil and not the us?...how would it be different if they were naija chicks or jamaican babes or scottish girls?...your thoughts?...

...naapali, the warrior princesses i threatened you with, dance like melancia:)...you can blame mercury in retrograde still for this not so serious post...*shrugs*...what can i do?...

...save the children indeed...

2008-06-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

...this is dedicated to the so-called un peacekeeping officers and employees of international ngos working in refugee camps and post-conflict areas amongst vulnerable populations...dedicated to your pathetic decisions to manipulate your position and status to sexually assault, exploit and abuse women and children who look to you for protection and creation of a safe environment...thank you for nothing...and thank you to the those who could do something about, who choose NOT to do anything...this isn't the first time this has happened and won't be the last...create a watchdog agency to watch over the un peacekeeping officers?!...there is something fundamentally wrong with that!...go here to read the report by save the children...*jumps off her soapbox before she gets really riled up*...

...alani: ...miriam!!...where have you-...

...miriam: ...sssshhhh!..don't be shouting my name all over the place like that!!...are you mad?!...

...alani: ...no...well, mad about seeing you?...yes...where have you been?...people have been looking for you?...me included...

...miriam: ...which people?...

...alani: ...everyone here...your mother especially...

...miriam: ...nonsense...

...alani: ...where have you been?...have you been eating?...you look worse than when you left here...

...miriam: ...i'm better...

...alani: ...than what?...

...miriam: ...than before...

...alani: ...are you on drugs?...

...miriam: ...why?...

...alani: ...you're talking like a madwoman...

...miriam: ...maybe i am...

...alani: ...you should come back...

...miriam: ...to where?...

...alani: ...the camp...it's not home but it is safer...

...miriam: ...safer for who?...safer than what?...i'll take my chances out here...

...alani: ...something is not well with your head...

...miriam: ...it has gotten better since i left...don't worry...they haven't come for you...your father is still around...i pray he stays so you can remain ignorant of the things i have experienced...

...alani: ...who hasn't come for me?...haven't experienced what?...and experienced where?...what are you talking about?...

...miriam: ...sometimes, things are left better unsaid...or better left unsaid...

...alani: ...you annoy me with all this your cryptic and vague talk...just come back...your mother cries everyday...

...miriam: ...she cried everyday while i was there...she said it was because she couldn't help me...or make it stop...i think that and her own shame...nothing has changed...

...alani: ...what did you guys experience?...

...miriam: ...don't worry...kneel down and thank God for your ignorance...i beg you not to find out...but if you must know, ask some of the other girls...they may tell you...or watch how a young girl walks, especially after coming back from fetching water or collecting food rations...especially if it is her first time...sometimes, they can't walk for days...

...alani: ...(shaking her head)...i don't know what you're talking...just come back...

...miriam: ...i have to go...

...she turned and started running and darting behind shrubbery and trees until she had vanished from sight into the lush vegetation awaiting her return...alani stood, motionless, for a long time...a pensive mood had moved in...to help her make sense of what her friend had said...nothing emerged...she still didn't understand...

...she felt the presence of something or someones behind her...she turned slowly and saw two men...they were dressed in uniform...like the ones the troops at the camp wore...she exhaled...she was safe...she started walking towards them...they weren't smiling like the others usually did...she didn't think about it and kept walking...she threw up her hand to wave and one of the officers grabbed it...she stopped and turned to look at him, bewilderment on her face...

...officer1: ...how old are you?...

...alani: ...14 sir...please, release my hand...

...officer1: ...perfect...(he nodded to officer2, who grabbed her feet in one swift movement while officer1 wrapped his long and monstrously huge free hand around her mouth...off they marched back out towards the bush...

...update, of sorts...

2008-06-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

...part...twist, twist...walk to mirror...inspect twist...part again...twist, twist...and so it went as i twisted the last few strands of hair on my head last monday...and so it begins, i thought to myself...embarking on my loc journey...and really delving into this next phase of my life that i blogged about before...its interesting, this early on, how similar the hair locing journey is to the journey of my life right now...an elder once advised me about ideas turned into plans, 'lay it out carefully, paying attention to all details....and then sit back and watch it happen'...that's kind of where i am with the locs and life plans...have or am laying it out carefully and getting ready to sit back and watch as it happens...its the watching without meddling that can be rather difficult...but, we'll work it out...some are starting to loc already!!...i'm super excited...received some compliments on the new hair already too...anyone who knows me and my battle with acceptance of short hair would understand what a huge step it has been for me to twist my hair and walk out with it uncovered...i do plan on covering it a bit in the future...don't want everyone's energy...

...been training capoeira angola with a friend...dancing and hanging out...writing and watching the nephew...nothing exciting to report...i've been trying to write a post the past couple days and have just been struggling...a friend delivered clarity the other day...mercury is in retrograde!!!!...and will be until june 19th...makes sooooo much sense...so, sorry about the unexpected hiatus...wasn't planned and surprised me too...now that i recognize it for what it is, i should be able to better work through it...we'll see...off to catch up on some reading...

...update: sorry, for those unclear about mercury in retrograde, you can look at this website...they do a good job explaining it...otherwise, its a time when the planet mercury appears to be moving backwards in the zodiac...all planets experience retrogrades but mercury is most popular/known because of the havoc it can wreak...mercury rules communication...informal ones like writing, speaking, short shopping sprees, etc...during this period, you are advised to be on guard of what you say, how you interpret what others say, cut back on errands, postpone the party or signing any contracts...expect delays related to communication (mail, email problems, etc.)...some advise using this time to meditate, contemplate, edit the book/poem/song/essay you've been writing, clean house, talk to your pet, listen to music, paint and catch up on sleep...

...i met a moor once...

2008-05-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

...well, i'd actually met him a couple times before that...but it was always under the context of business...this time though was different...i was at a femi kuti concert in atlanta with a good friend of mine...we had worked our way up to the front looking for some other friends who were there and just trying to be as close as possible so we could dance a little and see femi, the band and the dancers better...and let me say, after seeing the dancers, i had to apologize to a male friend who i had looked at with disgust when he told me he was going just to see the dancers...i thought what sort of man are you?...femi is singing about real shit and you're coming to see the dancers?...but when i saw the dancers, i understood completely...even the band members, who see these women perform on a regular couldn't help but watch them dance...

...so as we were standing there dancing, my friend pointed to the speaker to our right...perched comfortably was him, the moor...i could only see his profile as his head was turned to the stage...he had one of those large round wooden earrings looking things in his ear...she was pointing him out because she thought he was hot...i looked...he's fair, kind of chai latte tea made with soy milk fair...he looked quiet, pensive...not at all like the fiery hot, passionate naija men around him...something about all those naija men there...i couldn't really 'see' him at that point you know...i deemed him, 'cute' and kept my eyes roaming...i was already checking out some other hottie across the room...but he was with a girl...

...after the show, my friend and i called ourselves trying to play groupies...let's just say we uh, chickened out when the band members were really trying to facilitate that opportunity...haha...story for another day...we escaped further naija guy antics and went to a bar/restaurant where you can dance place up the street from where the concert was...my friend was to meet this dude she was interested in there...as we landed, it turned out they were having a lesbian burlesque show or something...i wasn't all that interested in going and for damn sure wasn't paying so we kind of hung out outside...she talked to him and i dabbled in and out of their convo...when i tired of dabbling, i was left to stare at the moon...then the moor strolled up and i was able to see his face...he was very pleasing to the eye!!...and i could 'see' him...he had this calmness that i found intriguing...he stopped and said something to me which i don't remember now...anyway, some other cat and this girl with serious energy had also come over too...so we started some mindless banter about this and then nothing at all...then we landed on astrology...i tried to guess the moor's...i guessed wrong and then he started a philosophical gist about it which further piqued my interest...

...at this point, the show within was over and we could now enter the place...so i, my friend, the energetic girl, the guy she came with and the moor entered the place...we took a seat while the moor roamed to the back, as he wasn't with us...some song came on and i can't stand to sit down when good music is playing...so we get up and dance with no cares as the place is essentially empty save for a group here and there doing their wacky-tacky dances...this girl decided she wanted to dance with me...lailai...shei na another story...anyway, swerved out of that one and kept dancing...the moor comes over and sits where we were sitting and is just watching us dance...i am forgetting now, but somehow he asks if i want to go outside with him...sure i do!...so i inform my friend and step out...we stand out in front just gisting...he admires my dress....i blush and thank him hoping he doesn't notice that i am cold...he does and asks if i want to walk a little....i nod...we walk around the corner gisting about nothing and stuff...i watch how he reacts to the homeless man telling him some nonsense...there's a very masculine but gentle way in which he speaks to people, the homeless man included, even as he tells him he doesn't have any cash...he's smooth and very intense...he has dark pools for eyes which suck you in, but not in a scary way...in that way that makes it hard for you to tear your eyes away from beauty...they're attentive...i wonder how he'll be in bed...

...we walk back and my friend has texted me asking where i am as she is getting ready to leave...we walk into her and she asks if i am fine...considering that i live a stone's throw away, i reassure that i'll be fine and she can go...she does...me and the moor sit down, but before i sit, he wipes down the bench for me...i appreciate it as i don't want to get my dress dirty and wouldn't have sat otherwise...we sit gisting...people are still milling around...he tells me he loves my hair...i am surprised and bashfully thank him...wasn't feeling so great about the hair...he tells me it brings out my face...i know i blushed and looked away...he looked out into the darkness of the night...another homeless man comes by asking for money...he gently rejects the request and sends the man along, after joking a little with the man...he is mad smooth, but not really in that player type way, although he very well could be a player...he has this gentleness that underlies what he does...there is something pensive about him as well...its an interesting mix because you can tell there is much under the surface...especially when he starts to give me gist about being a moor...it almost shocked me when the convo started as i never would have guessed in a million years that he identified as such...i had heard of moors and a little of their philosophy...had never met one...i wonder if he maintains such an intense gaze as he makes love...

...a car pulls up and this beautiful, tall, slim sista steps out of the car...she waves at him...he excuses himself as he has to help her unload some things...i nod...of course he would know this beautiful specimen of a woman...i suddenly felt ugly, short, inadequate, graceless and wished my hair was longer...don't ask why...i just did...i told you my hair was making me really insecure (i have struggled with wearing short hair-was just getting comfortable with it and the hairdresser had not given me what i wanted)...oh well...i marveled silently at her dress, how slim she was and just the beauty emanating from her...i prayed to God to allow my hair to be more cooperative in allowing me to be beautiful...he came back...he told me that was a friend of his, blah, blah, blah...i nodded...he told me that she had said for him to tell me that i was beautiful...i thanked God and my hair after all...i was shocked and tried to hide it so he wouldn't wonder if maybe i was ugly...i told him that she was also very beautiful...he nodded. watching me with those his very intense eyes...he smiled a little...i wondered how his lips would feel on my neck...

...as people cleared out and the homeless men went to their corners to settle for the night, we continued talking under the dim light of the stars and the moon...as he talked to me about moorism (i don't know if that is what it is called), he invited me back to his place for a 'night cap' and to finish talking...he lived further than i did, on the opposite side, but in walking distance...i didn't answer...he kept talking...i listened...he allowed me moments to ponder on what he was saying...he invited me again...i declined to answer, looking down the street that led to my apartment...i had no clue what a night cap was...a part of me wanted to go back to his place anyway...i wanted to at the very least taste his full lips and allow him a better view of my backside...i'd caught him checking it out-the dress i wore had this way of clinging to my body whenever there was a movement of air-as i had walked past him earlier...but then i had just met him...well, technically, this was the third time...so it wouldn't be so bad...and besides, i would be moving out-of-state soon ( i have this way of meeting cats as i am about to travel or move-rather ridiculous...how are you supposed to start relationships as you are departing?)...but what would he be expecting?...what was a night cap?...had never heard the term in my life...didn't feel like asking...i wondered if he would devour me as gently, slowly and intensely as he spoke and moved...

...'come on...let me walk you home'...he held out his hand for me to take as i stood up...i appreciated him for not asking me again...i took his hand...he walked me home...told me he enjoyed meeting me and that we should do a rain check on the night cap or just hang out later...i nodded...he hugged me...he felt nice, warm, strong...i wanted to do the rain check right then and go back to his place for the night cap...it wasn't too late...or i could invite him in...he released me from the hug...i looked away and stepped back...i looked at him shyly, head slightly cocked to the side, slightly embarrassed that i wanted to go back with him...thanked him for the evening and for walking me home, then turned and unlocked my door....i waved and closed my door as he turned and walked away...i texted him to make sure he got home...he texted me the next morning...he called to schedule 'hang out time'...we talked and scheduled a time...i flaked...i never saw him again...he makes bamboo jewelry and beds...

...world fuckery...well, most specifically african...

2008-05-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

...came off a weekend feeling good and inspired by the work we africans are doing, even if not in our countries of origin...told you i attended an event sponsored by a liberian org...its called efe international...they are a not-for-profit ngo with a mission to diagnose, treat and educate children and their parents afflicted with sickle cell disease, leukemia and other endemic diseases in developing countries...to start, they focus on liberia...the event i attended was a dinner to honor a doctor who donated about $400,000 (USD) worth of medical diagnostic/imaging equipment to efe international...rather interesting event...they had food i didn't eat (wasn't hungry...can you imagine?)...the doctor was made a chief and i got to learn about some other orgs created by liberians and doing work in liberia...being one concerned with the brain drain, things like this make me happy...its a drain, but some of it is coming back...and maybe wouldn't if not for the initial drain...the impetus for the creation of the org was very touching...mr. sumo, the president and founder of efe international and his wife lost their 19-year old daughter to sickle cell...but they didn't know she had it until after she died...her middle name was efe..instead of letting such a tragic event hamper them or kill their spirit, they used it to birth a vehicle to prevent such unnecessary loss for others...sorry, i have to save the good writing for the piece i'll write about the event...

...but i read something the other day that bothered me...plasticq hinted to it on his post, which made me try to go and read a little more about it...it sickens me to no end what south africans are inflicting on 'foreigners' in 'their country'...what sort of nonsense?!!...when will we, as human beings across the globe learn that nothing is solved when you kill others supposedly different from you?...further more, we don't really own any land!!!...what they [the south africans-granted, not all of them] are doing is as heinous as hitler's ideas during the holocaust...well, actually, hitler at least was trying to create a supposed superior race (we'll leave his delusions alone...and please o, i am in no way condoning nor applauding what took place during the holocaust...please make sure you read the underlying sarcasm in last statement) after scapegoating the jews and other non-aryans...how can people take a mozambican man, someone they probably drank guinness with the day before, douse him with petrol and then throw him into his burning shack...simply because he is from mozambique?!...such fuckery is unforgivable...why are we so bold with our own and not with others (i am not saying that we should do such at all to anyone but for Christ's sake)...when the brits, dutch and whoever else from europe was there, stealing our land and people, we instead took their stupid religions and condemnation of our cultures, closed our eyes and prayed for better days...now, when inflation takes hold or things aren't quite as we like, we decide to blame our fellow black man, based on his 'foreignness' or different tribe or ethnic group membership (for those who hate the term tribe)...but blame is not it...we take it a step further and start killing them...i have never had a desire to go to south africa...my first trip was to be the world cup to be held in 2010...i don't know if i still want to go...i should even write to fifa to move it from south africa...they are not the worst, but this is just too much...the savagery-i hate to use this term when speaking about anything concerning africa...but that is what it is-they have shown to their neighbors living in their country is not to be ignored...and it is just now that the government is sending troops to address the violence?...south africa...the south africa!...*shakes my head*...and here i was thinking that the us and other european countries were fools for trying to 'secure their borders from illegal aliens' or trying to send 'home' the 'illegal aliens'...stupid me...forgetting that we africans can be just as stupid if not more so!...even repeating the same excuses against the immigrants-they bring crime, they drive wages down, etc...kai...the kind of torture they are doling out...ehn...its like reading half of a yellow sun again, when igbos were being slaughtered for being igbo...

...and go to naija where it is believed that 43 naija soldiers were killed...how? you ask...in a road accident of all things...with a petrol tanker...it was said that visibility was bad...a fire ensued and everyone died...it is said that the soldiers were returning from a peacekeeping mission in sudan's darfur...while fuck-boy yard-head and friends are running abroad for health care and God knows what else, our roads aren't even safe enough for soldiers to travel along...what kind of fuckery?!!!...my God!!!...the senseless loss of life is overwhelming...

...i was wearing bright colors...i will don black for those who continue to lose their lives in darfur, the congo, the horn (ethiopia, somalia, eritrea), zimbabwe, mozambique, kenya and south africa...isn't this weekend memorial day weekend in the us?...as we sit happy happy, thanking God that such fuckery isn't happening in our burg, we better think again and remember how quickly mob mentality takes hold and people who just yesterday were eating dinner at your house can tomorrow be the one leading 'their people' to your house, machete in hand...shei, it can even be your own relative...even as i hope to create a world in which people can freely and shamelessly express themselves as the sexual beings they are, i too must work towards creating a world where we are more accepting and loving towards cultures/ideas/manners/etc that differ from our own...notice i don't say tolerate...don't tolerate me please...na pedestal you dey sit?...you're not my judge...i am not yours...there is no tolerating to be done...accept, love and keep it moving...

...still playing catch up!...

2008-05-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

...been busy writing and writing...don't ask what i've been writing...just know that's what i've been doing...and babysitting the nephew...got to attend an event hosted by a liberian org on saturday...i'll blog about the org later...just wanted to comment on the interesting manner in which liberians speak english...they have a very interesting rhythm with which they speak....well, interesting to me...i was telling a friend that the experience at the event was a little weird because they kept referring to me as the press/journalist (i was there to cover the event for the magazine i write for)...i still think of myself as a social scientist/researcher/public health person...so it was weird to be referred as something else so far removed from what i formally studied...

...something about the weekend was super...uplifting...inspiring...not sure which word to use...may have been the event...or that the moon was filling out;)...but as i drove home, window down letting in the warm air, listening to asa sing (i still listen to that cd on a daily basis!!...can you imagine?) and singing along with her, i just felt gleeful...it had been a good day and evening...i was thinking, 'would be nice to go out dancing tonight'...but i doubted it would happen...

...lo and behold, i got home and a great friend of mine texted me: 'dancing tonight?'...i had just changed and settled in for a long night typing...i quickly responded yes and hopped up to change...i threw on some tube top thing, a mini-skirt (even after reading naapali's last few posts about 2p...haha), some heels and light jewelry and was out the door...we went to some club where they played reggae, soca, punta and some hip-hop...it was me, my friend that we'll call trina, her boyfriend and another friend i hadn't seen in a while, we'll call ciana...i forget how smooth my friend's boyfriend is...the guess doesn't look like it, but he can dance!!!...i kept telling her that if he wasn't her boyfriend, i sooo would have snatched him up to dance with...i don't check for him to be soo smooth and dance so well maybe because he looks quiet and is bangladeshi-not saying they don't dance, its just that i don't usually associate such dancing with them...fun night...danced till my knees hurt and then some...gotta learn how to dance that punta (i think that's what it was)...man...those belizeans girls have some interesting way of juggling/winding their hips and butts that is crazy!...i can juggle and twist and wind mine, but these girls at the club did it a little different...it almost looked like they really weren't moving anything but their asses...my friend hypothesized that it had to do with the size of one's ass...i don't agree...one girl was so good, although she was facing you, you could still see her ass moving...i kindly stepped off the dance floor and just watched...i can dance punta, but these were pros!!!!...haha...anyway, i will know how to move it like them next time:)...and isn't it crazy how songs, across the board, will have a certain beat that lets everyone know that this is the song that you are going to be popping/twisting/winding your ass to?...haha...

...but seriously, what is it with guys asking, 'where'd you learn to dance like that?'...is this a serious question?...are they really trying to know where i learned?...and honestly, are people taking lessons to learn how to dance to dancehall?...and what do they expect you to say?...i'm black and african for Christ sake!!...i better know how to dance to anything, right?!;)...a togolese guy asked me in dc where i learned to dance soukous...i told him my mom (i really did learn from her...shei she can jam o!!!...her and the soukous videos...haha)...he proceeded to tell me that i dance well...did he really need to know where i learned from?...granted, i think he was shocked that i could dance so well having been born and raised in the us-his words-but still...then the guy at the club saturday night asked me...this time, i just shrugged...then he asked me again...what the f*ck?!...i dunno...i just dance as the music inspires me fool!!!...for the dudes, when you ask that question, are you seriously asking and what response are you looking for?...'yeah, i learned this move f*cking my boyfriend last night'?...or, 'i get it from my mama'?...

...anyway, as the title says, i must run along and try to catch up...

...a new week...

2008-05-12T23:23:00.000-07:00

...last week, it poured [not literally...you know how they say when it rains it pours?...well, it didn't bother raining...it just started pouring, then hailing then pouring and then just stopped]...from monday to sunday morning...it was an emotionally, spiritually and physically draining week, spent mostly in the hospital or on the road to or returning from the hospital...very intense!!!...without delving back into the gloom and melancholy of last week, we give praises to the most high/allah/god/universe/creator/jehovah/jah/etc. for bringing us to another week, family and health intact, lessons learned and accepted...

...finally made it to the mami wata exhibition with a friend...we spent a good deal of time talking and catching up so i will have to visit again...but i did buy the accompanying book because it was unusually cheap...those books are usually like $50.00 plus...this one was only $25.00 and includes all the pieces, minus the video footage, and written information...super stoked to read it...as i have already said, i am highly fascinated with mami wata...my dad says that next time we venture to nigeria, he'll take me to his village and i can visit the mami wata...i asked him, 'won't they do something to me?'...he said they wouldn't if i didn't ask too many questions...ha!!!...me, not ask a lot of questions?...that's like asking women not to gossip...or a glutton not to overindulge...yeah right!!...if i manage to stage some photo shoots, mami wata will def be the muse;)...that thing is sooo interesting...i think i envy its ability to be so enticing and desirable by men, while envied or secretly admired by women, feared by all and not vulnerable to falling in love...i'll leave it at that...

...i've always wondered why people think that spelling africa as 'afrika' somehow distinguishes it as more authentic or 'african'...as if...did we name ourselves africa in the first place?...and exactly how does the substitution of the c with a k change it?...it seems similar to the whole nigger to nigga argument...although, i've never asked anyone who does this whole afrikan thing...it does make me roll my eyes when i see it...i immediately assume that the person doing such is one of 'those kind'...whoever can explain this substituting of c with k to me, i give you small prize/gift [i am purposefully omitting the will that should come after i and the a that should follow the you]...emphasis should be placed on the 'small'...;)...

...went shopping!!!...its been a long time and i didn't really do any real damage...just bought a couple jeans and bracelet from bebe...but it made me happy and i can't wait to go shopping again...i especially want an alek wek bag...i saw one that i have been craving since i first heard that she was making bags, on sale on her site for $150.00...i quickly started rationalizing how and why i needed it-for school of course and i'd rather spend such an amount on a bag by an african as opposed to coach or louis vuitton [i don't particularly like them, although my bro did buy me a superb coach bag for the christmas that just passed]-and was crunching numbers in my head, fingers poised to type in debit card numbers when little sis came and saved the day by reminding me that i needed to be saving money for my move...unless i returned the jeans and bracelet, i couldn't buy the bag;(...so, i am still alek wek bagless, for now...but soon come...

...the week has started, i am behind like no one's business and knackered already!!!...off to burn the midnight oil and read folks' blogs!...naijalines, don't worry o...i have not forgotten...give me some time to recharge or gallivant a little so i can give you and your mister a good one to go, uh, explore...

...o sexo sem vergonha...continued again...

2008-04-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

...she moaned loudly as she thrust her ass and hips backwards to meet his thrust…“yes” and “deeper” escaped her slightly parted lips as she emulated the women she’d seen on countless pornos, courtesy of her cousin’s collection…she had accidentally stumbled upon him and his friends watching them one day…for her silence, they allowed her to watch with them…she’d watched them everyday afterwards, sometimes accompanied by the boys but mostly alone…in the twelve years since she’d been watching, she’d seen a variety and had a few favorites, which she’d used to inspire her own sexcapades…

…she continued to moan and purr out other obscenities and sex talk as he thrust deep inside her…she gripped the bed post tighter as his thrusts quickened and became less delicate…she increased her efforts to meet his frenzied thrusts…she felt him start to shudder and jerk inside her…she too began to shudder and convulse her body, releasing ecstatic moans she’d been practicing…he came and she pretended to come…it didn’t set in yet that she could become pregnant, as they had not used a condom…he’d convinced her that they didn’t need one as she’d claimed virginity and he’d said he was too…he also mentioned that he preferred bare backing…she’d forgotten to ask how he knew his preference if this was truly his first time…anyway, this was how it was done in the pornos…

…she excused herself and went to the bathroom…she closed the door and stood there, unsure of what to do…she’d seen a few girls go into the bathroom after sex in the pornos, but they hadn’t shown what the girls had done once inside…she flushed the toilet, ran the faucet for a few seconds, then opened the door and exited the bathroom…she froze in the doorway as she wasn’t sure what to do next…the pornos usually cut off at that point…

…upon hearing the bathroom door open, he had walked to the bathroom…he asked her to step aside so he could gain entrance to the bathroom…she asked him to wait as she wasn’t sure if this was the manner in which things should proceed…he wrinkled his forehead in confusion and slight agitation…

…“what are you talking about?...this isn’t some scripted something or other…i need to use the bathroom so, kindly step aside…you can ponder whatever you are pondering, on the side of the bathroom.”…she shook her head…she was resolved to determining the next sequence of events before anything else happened…she feverishly racked her brain, trying to conjure the image of one which had gone a little further in its storytelling…

…“look, move please!...i’m asking nicely…i don’t want to have to move you…i don’t think you want me to either.”…she shook her head…

…“just allow me to figure this out.”…

…“figure out what?...what are you talking about?…i need to use the bathroom!...get out of my way!”…

…“calm down…i can’t concentrate when you are yelling at me.”…she was oblivious to his mounting anger and had not bore witness to him in a fit of rage…all she could focus on were the pornos running through her head…he was thoroughly annoyed at this point, all his cool replaced by a lava hot ire…

…“why don’t you just leave my house?!...i’m done with you anyway and there’s no need for you to be here!...since you don’t know how to act…get out!!”…he pointed in the direction of the door for emphasis…she plugged her ears with her slender index fingers, closed her eyes, concentration distorting her small and delicate facial features…this further infuriated him and he discarded the gentlemanly mantle he had been trying desperately to hold onto….

…“get the fuck out!” he screamed as he tried to pull her finger out of her right ear…she proved stronger, insisting on keeping her finger as the line of defence against his offensive words…he continued to yell obscenities at her, trying more ineffectively to make her hear his abuses…she was concerned as this never transpired in the pornos she had seen…maybe he watched different ones altogether…maybe from other countries as his behavior struck her as rather foreign indeed…she exerted more force to keep her fingers in place as he had now resorted to pulling on both her arms…somehow, she managed to resist him, vexing him into a very confused state…what sort of “wo-man” had he allowed into his home?...more distressing was that he had allowed himself to enter such…

…he stopped pulling on the arms which would leave her ears exposed to the insults he was hurling at her…he stared at her, her eyes closed tightly…his mouth, now drawn shut in a tight line, a throbbing vein making its way across his forehead, hazel pupils ablaze with rage and a flushed red face met her uncomfortably calm eyes…she searched his fury designed face and found no answers…she wondered briefly if maybe she was going against the sequence he had in his head…maybe she was supposed to step aside and allow him enter the bathroom, while she followed him in…then he could test her ability to hold her breath while demonstrating her leg and vaginal muscle strength…but she had never seen such…she raised one dainty hand to signal that he should just be patient…

…that was the last straw as his vision blurred, but not enough to interfere with him grasping her small wrist…he used the surprise of his attack and his force to push her aside…she fell on the floor just past the bathroom entrance…she instantly stretched her legs out, which he didn’t see as he started to walk forward…her shock at him having thrown her to the ground caused a fury to rise inside her, encouraging her to fight back…he tripped over her outstretched and kicking legs, falling backwards, away from the bathroom…she sat up as her legs struck him down, legs still outstretched…the thought of running entered her head…he was capable of anything if he could push her like he had, but her need to finish this out held her captive…

…“please stop fighting with me and allow me to just figure this…”…he had quickly recovered and was on his feet, staring menacingly down at her…

…“shut up!...shut up!...if you have any sense, you better get lost,” he snarled in a voice that sounded more like it belonged to a ravenous bear…she pulled her legs in for leverage as she attempted to stand up…he kicked her legs back out and pushed her down again...she looked up, confused…he had just told her to leave…she tried again to stand up, but he pushed her back onto the floor…

…“let me get up!” she screamed, fear creeping into her voice…

…“wait,” he retorted sarcastically…he sensed her fear…“i just need to figure out something.”…she looked into his wild and unfocused eyes, wondering what had been unleashed…she was at a loss for what to do…

…“i think you’re supposed to t…”

…“shut the fuck up…i’m in control of this show now…you obviously weren’t a good enough director were you?...now be quiet before Daddy has to hurt you.”…his voice had a disquieting calmness that did not match the anger creased face glaring down at her….he appeared to be contemplating what next to do with her…she again tried to slowly stand…this time he kicked her bare shin…she winced in pain and crumpled back to the floor….he seemed unfazed by her display of pain…as she writhed, trying to numb the searing pain racing up and down her leg, he had managed to slip away and back, with rope in his hands…her eyes were closed and she lay motionless as he slipped the first noose around her wrists…she opened her eyes to watch him tighten the knot around her now enslaved wrists…she thought the pain was impairing her ability to see and comprehend what was happening around her…

…she realized otherwise and kicked frantically as she felt him slip another noose around one ankle…he didn’t appreciate the kicking…he timed his blow precisely, plunging his bent elbow deep into the muscle of her thigh…she cried out, curled her injured leg closer to her and he managed to slip her second leg into the loop…he tightened that one and stood back to marvel at his work…

…“was this similar to what you’d had in mind?”…it took a moment for her to answer…

…“didn’t you have to use the bathroom?...maybe you can do that while I contemplate the resemblance of all this to what I had in mind.”…she too was able to lace her words with sarcasm…she hoped it helped disguise her bewilderment with the turn of events…she desperately wished a director would yell out “Cut!” allowing her time to attend to her bruised legs…how could the guy she had just made lo-, well no…they hadn’t made love…had that been her intention?...weren’t pornos about love or making love?...how she prayed in that moment for a strong painkiller to remove any unnecessary thinking or analysis…and pain…

…“oh yes…i did need to use the restroom.”…his delayed response brought her back from her mental excursion….

…“what?”...

…“you asked me about using the bathroom…i never did go…i think I will go now though…thanks for reminding me.”…he wore a sardonic smile and she soon understood why…he took his member in his hands and dashed all her hopes of an intimate urination session between himself and the toilet…she was to be his toilet…isn’t that what she had wanted all this time, he thought as he doused her entire length of naked flesh with the liquid remnants of the accumulated waste in his body…she curled up as much as she could to keep his urine from her face and her tightly closed eyes…he whistled ‘piss on you, piss on you’…

...there isn't really anyway part 1 or 2...this is a stand alone piece, but written in the same vein as the other o sexo vergonha pieces...

...follow your desires, not your fears...

2008-04-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

...ba here and ba there...ba=brutish airways-courtesy of nigerian curiosity...as i read comments here and there, i want to remind people of this statement i read in the most current issue of body and soul...follow your desires, not your fears...and its as simple as that...adopting this attitude will allow us to forge forward to bring about the changes we wish to see in our lives [although i am not advocating foolish and poorly planned adoption]...it is this following of desires which led those heroes to which we look to be able to stand for what they believed in despite the consequences [sankara, patrice lumumba, nkrumah, wangari, walter rodney, che, benazir bhutto, malcolm x, harriet tubman, mlk jr. and countless others] and seek to be the changes they wished to see...on the flip side, it is this same following of desires which allows corrupt leaders around the world to collect their people's money and stash in their bank accounts or spend lavishly on themselves...they don't allow fears of impeachment or imprisonment stop them [obasanjo, the bushes, uh, the us government, president of angola and countless others]...i do not advocate their activities...

...as we endeavor to take a stand in the name of justice and respect (specifically regarding action against ba), we mustn't allow fear and doubt to interrupt or dissuade us from our task...yes, fear and doubt are some sexy bitches...some might even argue that they are sexier than sasha;)...but, please, do not be fooled...sleeping with them will not guarantee the satisfaction they promise...nor will it induce any of the changes we so desire...i do believe that sexual encounters should be as close to divine as possible and very pleasurable, everytime...but, i digress...we can't worry about those nigerians that will continue to fly ba or who may even stand for the media and jig, blasting us and our actions...we can't allow fairweather activists (those who are only active and vocal during fair weather, when an issue is hawt and sexy) dictate changes in our action...i see nothing wrong with a lifetime ban on flying ba if they don't take appropriate action to redress this injustice...i'd rather have my dignity and ability to demand respect than enjoy some flight on ba...

...our actions or inactions now may very well be indicative of our dependability when it is time to be the agent of change elsewhere, in bigger battles...those now who can't fathom the slight inconvenience of cancelling and rebooking a flight or taking an earlier or later flight may not be the person we want to rely on to stay up late hours to fight against domestic violence, corruption, rape and sexual violence or worldwide attacks against people of color...those ruled by doubt and fear, i personally don't really want around me during this time...i used to mingle with fear and doubt-the male versions of course...no good...frankly, i prefer to die on my feet, fighting for what i believe in, no matter how minute it may seem to others, than to grovel on the ground on my knees, in the name of 'living'...please...my ancestors did not endure what they endured, no, even closer to home...my parents did not manage to survive the biafran war for me to come and start groveling and taking bullshit from any damn body!!!...i take the work done by those before very seriously...we must at all times believe in ourselves, our abilities and our power (thanks chike for reminding me)...we must strive to make sure we walk our talk, all the time...we can't keep waiting...we are who we've been waiting for indeed...

...that said, let us move forth with the boycott/petition signing/boycotting of all things related to ba (i would gladly serve as warrioress under your diplomatic, strategic and forward thinking leadership ssd-and i can't say that for many people)-whichever you have chosen as your action to demand respect and justice for yourself, fellow nigerians and ultimately other humans (it is not only nigerians they mistreat)...and it doen't have to be just this one action...there are more than enough things to get behind...find some, even locally, the unsung struggles and do something!!!...some of stood by quietly as hitler killed jewish people and other non-aryans...some of us stood by during genocide in rwanda...some of us still stand by as darfurians die daily...at least let us raise up and do something about this...let us be driven by our desires (be careful with the sexual ones though, and others that would lead to worthless destruction;) and not our fears...its sooo played out...let us not be the generation easily scared into submission and meekness...

...i just bought one of those large symphony chocolate bars earlier today...the creamy milk chocolate, almonds and toffee chips...the one that weighs 8oz, and has 50% more toffee...for most people, that bar would last some days...i have two rows left!!!...and they will be gone by this evening!!...i can't help it...i love chocolate...so hoola-hooping tonight to work that bar off!!!...

...tagged...

2008-04-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

...*clears throat loudly*...although i could have sworn they had banned this tagging thing, i, uh, was tagged by mp...so here we are friends...sad thing is that i don't possess any unspectacular quirks!!!...

...here are the rules:

...1. ...link the person who tagged you…
...2. ...mention the rules in your blog…
...3. ...tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours...
...4. ...tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
...5. ...leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged...

...1. ...i bite my nails uncontrollably when i am around people with bad energy/bad spirits or when something bad is about to happen...but this only happens in naija...i had an idea about the nail biting as a sign but one incident confirmed it for me...it was when i went with my mom to visit her father's house in the village...one of her relatives lives behind the house...the son came to speak to us...from their convo, gathered that mumsie didn't really like his mom...but he insisted that my mother should speak to his mother...he went and called his mom...mother comes out and is chatting with my mom...i start biting my fingernails...i bit from one finger to the next...my mom introduced me and we continued gisting...and i continued biting...literally, as soon as my mom said that we had to leave and i said bye and turned to walk towards the road, i stopped biting my nails and had no urge whatsoever to do so...it tripped the hell out of me...as we were driving, my mom was telling me the bad things that woman and her husband had done to the eldest son of the man (who is not the woman's child), a housegirl who they'd left for dead somewhere and other bad deeds to family members...

...2. ...i am not as symmetrical as i had hoped i was...one foot is bigger than the other...one eye is slightly more open than the other...one side of my lip is different from the other side...although i know this is normal, and most people suffer as such, it bothers me because i learned in life sciences 2 at ucla that the more symmetrical you are, the more beautiful you are deemed by others...its a subconscious thing, although i think i'm pretty aware of who is symmetrical;)...it bothers me for that reason because it takes away from my beauty quotient...haha...

...3. ...when i live in places where the laundry room is not part of the house/apartment itself, i often try to hold off on washing laundry until i have only two or three clean panties left...that indicates that i need to wash...not the fact that i am low on clothes to wear...as you can imagine, clothes start to pile up as i keep a large stash of panties...i love them [panties]!!!...

...4. ...i often wear my braids too long...my baby sis likes to tease me by saying, 'you're not supposed to wear braids for a year!'...i don't wear them that long...but i do let them go for a while...the ones i got done in naija in december, are still in...albeit, i did redo all of them myself in march or late feb...but those are still in and they clearly need to be taken down...

...5. ...i think i'm most horny right before and right after my period...and even during...

...6. ...i have this way of mimicing things...its usually something someone says or does that i find odd, interesting, annoying, clever, witty, essentially, just different...sometimes i am aware that i am mimicing them...i'll practice the way they said something or the phrase over and over..and then it will just slip into my speech...i had a friend that used to call everyone a precious lamb...i picked it up and started doing it to the point that people thought that i had conjured it up...another friend of mine had this way of saying 'clearly' when someone said something hella obvious or asked an obvious question...i loved it and started doing it...i actually still do that...sometimes its unconscious and when it comes out, even i am shocked...i mimic accents, phrases, body movements and gestures...even writing styles!...the way i write now is in part because i loved the way this kid in my junior high classes wrote...so i decided that i too wanted to write small like him...mine of course was shaped by who i am and growing up and has changed significantly, but at the time was damn close to his...

...done...i tag the following people:

naijalines, ablackjamesbond, afroliciousbabe, desy, jinta and zephi...

...on an off note, can i just say that adichie is amazing!!!...i picked up half of a yellow sun to read yesterday evening (tuesday night)...read until my eyes hurt and begged to be closed...quickly opened them in the morning to finish reading...what a read...i cried...its so sad to think of what we do to each other in the name of so-called differences...but also inspiring to read how people keep hope alive and continue to live in spite of the impossible or after having experienced the worst of atrocities...i had heard bits and pieces about the war from my parents, but not enough...that's why i wish i had spent time with the grandparents because they usually give the grandchildren this type of important gist...but adichie does a good job of laying it out...if you have a chance, read it...lots of sex too:)...she's quite the writer...am exhausted from all this cerebral work...

...yard-head, come back from germany and put this health sector in order o!!!...

2008-04-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

it's earth day today...i wanted to write a nice little post celebrating the wonderful earth and all that she provides for us on a regular basis and how we really should do more to take better care of her...shei, i even wanted to dedicate a song to mama earth...

...then i checked my email and found this letter written to yard-head (yar'adua-president of nigeria)...the letter is a nicely written appeal, if you will, to yard-head to come back and put the health sector in order...how audacious of him!!...i see his insistence on traveling to germany (who pays for that plane ticket to germany?) for health care as a spit in the face of all nigerians living in naija...uh, and abroad too...instead of sitting down and really trying to find a way to fix our health care system so he too can use the system without fear, he continues to ignore it and travel...what are the rest of the nigerians supposed to do?...just die?...i guess so!!...what sort of a leader is that?...i am sorry...it is just one thing, but for me, it speaks volumes!!...i can't respect a leader who openly flaunts his exalted or maybe its a privileged position...no, its the fact that he's spitting in my afang soup right now...may i never lead like that!!!...others are praying for him...i am not!...i will reserve my prayers for those at home who must endure whatever services are available, the doctors who must decide whether to strike because they haven't been paid in months or even adequately, the doctors who must watch another patient die in theatre because nepa or whatever they are called have taken light again...i pray for those who have been able to learn the plants enough to provide their own healthcare from their garden or surrounding environment...

...while i was in naija in december, hanging out in calabar, one of my cousin's many fine friends was pointing out to me parliament members...he was distinguishing for me which ones were from cross river state vs the ones from akwa ibom state...you knew how he could distinguish those from cross river vs those from outside cross river?...by the tint on the window of the car they drove, whether they drove or not and when they got out of the car, who accompanied them...the ones from cross river drove themselves, had tint that allowed you to still see inside the car and they didn't have guards walking around with them...there were no big airs or shows for them...they moved about as everybody else, save for the fact maybe that they were driving a range rover...and i could hear the respect in the friend's voice for the cross riverian leaders vs the akwa ibomites who felt the need to make sure everyone knew they were at an elevated status...mr. yard-head, maybe you should take notes...i can't understand a leader who doesn't feel ashamed that he must travel to germany for health care while he does nothing to improve the system at home...the only prayer i can fathom for him is that upon landing, he suddenly be struck with the plan for how to improve the health care sector as well as how to fund it...

...i am praying now and asking you to hold me to it o!!!...if i am ever to become leader/head of anything, that i will be able to forego some of the finer things which i must admit i crave and adore, so as not to be living above my constituents and spitting in their faces...please allow me to drive my own car so that i can experience what it is like to drive on roads speckled with treacherous potholes, or try to maneuver around one as i look into the speeding lights of oncoming traffic or try to focus on not hitting the slowing car in front of me while i try and gaze over at the dead bodies littering the road after a fatal road accident (and no ambulance in sight)...please do not allow me to be able to hop on a plane and travel to canada for free healthcare...instead, make me have to visit the local hospitals for my own care or the care of my child, so i can see what it is like to have a doctor tell you he can't properly diagnose the problem because the equipment needed doesn't work anymore or to have to hear the pharmacist tell me that the drug i need is no longer available because it must be refrigerated at all times and light was taken for thirteen hours yesterday...or allow me to have to stand outside while i am in labor because the closest maternity ward to my house only has four beds, which are also occupied by women delivering and i am still too far away (dilation wise) from actual delivery...please allow me to have a bank account in a local back so i can know what its like to go to withdraw my money and they tell me i must wait until next week because there is no money...or that i must come back because armed robbers have come and stolen all the money...

...maybe i will write the german embassy and ask them to do the rest of nigeria a favor by not allowing yard-head to come for healthcare, as it detracts from his ability to focus on ensuring that all nigerians enjoy their human right to healthcare...they say: weil es um lhre gesundheit geht...meaning: because your health matters...well, it doesn't to yard-head...he must learn why our health should matter to him...don't mind my rantings...go celebrate earth day...give praises for this place that we call home and challenge yourself to take better care of her...

...attempted murder?...

2008-04-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

...anonymous gal brought up the issue of hiv/aids and disclosure of hiv status in naija...in a country that claims to be so moral-hence their refusal to legalize or improve the conditions under which women get abortions [i guess if a woman is willing to kill her unborn child, who cares what happens to her huh?]-it didn't think about the implications of not making it mandatory to disclose one's hiv status, especially in a country with such gross gender inequalities (although the other problem would be one of enforcement anyway)...ok...on one hand, someone says, 'if you make it mandatory to disclose your hiv status, people just won't get tested'...valid point indeed as similar problems are faced here in the us...although, with all the other problems which are associated with hiv/aids and knowledge of status (discrimination, stigma, fear, access to medicines, etc.), i am not so sure that making disclosure of status to spouse or potential spouses alone would really halt hiv testing...but, lets do some research before we draw any conclusions...i just wonder though...if a woman had been tested and found to be hiv positive and everyone knew her to be sleeping around without a condom, or better yet, let's make her a sex worker, i wonder if people would just tsk-tsk her for not disclosing her status and pray for the men she sleeps with...or if surely someone wouldn't tip the police off...but in the case of men refusing to tell their spouse and lovers, we just tsk them, with our hands tied behind our backs...

...i keep wondering why...isn't it lightweight attempted murder (and granted that's pretty loaded and assumes all sorts of bad intentions of the person...but bear with me)?...even with hippa or hiipa (whatever the spelling of the medical records confidentiality act) in the us i always wonder who we are protecting...granted, again, i sympathize with the dilemma one finds oneself in when diagnosed as hiv positive...as a world society, we still have a looooong way to go with regards to adequately addressing the stigma and miseducation surrounding hiv/aids...but, if i knew that my friend's husband had bought a gun with the intention of killing her, wouldn't i tell her?...or, as a nurse in a hospital, if i somehow caught wind of a woman's plan to smother her baby to death to collect insurance, wouldn't i do something to alert the proper authorities of the impending attempt to murder?...but with hiv/aids, i guess its different?...i'm not advocating forcing someone to inform their work or housing or even local restaurant of their status...but the person they are sleeping with does have a right to know, right?...especially as there is yet no cure for this disease...couldn't it lightweight be misconstrued as attempted murder?...you knowingly going around and interacting in a way that we know without a shadow of a doubt to be the way in which hiv/aids is transmitted and not telling the people you are interacting with?...

...complex issue, but there must be some way in which to address this in a way that is win-win for all involved...any suggestions/ideas?...

...a little on matching action with words...

2008-04-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

...dear universe/God...

...this year is a new year...one pregnant with infinite possibilities...i will seek out mine and capitalize on them...blah, blah, blah...i want to have options for my life...whether that means i get several job options and/or get into a couple different schools, please...blah, blah, blah...thanks universe/God...kisses....

...that was an excerpt from my prayer earlier this year...i forgot when making my requests that i have a long-standing relationship with universe/God in which, i usually get what i ask for...just on a time schedule completely different from my own...and i like to pretend that i control things completely...it can a bit frustrating when reminded that i don't, completely...anyway, the way i had planned it, the options were to start rolling in march and i would have to seriously decide by april/may...and i had all but given up on the school bit as i had only applied for one program and a bit haphazardly (but well o...don't want people thinking i threw some nonsense papers together and sent it off;)...so i was thinking it would be a bunch of job offers...

...then, as you all know, i got into ucsf...prior to that though, i had finally caved into this whole networking thing and tapped one of my contacts who happened to know the right people at an org i was thinking of applying to...although it would be paying significantly less than what i ever would have imagined taking, it was with an org doing good work and had much potential for growth, especially internationally...the more i learned about the job, the more i questioned going to school...after almost a year (shy of a year by about a month!!) of job hunting, i finally get an offer, when i don't really need the job (because i have decided to go back to school!)...so i had to decide what to do this weekend...because i do need a summer gig (see money)...

...options were to take said job and quit when time for school (did not feel good at all about that option for many reasons-bad karma, wouldn't want someone to do that to me, the hiring staff had stressed that they were looking for someone long term, it would be a waste of their resources to train/orient me, etc.); try to delay school for a year or so (still not good because of some of the aforementioned reasons and that i was not guaranteed admission later on); make up some reason for declining the job ( hard because i didn't want them to know that i had already known about school during the interview process) or tell them the truth (mostly)...i debated back and forth about what to do...a friend finally gave me the insight i needed...

...as i talked to him about the whole former minister of health rubbish (i was really disappointed with that whole situation), he pointed out that NOW was the time to start practicing/fine tuning those characteristics/traits in me that would allow me to withstand corruption if i were ever to become minister of health (when n.i.m.m.o. becomes president of naija-myself and nneoma can share the post!) or head of any org/agency...if i wanted to conduct myself with integrity and foster a culture of truth and accountability with those i work with, i had to do so in ALL aspects of my life...he was right...otherwise, how much better was i than those folks i blogged about in my last post and others?...

...so i heeded my friend's advice and emailed and called the man this morning and explained the situation to him...he congratulated me...my friend had suggested that i inform them that i would be available for some short term/consultant type work...i did...when i spoke with the man who would have been my boss, he brought that up and asked me more about that and said he would be in touch!!!...joy!!...i may still get to do some work with them and make a little money...but more importantly, i was able to move forward without burning any bridges and with a door still open...(and this particular friend of mine will wonder why i text him saying that he's awesome...shei he's awesome!!)...i'm thrilled and relieved about that...and really blessed to have people in my life that hold me accountable and challenge me to live the life i expect of myself and others, the life i preach that people should live, a life where my actions match my words...timely message and way to start the week!...

...my brother's team managed to beat the los angeles galaxy despite sometimes troublesome refereeing (penalty kick which i didn't think should have been a penalty and no calls for obvious fouls committed by beckham [i love him and all but if he fouls, he should be called o!])...that his team is interesting...they had some moments towards the end when the play was nice and beautiful to watch...people that like to criticize beckham should leave the man o...i thought he played well, played some superb balls, accurate and on the mark passes and had a shot at the end that left the tfc fans (myself included) whispering silent prayers for the width of the shot, for surely had it been on target, the score would have been 3-3...it was nice to be at the game, with all the cheering fans and their energy, seriously hot sun (it felt like summer o!!!...twas 102 degrees...thank God we sat in the shade) and to eat with my brother afterwards...nice way to spend sunday afternoon...

...they are having an exhibition on mami wata at my alma mater (ucla), in a museum that i used to frequent for various events...i am thoroughly excited and hope to go this week or weekend...i'll probably visit the exhibition several times as i hope to soak in as much as i can so i will know how to ask questions when i go home next time...off to write dialogue...

...uh, the communal moral compass please...

2008-04-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

...it appears that the divine powers have deemed that monday and thursday i must blog ehn...so it is thursday....

...i read nneoma's blog post about her suggestion for the new nigerian minister of health...then i read the afrobeat's post on abortion...both rather interesting reads...it made me remember something that has always plagued me, especially while i was in school and heavily involved in community work-program planning, delivery of services...i have this sinking feeling that a lot of the social ills we have today are as a result of leaders who are unable to put aside their personal beliefs for the good of the people...and we could get into a whole philosophical debate about what defines the 'good' of the people, how that is determined, what if you know the detriment it can cause and on and on...i won't attempt to touch that debate today as i have other things to conquer after this post...let me try to illustrate my point...

...some senator/elected official in southern california used to be adamantly against homosexual/gay (i no longer even know the politically correct and unoffensive term) marriages/unions...he probably used some rhetoric regarding the bible, christianity, God and the sanctity of marriage...lo and behold, his daughter 'revealed' her homosexuality and desire to be able to marry/be in union with her partner and now daddy finally 'gets it' and starts endorsing gay/homosexual marriages/unions...so he was so unempathetic before that he could not extrapolate and feel for the many gay/homosexual couples who may desire to legally pronounce their committment to their partner and reap the benefits of such a union?...give me a break...if you really believe in God and your so-called practice of christianity, why not allow God to deal with the people who you have deemed to be sinning?...especially if we are all supposed to be sinners and all sins are equal?...i digress...

...program planning for a community...the health educators sit around trying to decide what topics to present in workshop/discussion form...some of the topics thrown out for discussion include: obesity, diabetes, exercise, sexual and reproductive health, nutrition, cardiovascular disease and road safety...obesity, exercise and nutrition are eliminated because one of the program planners is obese herself and wouldn't feel comfortable having those topics discussed because she feels it would be directed at her...(the f*ck?!!...)...then program planner b decides she doesn't want to talk about sex with the community members because she doesn't like talking about sex and was raped as a child (maybe you don't need to be involved in this venture or go get some counseling...)...so a community plagued with obesity, stds, hiv/aids, teenage pregnancy, high infant mortality, malnutrition, diabetes and cardiovascular disease will have a series of discussions/workshops on diabetes, cardiovascular disease, sickle cell anemia, health literacy and road safety...and then the program planners and funders will sit around scratching their asses and heads (although i sometimes can't tell them apart) wondering why there have been no changes in the statistics...

...a student creates a grant for a class assignment...she is asking for funding for a program to address hiv/aids in zimbabwe...her literature search and preliminary research uncovers that many of the young girls are getting hiv/aids from their older sugar daddies...they say they sleep with them, unprotectedly because the men give them money for their school fees, room and board and clothes...they also demonstrate their knowledge of protective behavior but feel they can not ask the men to use condoms...the brilliant idea this feminist student developed to address the above issues-teach the girls how hiv/aids is transmitted and that they should ask their partners to use condoms, (because 'clearly these women aren't empowered in the way i deem correct'-explained the student)...what the f*ck didn't you understand about the underlying causes?...it had nothing to do with lack of education...nope, but that kind of dumbass program will get funded because that is what the 'experts' and funders are comfortable addressing...and in this same okie-doke manner...great...

...the history teacher doesn't like the fact that the history book states that the majority of africans were enslaved through europeans stealing people away from their families under the cloak of darkness...the teacher doesn't use the book for that part of history and instead decides to use his/her notes, where responsibility for the entire transatlantic slave trade is carried on the heads of the africans...

...an anti-example if you will...this story inspires me everyday...a well-known researcher (indian man whose name is of course going to escape me now that i need it-nneoma, do you know who i'm talking about?) and his wife moved back to india, a rural area, to do some research...they initially identified that this population of people demonstrated the sickle cell trait-never before seen/noted in this population of people...the man and his wife were elated as they could envision the prizes, awards, funding and notoriety they would garner with this discovery...they quickly went to the community leaders to mobilize the community around this research...the community leader congratulated them but told him he knew not what he spoke of and would NOT assist him...he would, however assist the researcher and his wife if they addressed the more pressing issue to the community members-infant mortality...this immediately dashed all the aforementioned visions...the couple humbly accepted to address the issue the community was most interested in (they obviously still got much acclaim as they were presenting their info at many conferences, including this particular talk i attended at care in atlanta)...that's what you are supposed to do...

...now, in all cases, it is not bad to insert your better judgement...but too many times, i have noticed that people interject too much of their personal beliefs and views into work that should not be plagued with such...imagine not being able to ask your doctor questions about sexual intercourse because he/she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about any sex outside of the missionary position?...okay, maybe that would only bother myself and afrobabe...uh...you can't discuss your eating habits with your doctor because he/she is vegetarian and doesn't 'like' to hear anything about eating meat...or they only advocate/discuss healthy eating as if you are vegetarian, eventhough you have told them countless times that you are not...how annoying would that be?...you are there to do what is best for me, not necessarily based on what YOU would do....i don't care!!!!...if i say that i want an epidural, unless it will cause my baby and i to die, give it to me dammit!!!...i don't care if you think births should be natural...go have your own natural birth!!!!....mind you, i believe in natural births o!!!...it frustrates me to see people suffering, risking their lives and not getting the services they need because YOUR religion or YOUR beliefs or YOUR dogma or YOUR philosophy dictates otherwise...go do other work that does not entail you having to make decisions which affect the lives of millions of people...your moral compass is not my moral compass and should not impinge upon mine-and of course, there are always exceptions...

...if your moral compass dictates that money is more important than truly advancing the black cause in the us, please don't be a civil rights leader...if your moral compass dictates that you must cover every bit of your body, please don't go and ask for an appointment in the ministry of fashion and clothes (i just made that one up)...i don't care for contraceptives-these so-called modern ones like the pill, iuds, etc.-but dammit, if i gain employment doing just that-promoting contraceptives, shei i will, as objectively as possible...because you do your job does not always mean that you condone it...hmmmnnnn...i think i may be contradicting myself here...i feel some philosophical debate brewing upstairs...your insights, thoughts?...

...world malaria day-april 25...

2008-04-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

...in case you were wondering which day to celebrate the carnage malaria leaves throughout africa...i got an email imploring me to visit the following website :http://www.nothingbutnets.net/its-easy-to-help/wmd ...the un foundation is hosting something they call 'nothing but nets' in an effort to raise money to buy mosquito nets to send to africa to help in malaria prevention...on the website, you play some online game and give your email address and voila, a $10 net is sent somewhere in africa...dunno where or if they tell you on the site as i haven't had time to visit the site...

...i applaud the effort...its emphasis on preventing malaria and the seeming ease with which people can participate is wonderful...i've just begun to wonder if this-mosquito nets-is the 'sustainable', 'modern' and 'most effective' solution to the problem of malaria in countries which missed out on the DDT sprays which rid the us, southern italy and other countries i am forgetting now of the mosquito species that transmits malaria...am i and others to look forward to a future spent in slumber surrounded by some mosquito repelling net?...forever?...(although while in ghana and naija, i never slept under any net...and maybe as a consequence, i was constantly reminded that i could get malaria...and as i refused to take the malaria pills, i heard this threat of sorts more than was necessary...and of course, in ghana, my friend got malaria...but living is different from visiting...)

...i just can't fathom that with all the 'technology' available, the only option in the fight to prevent malaria are some bed nets...what happens on those nights when you spend a larger portion of the night outside the protective cloak of the net?...or will i and my family be relegated to a life of smelling of mosquito repellent in the evening hours, our skin subject to whatever chemicals lurk in mosquito repellents?...

...as an aspiring environmentalist, i do understand why it is detrimental to the ecosystem to use ddt or to even propose extinguishing a species of an animal for the survival of humans...but i just find it difficult to believe that there hasn't been any alternative to this problem, especially as children and pregnant women-see women carrying the budding life of another human being-are most susceptible to death by malaria...imagine, in 2008, malaria is still causing people death!!!...

...sometimes my mind wanders to the what ifs...what if the us or western europe again began to be plagued by malaria?...would we have the rapid discovery of a new, less bothersome prevention and treatment method for malaria?...but we all know that even if the methods were developed, it would be so costly as to be out of reach for purchase by our governments...but then i get pissed because why should i even be thinking in terms of the west when we on the continent have people fully capable of addressing this issue...so, why aren't we?...i do not want anyone troubling me when i am pregnant to be sleeping under net because we still have not developed some new and improved method of addressing malaria...(this doesn't even speak of the complication of the problem with drug-resistant malaria all over the place)...

...i'll make time to go to the website and play along so that someone in need can get some net, while we fiddle out thumbs for something better...in other news today, i had a female student who had on serious high heels today...nothing wrong with wearing heels o!!...but she was in high school for Christ's sake...class, at that...why does she need to wear such high heels-they had to have been like 7 inches at least-to school?...and the worse part was that they were bright red and honestly resembled those that hookers/prostitutes/transvestite prostitutes in rio wear when they are 'working'...for the club, fine...even if she was in college, na betta...but high school?...i just stared for a moment and then looked away as i felt my face reacting...and then there was another student in the ap chemistry class who did not speak to a soul in the class...i mean not even 'excuse me' to a classmate...he never said anything!!!...and no one spoke to him...he did his assignment alone...turned it in...looked around...meticulously put his folder back into his backpack and then packed his lunch back in...then he pulled out his calculator and started playing (i am assuming since nowadays everything has some game function)...he made weird faces, but never spoke...i tried hard not to stare, but i couldn't help it...i kept wondering who or what that sort of student grows into...who does he become?...that annoyingly anal-retentive boss who is super rich but has the worst social skills imaginable?...or does he become that guy that runs into the neighborhood store and blows everyone up?...it was unnerving...or that super smart rich guy that lives alone of in the mountains and works from home?...or the pedophilic priest?...it worried me much...i dared not assume he had outside friends as he wasn't even texting as his classmates were...(i do not usually allow texting or cell phones for that matter when i sub, but their teacher allows them...i didn't want any wahala for my head o!!!)...

...congratulations, debauchery and wild fun is in order...

2008-04-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

...yes...your very own guerreiranigeriana has managed to get herself into a phd program!!...three cheers!!...hip, hip, hooray!!...i start in the fall and i will be studying medical anthropology!...i'm thoroughly excited...especially as you know i have been looking for a job in my specific field, to no avail...decided to apply to this program on a whim and hope that i would get in...it's a great program...for my thesis, i used this splendid book edited by the director of the program...so, i'm excited...trying to determine if i should stick with my initial dissertation idea (its pretty grandiose and may not be approved or may be difficult to find funding and drag out the dissertation writing process) or start developing a new one which would be specific to my dad's area in naija...we'll see...

...i think i need a vacation...before i start school...i have a friend who said he's willing to pay my roundtrip ticket to brasil...i haven't been in 5 years now and how i miss the place!!...it misses me too...;).but the responsible me says i should stay and work and save money for my move (i will be moving)...but i don't really feel like being all that responsible now...i just want to go kick up my feet, drink agua de cocos on the beach, write for my play, read, look at the men, play capoeira angola, sleep, swim, dance, party...just enjoy life before i have to buckle down and start reading and being serious about school or something like that...i think my mom wants to send me to london...no shakings here...i can def go there too...

...anyway...i have given you reason to go out and celebrate, be merry, drink like never before, flirt like crazy, basically act a fool...to celebrate my acceptance to a phd program...thanks dr. stephens for your letter of rec...i'm coming with a proper thank you...

...so, it's sex you say you wanted?...

2008-03-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

uh, my friend, who i'll refer to as cheeks, but he knows who he is, mentioned to me yesterday that i should, hmmnn...how to put this...put some effort into writing some thing on sex...afrobabealicious and desperate lady have been bugging for a sex piece...it's a lot easier to talk about sex in general or with your girlfriends....but to storytell, na a whole different beast...my feeble, and i do mean feeble attempt...read please, with 0 expectations;)...you can thank them for this rubbish post...

...she lay in the bed next to him...she was naked underneath the blanket, he, in his boxer briefs, was atop the blanket...she was always cold after sex...he slept off as she lay there looking at his back and the deep groove separating the left and right sides of his torso...she resisted the temptation to lick his back, knowing she would arouse him and she needed to leave...she rolled over gently and lifted her phone from the ground...it was 12:15pm...she'd doze a little and then wake up in 15 minutes...

...she gently rose from the bed and scanned the room for her clothes...bra, tank top, jeans...where were her panties?...she always struggled to find them...he had teased her about wearing such small panties...she gently lifted the covers and found them crumpled even smaller in the corner of the bed...she grabbed them and tiptoed across the carpet to the the bathroom...she closed the door and quickly 'cleaned' up as best she could...her mother would be meeting her when she returned home and she didn't want her mother smelling her, him and them together...

...fully dressed, she stepped out and walked over to the bed...it was 1:00pm exactly...she tapped him...

...'i'm leaving', she whispered...he rolled over and opened his eyes...

...'no...i don't want you to leave'...

...'i have to...i've already stayed too long...come walk me to the door'...he slowed rolled over and pulled her into him on the bed...she didn't resist...he kissed her lightly on the forehead and she closed her eyes...'come on baby, walk me to the door', so she wouldn't forget...he released her and she stood up...he stood up slowly...she grabbed her light jacket from his chair and put it on while slipping her feet into her shoes...they walked to the walkway just in front of the bathroom...he stopped...she turned and walked back to him...they were a few feet in front of the door and she wondered why he had stopped...she walked to him and hugged him, asking why he had stopped...

...'i don't want you to leave.'...she kissed him lightly on his lips, and felt him relax and submit, his head slightly rising...she trailed her lips down his chin and his head continued to rise, and she trail blazed down his neck, leaving small kisses behind...at his chest, she flicked her tongue ever slightly and licked a wet path to his nipple...she sucked and pulled on his nipple, flicked it with her tongue to his pleasure...she continued licking down his taut abdomen, in the more shallow groove...she reached right above his boxer briefs...she licked up and down his stomach as she used her hands to pull his boxer briefs down over his erect member...she trailed her hands up his legs to his butt, caressing and drawing small circles...she could feel his anticipation of entering her mouth...she wrapped her hands around the base of his shaft and hovered her mouth just over his tip, letting him feel the warmth of her mouth...she liked to tease him a little...

...she flicked her tongue lightly, almost as light as a spring breeze around the very tip...he tensed and squirmed...she licked down to where the tip meets the shaft and just underneath...she knew he liked when she licked there and he moaned to confirm...she finally took his tip in her mouth and sucked...slowly and then a little quicker and with a bit more force...he groaned in delight as she ran her fingers lightly across his abdomen...she trailed her hands down and back to his butt again as she sucked...she used her hands and pushed his butt forward, taking all of him in her mouth...he exhaled sharply and placed one of his hands on his head, the other one gripped the wall for leverage...she pushed him in and out of her mouth, slowly, then she picked up speed...she slowed as she felt him getting close to orgasm...she returned to the tip, slowly sucking and licking...she kissed the tip and stood up to hug him...he wrapped his arms around her...

...'i want to be inside you', he whispered...she looked up at him, from his chest...she had to go...it had been one when they had started walking to the door...she knew it would take anywhere from 6-7 hours to drive home, barring any traffic and that was not a given, especially at that time of day...

...'so, what do we do?'...he kissed her deeply and passionately...he carefully lowered her to the ground...she didn't resist, smiling to herself as he pulled her pants and panties off again...she kicked off her shoes as he stepped out of his lowered underwear...he entered her hungrily and thrust slowly...she responded, thrusting her hips to meet him...he thrust deeper and she purred into his ears...he thrust, swiveling his hips and she followed with hers...he rolled to his side, rolling her with him, and thrust again, deeper and faster....he was hitting a spot she liked and she moaned louder...'i love it...i love it' she panted...he slowed down, as he knew she need not cum...they'd cummed the first time in the bed...there would be no time for a shower for her and she'd need one...she kept pumping...'don't make me cum baby'...she slowed and stopped...he closed his eyes and she watched him as she often did when his eyes were closed...she picked up her phone which had fallen out of her jacket pocket...

...1:50pm...she almost lept up...'oh no!!...i have to go...i have to go!!!'...he opened his eyes...'what time is it?', he asked...she breathed, 'almost 2!'...she stood up, grabbed her pants and panties and dashed into the bathroom....she was quicker this time and was out of the bathroom in two minutes...she slipped into her shoes and wondered where he was...she walked back into the front room and found him in bed...

...'baby, please, how do i get on the freeway?'...

...'you don't know how to get on the freeway?' he chuckled, enjoying her torment...'why don't you just call your mom and tell her you'll bring the car back tomorrow...i'll pay for the extra day of the rental...spend the day with me'...

...'i can't...just tell me how to get on the freeway, please.'...

...'suddenly, i don't remember,' he laughed and watched her face as fear crept in and slightly obscured her small features...

...'you're so mean...fine...i'll, i'll just ask some man on the street...bye'...she turned and started walking to the door...he called her back when he heard her opening the door...he gave her instructions and then walked her to the door...he kissed her long and hard because closing the door and going back to bed...she ran the two blocks to her car...she unlocked the door and jumped in...it was 2:15pm...her car was due back at 8:00pm in a city 6-7 hours away!!...'shit' she cursed and started the car...

...don't waste those contraceptives!!...there are african women who desperately need them!!!!....

2008-03-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

...why is there such a big push to get african women on birth control?...excuse me...why is there such a huge push to get african women using modern methods of contraception, which include condoms, birth control pills, etc.?...they keep talking about the unmet need for spacing and limiting the number of children women have...and don't get me wrong...i think its more ideal to not have two children in the space of two years...and women should not be having 10 children, if and only if they don't want them (regardless of ability to pay for them-so poor people shouldn't have any children?...and not based on some scare of overpopulation...the italians and japanese are not having children so there is balance right?)...i'm just concerned about the west's sudden surge in interest in getting these africans on birth control...so much so, they'll give it for free...that def raises a red flag...

...as i sat in contraceptive security meetings in ghana, i was really appalled and further raised my concern level regarding this, er, campaign under the guise of improved access to sexual and reproductive health services...vasectomies and hysterectomies (essentially sterilization for men and women-see permanent and non-reversible methods) were being pushed right alongside condoms and the pill...that's scary to me!...as the foreign 'aid' orgs were trying to discuss how they could now start charging for the contraceptives that had originally been free, they ignored the community worker who pointed out that people would rather take their chances and get pregnant since it was free to be pregnant and deliver (antenatal care and delivery were free...although the thinking is flawed, it was the rationale some people were employing and has to be considered)...someone even dared to hint at the thought of now making pregnancy come with a price tag as well, so as to make the 'competition even'...as if we are not talking about human lives here...

...especially because as i carried out a pilot test for the ghanaian ministry of health, i realized that the majority of women i spoke to were not interested in contraceptives because they were actively trying to have children...our society has not yet moved to a place where children are not treasured and a mark of your arrival as a woman or man...shei you know 1 child is not enough o!...and because we are now hearing of stories of women in the us who were on the pill for a long time and are unable to conceive when they later tried...their inability to conceive has been linked to their extended pill use...with little african princesses now joining the rest of the world in early sexual debut, that means they would face similar risks...but no one is telling them that, just as no one told the women in the us (these were white women in the us o!!...if they didn't tell them, how much more african and other women from the 'global south'?)...and, as is often the case, those methods that have been abandoned in the us and europe are somehow still viable for the africans...

...watching the trends in the us, as more people start to question the safety of being on the pill so long (or insert method of choice here) and tend towards more natural methods of contraception, that must be doing something or sending some signal to those manufacturing these contraceptive methods...we all know what happened with the tobacco companies when folks started wising up in the us no?...when we think about the images that are now being sent to naija (movies, rife with sex and tv shows like big brother and other reality tv type shows where people are kissing, even lightweight raping folks on tv-all in a society where youth still don't really have anywhere to go to talk about sex) making sex before marriage and even before 18 cool, fashionable, modern, cultured, even a symbol of status, thus increasing the demand for modern contraceptives (because the 'voodoo/witch doctors' concoctions are still being condemned and lauded as ineffective), i have to wonder at the 'coincidence' of it all...granted, i do engage in a bit of conspiracy theory, but, this may not be so much that...

..they have been smart enough to link it to poverty alleviation and reducing maternal morbidity and mortality (lower birth rates and higher modern contraceptive usage) but again makes me wonder if it is truly by choice or by force...when you sit in meetings where people are discussing that the birth rate of 5.5 is still too high for poverty alleviation targets, i'm concerned because now it is no longer about women and men's choice of number and time to have children but some outside force...and when did this become such a pressing issue?...these connections between poverty or maternal morbidity/mortality and contraceptive use or birth rate been recent...what has been more recent though is the declining population growth in countries in europe (i'm sure if you didn't count minorities and immigrants in the us, the rate might be declining as well) and increase in the aging population in europe and us while the 'global south's' population is still very young (under 25 or so)...although aids, malaria, tb and a host of 'forgotten' diseases continue to do their best to ravage the continent and others in the 'global south', some countries have stepped up their efforts, thus birth rates remain high, and essentially, those motherf^ck*rs haven't stopped reproducing!!!...

...let's just go push modern contraceptives down their throats...be careful who we hire to go implement these programs or at least very mindful of their beliefs...

...funny enough, this is all during a time also when the continent is supposed to be focusing on improving and integrating traditional and herbal medicinal practices, which would include, you guessed friends...herbal and natural contraceptives...the continent has yet to truly 'explore' the rich landscape/fauna we have at our disposal which may hold answers/keys to natural or herbal contraceptives...i've warned some of my female cousins about contraceptives...they should insist on condoms in the meantime...

...in case you hadn't heard enough fuckery for the day, some african family has adopted britney's children...bwahahahahahaha...na lie...but wouldn't that be great?!...hahahaha...

...and they don't play as much as they used to...

2008-03-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

...i heard the innocent high pitched singing of a child outside my window...i wondered if the childish song was accompanied with play...i walked slowly to my window, praying...i allowed one eye, the stronger one, to survey the outside...yes...the father stood on the sidewalk watching his son meandering purposelessly on his bicycle and singing to his content...i smiled...at least he was able to still play...his parents aren't american...his would be the only one i'd hear...

...i remembered when we were younger too...my siblings and i...the five of us...two teachers' salary, with needy family at home competing for the limited resources meant that we got what was necessary and sometimes what we wanted...so the girls got barbie dolls and one of us got the car, but no accompanying extravagant dollhouse or the wardrobe...and our barbies didn't have the luxury of dating ken...they settled for their borrowed time with the g.i. joe officer back for short visits from the war going on in my brothers' room...sometimes, barbie was so desperate that she even dated the incredible hulk, he-man and even ninja turtles, depending on which sister and which brother was home...we created their dollhouses from milk crates and sewed their clothes ourselves, recycling our old clothes that didn't fit into the excess luggages packed for cousins in naija...

...i remember us venturing into our expansive backyard, full of vegetation, often dry in the scorching desert heat, pomegranate trees and my mother's garden in the corner, and transforming it into our little store, complete with out imaginary checkout stand...my sister and i would pretend to be church sisters 'bumping' into each other at the store...we would throw on our naija accents, borrowed from our parents and their friends, asking 'how you dey o?' and 'me, i go make afang soup tonight o...i hope they have the afang leaf'...soothing our marker colored brown babies...then we would pretend to be cooking, going to each other's house to borrow this spice or that palm oil...

...when we were confined to the indoors, we played school, school bus, church, board games and a plethora of other imagined games...i remember my youngest sister and my brothers watching westside story and then performing the whole musical much to my and my immediate junior sister's displeasure...that or them writing and performing their own music...i would close my door and crank up the volume of my jodeci, daydreaming about the lyrics...lol...and they were vivid daydreams...and although i listened to jodeci at such a young age, we were still 'child-like'...hell, i'm still childlike!...

...but children today, at least in the us, they don't play like they used...the grand majority of them do not venture outside, except to accompany mom or dad to the store to buy the newest play system or game or mcdonalds...if they own toys, the opportunities for even playing with the toys are eliminated as many toys today require that the child just press one button and then sit back and watch the toy do everything...for those 'fortunate' enough to come from families financially less endowed, they may actually venture outside to play basketball, soccer or baseball...or they may just stay inside watching bet, mtv or some other mind mushing waste of tv space...they no longer have to think when they play or be imaginative...

...some years later, in the classroom, you ask them what they are passionate about, and nothing...what's your favorite color?...i don't have one...what do you like to do?...watch tv...nothing is interesting to them and everything bores them...obviously not all...as i watch my friend with her children and the questions they ask and fun things they do, i know that they won't be so lackluster about life...ssd's children, as long as mommy and daddy continue as they are, won't end up sedentary non-thinking duds...but what about the rest whose parents work 80+ hour weeks and can't afford for anyone to stand outside and watch their children play?...or just forget it because some of them are just too big to even play anymore....schools have all but eliminated physical education and things like academic enrichment which allowed and encouraged youth to mentally play...

...it is not as safe to allow children to play out in the streets, i agree...with the increased numbers of sexual predators and hearing about the death of a youth who was struck by a car while skateboarding (and the coward driver drove off, leaving the youth to die), one can understand a parent's fear about their youth playing...but, even my super, hyper paranoid parents at least let us play in the backyard...and didn't buy us automated toys...is that elitist/classist of me to assume that everyone has access to houses with backyards?...i guess so...but what about the children around the world who manage to use bombshells to create new toys or play around the mass graves carved out in their former playgrounds, playing in spite of the chance of being blown to ashes over a difference in religious beliefs....

...'they don't even play anymore'...the documentary type film i'd like to shoot exploring this pathological pattern...i would really prefer that my children sit down making up and sharing metaphorical stories about sex than imagining what it would be like to shoot and kill all their classmates and teacher...at least if they act on their thoughts, we may get a baby or an std (boo to stds!!!!) as opposed to the senseless killing and traumatizations of youth and adults in a place that is supposed to be safe...i like to hope that by the time i have funding for such a venture, it will no longer be a valid point, but something tells me that is not the case...i can always hope though...

...God, can you send me d'banj for easter please?!...

2008-03-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

i'm supposed to be engaged in very serious writing right now...but i just don't feel like it...not that i don't want to write...i don't want to have to think about it, how best to say what was said (it was an interview)...i just want it to flow from my head and i just scramble to write it all down...at least at this moment in time...

...i finished purple hibiscus on friday...i started it tuesday night, although i told myself i should wait till the weekend when i would have time to nestle and read it all in one sitting...but, i couldn't...the anticipation was more than i could handle...i found myself waking in the middle of the night and stealing whole pages for greedy consumption before giving into the gravitational pull on my lids...i read that book every moment i had...i even tried to convince myself while driving that the traffic was sufficient enough to risk reading...fantabulous book!!!...she touched on so much...and without really even saying too much...phenomenal descriptions...i was sad it ended as i wanted to keep reading...so, i know what book i will be picking up from the bookstore very soon...yes o!...half of a yellow sun...been meaning to read icarus girl too...

...lighty-may God bless her all the time!!!...amen...that wonderful beam of light made my weekend...she sent me the beautiful gift of asa's whole album!!...shei, i haven't stopped playing it...i am officially seeking to learn yoruba...what a language!!!...kai, the girl can sing!!!...the music she uses...the flute!...i used to play the flute and what an instrument...her music really moves me...evokes a myriad of sentiments...i don't understand the yoruba but it still appeals to me...my friend thinks i'll end up with a yoruba dude because of my seeming obsession with the culture and language...i do know i'm crushing hard on this new cd and asa...not that i have any interest in her romantically or anything like that...but i do hold her in high esteem...pretty good after one cd...she's moving up closer to sade, who reigns supreme in my book!!!...enough about asa for today...

...i think i might need to do a cleansing fast...but i don't even have money for an all out one...just staying away from certain foods...i feel not so delighted about food about now...and spring is here!!!!!...joy!!!...i love spring...it marks the beginning/start of new things and growth...and most importantly, that it is almost nekky time-summer...looking forward to wearing small dresses which float upwards with the slightest breeze or little tops over jeans or skirts...want to go shopping and buy some bright oranges, blues, greens and red-hued fits...i should go to morocco...there is supposed to be a capoeira angola conference there in may...not that i need any motivation to go to morocco;)...

...be blessed this weekend....if you celebrate easter, then happy eastern (like my venezuelan friend would say..hahahaha)...for those that do not, happy weekend...as for me, can someone please find d'banj and send him to my house?...i'd like to follow the instructions in this video, just for him:)...shei i can wind am o!!!...kai, the swagger this man has!!!...it just oozes from him...see how he ran to the camera at the end of his part...send him quickly o!!!...he should come [hahahaha...interesting] any day, but preferably sooner than later...thanks:)

...o sexo sem vergonha...continued...

2008-03-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

boy 1: shei you know i am a big boy...i run with the big boys now...soon i will leave you if you don't quickly catch up...

boy 2: (small laughter) big boy?...how so?...you no get car...you no get proper job...the money you get, na yo papa own...eh hehn...how have you come to be a big boy...

boy 1: ha...i don enter woman...

boy 2: (mouth agape)...what?!...where?!...what woman?!...when did this happen?!...

boy 1: (laughing)...omo, calm down...hehe...why so surprised?...like say you believe i no go enter...

boy 2: answer the questions...

boy 1: ha...see how your mouth looks...ears don grow big o to capture this gist abi?...no worry...i go give am...

jacob: man, i fucked this nice piece of ass last week...i masturbate to that sweet ass still...*shudders for emphasis*...

todd: who was it?...i might have to try that one out if you still on it a week later...

jacob: wouldn't you like to know?...dude, i smashed so hard, i don't think you'd want to follow...she was laying there, panting so hard...haha...i don't think she could even believe it...

todd: okay...we'll see if you ever see her again...funny cuz your girls never have names...

jacob: whatever fool...i don't need to remember their names...they're one-night stands...what the fuck i need their names for?...that's that simp shit...then you go getting pussy whipped, looking for the same piece of ass, calling and buying shit...i'm ain't tryin to do all that right now...(looking to his friend who has quietly been listening) what's up with jaslyn?...she let you hit yet?...

isaac: nah man...she still on that 'waiting till marriage' shit...i wish she'd miss me with that shit...man...

todd: yo, (pulling out a small box from his jacket pocket)...i think this might help you...my cousin just brought this shit...i think he got it in ghana or somewhere in africa...it's virginity soap...you can fuck your girl and she bathes with it and no one knows any better...

isaac: (eyeing the soap skeptically) what the hell?...that don't even make sense...lemme see that (grabs soap from todd's hand...reads the back of the container)...

todd: he brought back a bunch of them...i gave some to rob and he's been having sex since...

isaac: (looks up) really?...

(later that evening)

isaac: so, i heard your girl finally gave in...

rob: (with a bit of surprise on his face)...who told you that?...

isaac: it's not true?...

rob: uh...slightly...

isaac: (confused look on his face)...what the hell?...either it's yeah or no...

rob: look, between you and i, i have yet to be inside a proper pussy...

isaac: so how are you having sex?...

rob: damn!...i have to spell it out for you?...it's not her mouth and it's not her pussy...(he walks off, slightly embarrassed)...

isaac: (mouth agape in shock)

boy 3 sat down at his desktop and opened his email...he had four new messages...one was from an email address he was familiar with...the other three were new ones...he opened the familiar one...it was man, with wife and two kids...he had a fetish for small boys, specifically them penetrating him...it was good practice for boy 3 and it made him feel less gay...man wanted to meet him at starbucks that night and move from there to their regular spot...the next email was from a woman who was divorced and interested in sleeping with younger men, you know, to make her feel young again...email three was from a 419er...he deleted that email quickly...the last email went unread as his mother was knocking on the door....he shut down the computer, opened a book, passed the gas he had been holding onto, flushed the toilet in the next room, then opened the door, brushing past his mother...she held her nose and stepped back, cursing him for not warning her first...she closed the door and walked back to her room....he slipped into his room, changed clothes, found change in his change jar and walked out the front door...he left his staple note which read: 'gone to study at starbucks with some friends'...

...what his friends didn't know about all his one-night stands were that they were with prostitutes or older women his brother would buy for him...it was inconsequential right?...as long as he was getting some, it didn't really matter from who...ass is ass is ass, right?...at the end of the day, he wouldn't be a virgin and he'd be able to cross off many notches on his belt...todd rode the coat tails of his older brothers who had been quite the studs while in school...no one really thought to question todd, as clearly it must run in the family...two older brothers who had had their pick of women...as todd didn't bother with any girls at their school, it was assumed he dealt with older girls his brothers didn't want or secured for him...no one really knew his deal at all...he barely knew himself...

...rape counts as sex still right?...what is rape anyway?...most girls say no because they are supposed to...not that they don't really want it...anyway, it makes a good story...they can have sex without the stigma of voluntarily consenting to sex, hiding under the cloak of rape...so, technically, i am helping her...exposing her to sex while allowing her to claim rape...she enjoys the sex and everyone pities her 'violation'...i wasn't that rough with her anyway...i don't need to tell anyone it was a rape...in fact, she raped me...but i can't possibly tell anyone that...whatever...twas sex...full stop...

...sometimes the ideas he conjured up scared himself...some he could practice on his own while he masturbated...others, he dare not try them out...instead, he introduced them to his friends, teasing them for having not tested them...afterall, all the serious dudes were doing these things on the regular...what were they hesitating for?...he'd laugh at them...they would ask if he had tried them...he'd question back where they thought he had come to know of the technique...it wasn't in any of the men mags...exactly his friends would retort...the stuff he was describing was too graphic, sometimes violent...he'd shrug...they could do as they pleased...some would try and come back to him for help when it had failed...he would interject his new ideas as alternatives or remedies...

...and so some boys were introduced to and practiced sex...

...no, they didn't really drop the ball...they just picked up paintbrushes, cameras, pens, microphones and tutus...

2008-03-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

n.i.m.m.o. introduced me to asa...i listen to her daily on myspace until i have time to buy her cd...afropolitan introduced me to nneka, who now bides for listen time with asa on myspace too...i talked to an artist friend here and a writer friend there and the dancing friend over yonder and it dawns on me this weekend/today...we, meaning my generation, has not dropped the ball at all...

...see, that's the fantastic thing about being a new generation...you get to transform and change the manner in which things are done, for better or for worse...while the civil rights movement age and right after independence freedom fighters era may have seen the emergence of many leaders bouncing and passing that beautiful ball or flawlessly passing the baton to the open hand of the next runner, our generation wasn't that interested in ball passing or baton catching...so, to the common eye, it looks as though we dropped it...

...backing up to the generation (s) before mine, because they technically were passed the ball/baton before we came into the pic...they had a different strategy obviously...those before had fought to tell people that we were equal...those after them (our parents) sought to prove that they were equal...we can earn as much as you, know as much as you, be as 'civilized' and 'classy' and status-quo-y as you...so they accumulated degrees, bought homes and nice cars, created elite societies, and left freedom fighting and politics to those still unable to remove themselves from the lower bowels of society...they raised children who they hoped would further prove their and their parents' worth finally...medicine, law, business and engineering dominated as those fields of prestige and proof of one's value and measuring up...the arts had no place here...both in the us and other developing countries...(ask any immigrant or child of immigrants what their parents want or approve of them to study...some may not say it, but they dream it and make comments in passing of others who have attained...ask ethnically and economically disadvantaged groups in the us and i suppose britain what their parents propose that they study...you notice that there is no room for an uneducated one here...the choices revolve around what and where you will study)...

...essentially they held the ball/baton...not really dropping it but not passing it or transforming it either...they encouraged us to study and then get a great job where we can make loads of money and we (parents and child) could finally arrive!...it was going well...but they didn't realize that they were suppressing the very tool we would use to continue the struggle, especially as we have seen many of the gains eroded or erased in recent times...taking nothing from those before us who were also a creative and insightful bunch, but they very much focused on the more cerebral/learned aspects...my generation is a different lot...clearly...we are cerebral too o!!...we had to be...that was what our parents insisted we be...it was the only measure of success for them...as i mentioned before, they suppressed the tool we would use...

...when i wanted to just curl up with a novel and read or sit outside in the backyard, underneath a mild smiling sun, soft winds tiptoeing by, birds singing words of encouragement for my writings, i was beckoned into the house to come and study some science or math topic...or better yet, to teach one of my siblings to read...so, we ended up ambi-straddling those two worlds...some of us much better than others (naapali-he's a doctor and clearly could have been a successful writer)...others of us straddled a little more to one side, abandoning or back-burning our artistic dreams...others said to hell with science, law and math...i will be artistic, even if i must support myself-please read that last part again, very dramatically...

...so, it has taken some time for our generation to 'arrive'...i kept asking when would we arrive...we are and we have...it just looks different...instead of looking for a ball or baton, we transformed it into a paintbrush, camera, tutu, pen and paper, microphone, stage, etc...i've been listening to asa since n.i.m.m.o. blogged about her and it just dawned on me today what the lyrics of jailer are about and what she is getting at!...and wow!!!...if she isn't saying something, then call me ifhfhthkslunckalksytekakuf (just try and pronounce that...ha!)...from our art, we expose the fuckery that parades around as justice, peace and democracy for what it really is...but in such a way as to almost fool folks into funding us...then we do the obvious 'movement' type community work...a la carlinhos brown (i know, i know...i swing from this guy's sack...what can i say?!...i admire him!!...)...

...if you are looking for the ball or baton, i can guarantee that you will find it when godot arrives...if you open your mind small, you'll see the ball/baton in the fashion created by that unassuming caribbean locked sista who frequents that jamaican restaurant you love...or in the lyrics of your corporate co-worker who works with imprisoned youth on the weekends...or the restaurant my friends and i hope to open up where we will challenge you to open up your mind about what foods work well together, in hopes that your openness with food will transfer to the people...or the fine accented brother with the low-cut fade who is trying to convince you to come check out his art gallery he just opened downtown...and as you walk around taking in his paintings of sorrow, suffering and joy of the women and children in south central la, you'll over hear a fair half-black, half jewish woman talking about her book-signing event for the book she just released about the ills of war in sudan...and then you'll run into your vietnamese homegirl from undergrad who is now studying and essentially documenting the history of healing of her people in an attempt to save and revive the history...that model pushing the boundaries of notions of beauty as she saunters down the catwalk, barely clad in a bikini designed by an african designer...the movement is still going...it just has on an assortment of new clothes...don't sleep yo, don't sleep...

...disclaimer: i am not in any way positing that if you 'lack' or have not yet tapped your artistic talent then you are not part of the revolution...no...i am just highlighting the fact that many of our generation are on the artsy tip of revolution and not so much the march and rally, raised fist in the air genre...please o, don't feel excluded!!!...this also pushes you to examine and define what is artistic, abi?...

...a quick update...

2008-03-10T01:57:00.001-07:00

...and what a week it has been!!!...quite eventful and interesting...inspiring while also very humbling...hilarious and serious...interviewed for a position that is optimal for my health career but with an org, that well, is what it is...met a togolese guy who danced very well;)...played with the cutest and expressive set of children-angoleiro babies...engaged in profound discussions about race, class, division, generalizing, use of feminine wiles and more...relaxed...fretted...reconnected with many friends...met some new ones...eyed some eye candy, but not nearly as much as i would have liked...was informally proposed to, i think, or something like that...was incredibly shy...consumed something or things that did not sit well with me...renewed my love and respect for capoeira angola...and the fantastic women in the world!!!...what a celebration of women!...

...you grow and learn new things, with the hopes of releasing those things which cease to serve you and those around while embracing and exercising those things which do allow you to continue to grow and learn...further complicated by the fact that we are creatures of habit, making it difficult at times to abandon behaviors which are more destructive than helpful...this weekend rendezvous with capoeira angola reminded me of things that i still need to work on...these things are necessary for me to be able to get my projects off the ground like i want...otherwise i might as well stop creating them...i recognize my creator tendency-to create things is fairly easy-it is the implementation that sometimes becomes difficult for me...not always...but sometimes...especially if i am working alone, with people who will be relying on me to make things happen...this weekend further cemented in my head, that i will not allow others' opinions or dislike of capoeira affect my decision to participate or not...it serves me and provides much needed insight and focus...i feel happy and free when training, playing, singing in the roda, laughing at mestres' facial expression, shyly checking out the cute guy across from me, surrounding myself with incredibly beautiful and dynamic people able to move their bodies and express themselves in such ingeniously creative, spectacular, fluid, smooth, beautiful, acrobatic, freakish and challenging ways!!!!....i love capoeira angola, if you hadn't guessed;)...

...i was able to manifest quite a bit this week...some things i couldn't...maybe i didn't need them...but other things, i even shocked myself into doing, realizing as it was unfolding...there was some doubt at one point until i realized that my intention for a certain thing was so strong as to block out other efforts so that one particular effort would work, while simultaneously manifesting what i wanted and saving me money...

...my voice is somewhat gone and my throat is threatening to be sore...my legs, stomach and triceps all hurt....i can't walk like a regular person...very, very sore...if i move to dc, ghana cafe is so going to be a place where i visit!...despite the lactic acid build up in my legs, i managed to boogie till 4am to soukous and dancehall...don't ask how, but that same morning, after losing an hour of sleep due to daylight saving time and talking until 5:30am, i was up and training capoeira at 7:30am...the guys at ghana cafe seemed astonished that i could dance as well as i did...even before they knew i was born and raised in the us...they kept asking where i learned to dance...my mother!...haha...but, i don't need much to inspire me when it comes to soukous o!!!...

...my friends' daughters kept calling me coconut butt...one left me this bit of a message: 'hey coconut butt...i hope you are playing with your coconuts'...what?!!!!....haha...she's six...dunno what inspired them to call me a coconut butt!!...clearly my bum does not look like a coconut!!!...just a quick update...much work to do...i'm off to tackle the beast of a to-do list...and just self-diagnosed myself with diabetes-a la symptoms described in essence (march issue)...i hope i am wrong...

...a new light...

2008-02-26T21:59:00.000-08:00

and so the new light has come...not in the way--maybe i mean situation, i would have envisioned...its a new light afterall...i rejoice at light...love new lights...so bright, yet fragile...easily extinguished...but if given a chance, can grow so big as to light the whole house, street, neighborhood, village, nation, world...infinite possibilities...dreams and expectations to fill...bringing smiles to all around...i would have wanted it that way too...especially as this is the first...

...damn my stubborn, self-righteousness...who i am?...God says not to judge...am i judging?...of course i am...a little...oh!!!!...why can't i toss this?...it brings me to tears...its the first new light...and to come in...no familial lights...what are we saying?...yet expecting so much...some of us...twas not the fault of the light...small...fragile...just wanting to be loved...admired...held...given the opportunity to shine...assured that it is welcome, wanted...and no one...

...i cannot subject this light to such...less it shine less brightly...and i would blame myself...i'll go tomorrow...its the lightbearer whom i wish to avoid...but, tis impossible...i'll work on that...i do welcome your new light...i've been expecting and pondering upon you...how you'll glimmer and shine...what will lower your brilliance and more importantly enhance it...i'm secretly glad you're here...just as i said, i wish it could have been under better circumstances...we'll make the best of it though, won't we...pisces...my opposite...i'll love you though...you'll be one i love...i apologize for the delay in my arrival...i promise henceforth not to be absent...

...a new light has arrived....

...come let us mingle...

...we'll make very merry...

...i'll hum you a jingle...

...you'll close your small eyes...

...head cradled in my arms...

...i'll rock you to sleep...

...keeping you safe and warm...

...oh new light!!!...

...you're welcome, please stay!...

...once you are older...

...we shall really play...

...new light...

...excuse my behavior...

...i recognize your potential...

...you just may be her savior...

...interesting that in spanish they say 'da la luz' to signify giving birth...

...nzinga-guerreira sem duvida...

2008-02-25T17:57:00.000-08:00

o senhor: vem menina...quero ver essa vestida...i want to see your dress...(the girl sauntered over, thrilled to show-off her new dress to anyone that would look)...

nzinga: bom dia senhor...

o senhor: good morning to you nzinga...i like your dress...'ta linda demais...

nzinga: obrigada...thank you senhor...

o senhor: you can speak english...i know you need the practice...you must be quite a clever and intelligent girl, huh?...

nzinga: *with a quizzical look on her face*...por que?...i mean, why?...

o senhor: your name of course...

nzinga: it means clever and intelligent?...(o senhor stepped back, almost as if the question had blown him backwards, his steps kept him from falling over...)

o senhor: you mean you don't know what your name means?...you don't know about your name?...

nzinga: i know its african...i am afro-brasilian...(she shrugged her shoulders, that was all the information she knew...he couldn't believe what he was hearing...how was it possible that this eleven year old girl, fluent in portuguese and spanish, and highly functional in english and yoruba and the daughter of two very active members in the brasilian black power movement, had never asked and had never been told the origin of her name?...)

o senhor: nao sabe nada dela, da nzinga?...

nzinga: besides me?...*she shook her head*...no...

o senhor: sit down menina...vou te falar sobre nzinga...i'll tell you about the african queen who had your name long before you and i lived...

...and so it was that nzinga mbande was queen of the mbundu people of southwestern africa, what we know as the country of angola (we all remember angola right?...)...she was a stateswoman, with many woman serving as her counsels, a military strategist and was responsible for resisting the portuguese for quite some time...

...she had a legendary meeting with a portuguese governor...she was offered a mat to sit on, which was reserved for subordinates and only the governor had a seat....nzinga beckoned for one of her women to make herself into a seat, upon which nzinga sat, making her an equal in the meeting with the portuguese governor...

...as was common with most other european powers, the portuguese had an insatiable need for black slaves and thus failed to uphold their end of the treaty signed at the aforementioned meeting...her brother, the ruler, proved too weak, so nzinga formed an alliance which allowed her to acquire matamba...when the alliance crumbled, she took advantage of the rift between the dutch and portuguese, pitting the dutch against the portuguese...the dutch lost and nzinga and co retreated to the matamba hills...there, she created a resistance movement against the portuguese who were unable to break through until after her death...she often led her troops into battle even into her sixties...

...nzinga, sat, her eyes shining as she now knew the power in her name...she smiled, raining gratitude on her godfather...she jumped up and ran to tell her friends, as the little lock headed, skinny, capoeira playing lumumba walked over shyly...he too wanted to know about his name...

...clearly i am supposed to be writing an article about talking to your kids about sex...but, i'm procrastinating and just wanted to tell you about nzinga...never heard about her husband...maybe he left her too...i wonder how her brother felt as she decided to lead the attack/defense against the portuguese when his weak-bum was too afraid....i am craving some ethiopian food like nobody's business...*scampers off to work on her article, after a small detour at pamela's blog first*...

...totally unrelated: got an email about a part-time position in dc...last line of the email reads as follows: Pay is not high, but goodbenefits/killer health insurance are included...uh, please don't ever describe health insurance as killer...just, don't...not a good look at all...needless to say, i deleted the email...

...malcolm x, please meet dr. wangari maathai...

2008-02-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

and so it was on february 21, 1965 that 'they' rid themselves of another visionary looking to improve the plight of the black man in the us and the world...he was only 39...el -hajj malik el-shabazz...aka malcolm x...i picked up a copy of his autobiography that was laying around in my brothers' room...dunno when or how it got there, because it has not always been there...but it has been making advances at me the past few weeks, as i would step over it, wondering why it was on the ground, but not picking it up...finally, i decided i would read it...have heard lots of great things about the book and have been meaning to read it...yeah, yeah...i know i am hella late already...but better late than never, right?...i like to read forewords and introductions to books/manuals, especially when i have time...they can be so insightful...i found this jewel in the intro by m.s. handler:...

"...Malcolm also sought to enlighten me about the Negro mentality...the Negro had been trained to dissemble and conceal his real thoughts, as a matter of survival...the Negro only tells the white man what he believes the white man wishes to hear, and that the art of dissembling reached a point where even Negroes cannot truthfully say they understand what their fellow Negroes believe. The art of deception practiced by the Negro was based on a thorough understanding of the white man's mores, he said; at the same time the Negro has remained a closed book to the white man, who has never displayed any interest in understanding the Negro."

...and i wonder if it has reached a point that the blackman him/herself does not even know truthfully what they themselves believe...and if not, do they take the time to reflect/engage in inner-dialogue to try and discern what they believe?...or do they also remain a closed book to themselves...and if you don't know what the hell you truly believe, you for damn sure won't know what anyone else believes or even believe that they know...watching them distrustfully...despising in them the very attribute you despise in yourself...yet, carrying on your character's role, as any good actor knows that the show must continue...i assume and hope malcolm x explores this more in his autobiography, which i hope to complete by this weekend...

..lest i propagate the myth that we women have contributed nothing to black history, let us talk of a personal favorite of mine...briefly of course:)...dr. wangari maathai, the kenyan environmentalist and human rights campaigner, who in 2004 became the first african woman to ever receive the nobel peace prize since its creation in 1901...[can you imagine!!!!?]...most of you should know this tidbit as it is fairly recent news...in the 1970s, she led a campaign called the green belt movement...it had the goal of planting trees across the continent to slow deforestation and later grew to include biodiversity preservation projects, educating people about their environment and the promotion of rights of women and girls...she was imprisoned several times during president moi's term for her demands for multi-party elections and an end to political corruption and tribal politics...march 28, 2005, she became the african union's first president of the economic, social and cultural council...her autobiography is called: "unbowed: one woman's story...a highly educated woman, she was also the first eastern african woman to receive a phd in veterinary medicine at university of nairobi...

...something that struck me about her story was the rationale for divorce by her husband...its said he divorced her in the 1980s because she was too strong-minded for a woman and he couldn't control her...the judge agreed and she was put in jail and forced to change her last name...[she was supposed to drop her husband's last name but added an extra a instead]....can you imagine?!!...its the thing african women, but really women in general have to think about...no matter what any man says, at some point, a very strong-minded woman will threaten some aspect of their masculinity.manhood...still so much work we have to do in balancing the feminine and masculine energies so men don't feel threatened by equally strong or stronger women...in the meantime, it seems, as an activist sort, woman must be clear that you may go it alone...but that's for another post...that's some black history for ya...malcolm and wangari...

...follow up to o sexo sem vergonha will come later...no date has been determined as we speak...

...o sexo sem vergonha...

2008-02-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

girl: ...mom...i think i'm going to give up on this whole virgin till marriage deal...

mom: ...what?!...why?...

girl: ...does the guy have to be a virgin at marriage too?...

mom: ...*with a horrified look on her face*...God forbid!...why should he be a virgin?...

girl: ...oh!...*surprised look on her face as the lurking epiphany settles in*...so, then why do i have to wait?...

mom: ...oh, because it makes you more virtuous...and your husband will appreciate you more...girls have to be virgins...boys don't have to-- in fact, they shouldn't be...

girl: ...*shaking her head*...sorry mom...that's patriarchial and i don't buy that double standard game...if he doesn't or isn't expected to be a virgin and i am just so he can appreciate it, i'm cool...i have all intentions of losing my virginity...

mom: ...i really don't think you should do that...you'll regret it...

girl: ...nope...i won't...now, can you tell me about sex?...

mom: ...*more horrified face and tinges of embarrassment*...absolutely not!!!...i can't believe you would ask me that!!!...

girl: ...are you serious?...who am i supposed to ask?...the guy as he's about to fuck me--...

she never finished her thought as her mother's hot palm connected hungrily and painfully with her cheek...but she should have been happy as she had succeeded in making her mother talk that long about anything even sex related...afterall, they were african descendants and we all know that africans and their descendants don't talk about sex...well at least not presently...its not 'tradition' to talk about sex...and you dare not with your child...'they' point to the spread of hiv/aids in 'africa' as evidence and link it to the 'culture' of silence which surrounds sex and 'culturally binds africans and her descendants to blindly abide by its rules...

...in this month of black history, i reject this myth that 'our' silence around sex is born of 'our' culture-obviously some defect on account of our inherent naivete...or maybe its our frigidty...no, i disagree...granted i do not suggest that women and men sat around sipping pepper/peanut/[insert soup specialty from your region here] soup and discussing whether they liked to be spanked, bitten, rough sex, taken from the back or in the 'bush'...i can't say how explicit the discussions were or whether they occurred between the sexes, but i do posit, beyond a shadow of a doubt of my imagination, that sex was talked about...it was probably designated a space in which it was discussed, but, it was discussed...

...most specifically, i am speaking about the transmittance of sex information from adults to adolescents or those going through puberty...as i feel this is a huge problem today...chinua achebe's "things fall apart" [if you haven't read this book, please go do so], although explicitly exploring the deterioration of the indigenous/traditional belief and cultural systems in favor of a foreign one, can be applied to this same betrayal of systems to convey sex information to those that would be engaging in such in exchange for a deeply flawed one in which no information or incomplete info is passed on...

...when the good ole europeans came to the continent and 'discovered' us darkies living our lives like they were golden, they had their own plans for us, which included the imposition of new religious beliefs and morals/values and rules governing sex talk...let me give an example...in a tribe/ethnic group of a country in the south of africa [the exact name of the country escapes me now], understanding the sexual tension felt by youth once they hit a certain age, and in an attempt to dissuade them from engaging in premarital sex [its pretty universal that it was preferred that youth wait til marriage/formal union to engage in sex] youth were taught alternate ways of relieving sexual tension, ranging from masturbation to dry humping until orgasm for the boy...the europeans of course were threatened by this and deemed it evidence of africans' over/hypersexualization...the 'heathens' were provided with the bible and her many passages and no other alternative which matched the one already in place...youth were still expected to delay sexual debut but now had no alternatives and nowhere/noone to even discuss with...

...the rites of passage ceremonies most youth passed through before becoming adults in the eyes of society was another place/space in which these youth received this critical information...there were elders entrusted and 'knowledgable' on many matters, including that of sex...they passed on not just the physiology of it, but also the societal norms/values/morals/expectations surrounding sex and ways to protect and satisfy oneself and partner...i am not saying that everything that was passed on was accurate and correct, especially the physiology and biology of it all-which some might even argue-but that could easily be remedied with 'updates' for the elders...and keeping in mind that the idea of adolescence is still relatively new...

...but the introduction of mandatory education and our own quests to be more european or supposedly 'developed' meant that we were in a hurry to abandon many of our cultural practices, even those which served us...unfortunately, we weren't as quick to adopt new alternatives to replace what was abandoned...parents don't talk to their children about sex and for the most part never have had to...their parents didn't do it for them either...so they don't know how...yet, we somehow expect them, with no training and all the cultural tabooism we have added to the topic, to start discussing with chima, wale and idara [ama, kwame, wawi, haile, mohammed, shantel, laura-appropriate name for your region please]...teachers don't want the responsibility or blame and religious leaders will gladly do it so they can continue to spew their religious, one-sided rhetoric...

...most social scientist have attributed many societal problems of adolescents and young adults to the lack of a formalized ritual marking the transition from child/teenager to adult...teen pregnancy, drug abuse, school truancy, etc...not to romanticize the past and behave as if they had no societal problems or deviants, but i wonder at the proportion...and i am not talking your parents' generation or grandparents or even great grandparents, even if you are n.i.m.m.o. or naapali or undacovasista [i only use you three because of the amount of knowledge you had about sankara so i assume you're older than i and others;)]...i'm talking prior to the colonialization of africa as a whole...that time period...and not to presume that all aspects of the rites of passages were useful or needed...

...but so here we are....we have decided that rites of passages are barbaric and for 'bush' people...we are all toooooo religious and Godly to talk about that 'original sin' [i'll address that ish in another post] or too afraid of being accused of encouraging youth to have sex by talking to them about it, in all its glory or lacking knowledge to discuss it...where does girl in above dialogue go to talk about sex?...where does that leave our youth, with regards to sex?...

...don't worry...in future posts i will address other issues around this sex thing...from the convo above and others...but please do tell me what you think about this...especially those of you holding on...where did you get the info you have?...where would you have liked to have gotten the info?...for those of you having sex, especially if before marriage...what made you decide not to wait?...where did you get your info?...where would you have preferred to get it?...

...mr. thomas sankara...in brief...

2008-02-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

"I would like to leave behind me the conviction that if we maintain a certain amount of caution and organization we deserve victory[....] You cannot carry out fundamental change without a certain amount of madness. In this case, it comes from nonconformity, the courage to turn your back on the old formulas, the courage to invent the future. It took the madmen of yesterday for us to be able to act with extreme clarity today. I want to be one of those madmen. [...] We must dare to invent the future."
1985. Source: (Excerpt from interviews with Swiss Journalist Jean-Philippe Rapp, translated from Sankara: Un nouveau pouvoir africain by Jean Ziegler. Lausanne, Switzerland: Editions Pierre-Marcel Favre, 1986. Used by permission in following source:) Sankara, Thomas. Thomas Sankara Speaks: The Burkina Faso Revolution 1983-87. trans. Samantha Anderson. New York: Pathfinder, 1988. pp. 141-144.

i found that quote rather fascinating...considering that i had never heard of mr. thomas sankara, the owner of the quote, this made me more curious about this man...not sure how this guy managed to slip under my radar, but he is definitely a new interest of mine...

...he was the first president of burkina faso between 1983 and 1987, before being overthrown and killed in a bloody coup-d'etat...first, because prior to 1984, burkina faso was known as upper volta...(burkina faso is a country in west africa...the name means the land of upright people in the two major languages of the country: mossi and djula...mr. sankara renamed the country when he became the fifth president of upper volta)...interestingly, the guy responsible for the coup which led sankara into leadership, is the same guy who orchestrated the coup which killed sankara...mr. blaise compaore, the current president...

...he was only 33 when he became president...his government included a large number of women as improving women's status was of high priority to him and he realized its importance in developing his country and africa as a whole...he launched a public health campaign which saw the vaccination of over 2 1/2 million people in a week, condemned polygamy, banned female circumcision, promoted contraception, made the country self-sufficient food wise and on and on...the more i read, the more i'm impressed...

..but the same thing that seems to plague most visionary revolutionaries plagued dear thomas...that of their vision and their ability to focus...their vision allows them to see way ahead of what most common people can envision, far beyond the status quo, what can be...their focus allows them to bear down and grind it out quickly...this often calls for the forfeiting of certain liberties (free press, unions, etc.) and worries those with the most to lose with a change to status quo...as they do with such men, he was assassinated...

...and as we look at burkina faso today, the 27th poorest nation in the world, heavily dependent on foreign aid, has the lowest literacy rate and so on, i can only wonder at what the place could of been had he been allowed to finish his work..the same way i wonder about ghana...hopefully you knew about this man...i'm definitely going to read more about him...that's some black history for that %ss...

...'film class' at the pan-african film festival...

2008-02-13T23:25:00.000-08:00

went to watch a friend of mine's film called 'black to our roots' at the pan-african film festival tuesday night...i'd already seen the film in atlanta, but i think its important to support other artists, especially those of african descent, sharing the stories of others descended from the continent...and especially as this is one of the few avenues for some black filmmakers to get their films stories shown/told...an added bonus was that i was also supposed to watch a film called 'film class'...yeah, supposed to because they were having technical difficulties so we were unable to finish the film...que pena!...

...but i was excited nonetheless becuase i'd remembered reading about the film online and was interested in watching it...it was about a film class a filmmaker went to teach to afro-bedouin muslim women living in rahat, israel...the film class allows/encourages them to explore their histories and racism in their current society...i loved what pieces of the film i saw and wished it would have finished...it was fascinating and a little disheartening to see that the afro-bedouin community, especially the new generation, in general, knew very little about their history and how they had come to be in rahat, israel and had never really asked...many of the women were shocked, appalled and disgusted by what they were learning...they also discussed the current issues of racism and discrimination among the black and white bedouin muslims, even speaking with the mayor about the issue...don't know how much to indulge, as you may want to see the film yourself...*debates with self about how much detail to give*...

...some of the women got to travel to the uk to talk to an afro-bedouin man who had been forced to flee rahat after marrying a white bedouin muslim girl, whose family and the community (especially the white muslim community) were against the marriage...(intermarriage is allowed by the religion of islam, but not by 'tradition'...very interesting topic and discussion point, especially as they discussed with the mayor)...the uk asylum-seeker's (afro-bedouin man who fled rahat) story brought tears to my eyes (i did mention before that i feel emotions, mine and others, rather intensely and often cry when watching films) as you could feel the depth of his sorrow and pain, hear it echoed in his words and see it etched in his face, even as he braved up to smile and laugh...the women also got to visit zanzibar, an island off of the country of tanzania, on the continent of africa, where africans were kept before being sent to the middle east to be slaves during the arab slave trade...

...quite interesting how we put so much emphasis on the trans-atlantic slave trade, and rightfully so, but seemingly forget about the ramifications of the earlier arab slave trade and the precedence that was set with that experience...

...i appeciated the way in which the women were portrayed in this film...often times, muslim women, especially black muslim women, are portrayed as weak, disempowered, uneducated, incapable of critical analysis, heavily clothed women who exist to do the biddings of their domineering, abusive, archaic, chauvinistic husbands...but these women were strong, feisty, critical thinking, educated, highly admirable women, who seemed at times, independent and supported by their husbands...you didn't pity them, except as you watched as they had to listen to some of the rubbish that was told to them, but even then, it was more from a place of familiarity than that distance we attribute to foreign, unfamiliar things...

...the film highlighted that i still know sooooo little about the world!!...it illuminated for me that we should be grateful for the little information that we each know about our own personal histories...we often lament about not knowing this or that, but, when you see others who know even less, it makes you appreciate that little you do have...and for me, it increased the fire i have to learn more about my history...it's important to seek out the past, despite the ugliness and sadness it may unearth...it is neccessary to know to help understand the current situations we find ourselves in and determining how best to address/fight/recognize the injustices we and others are forced to endure, sometimes in the name of tradition...it gives much needed context...

...it also left me really pondering about this strong dislike for blacks/brown-skinned/darker/melanin endowed peoples of the earth by those less melanin endowed...as i read more of the isis papers [people have been telling me i need to read it for a while now...my little sis has it so we sift through it every now and then], i can't help but wonder about some of her assertions about white people's fear of 'us'...a humanist at heart, its hard for me to grab hold of some of the assertions in the book...but i wonder why blacks are sooooo much more open to intermarriage than whites tend to be...it could be as a result of the theory in isis papers or maybe related to some internalized self-loathing/inferiority complex on the part of 'us' brown folks who may believe that marrying white will improve our lot [but then one is left wondering where that self-loathing came from]...just interesting how vehemently whites will kick against intermarriage...even when us brownies do it, it is quite different [folks don't usually have to flee their country of origin over it...but now, let's not explore what we do when you marry the wrong kind of 'darkie'...that's a whole other beast, abi?]...

...they briefly interviewed the cutest little girl with a soft and sweet little voice...despite its length, her interview was quite revealing, sparked some convo with the women and highlighted the importance of talking to our 'babies' and allowing them to express themselves and their ideas on all topics, especially this fallacy of race that we seem to all buy into...i wanted to hug the girl and cry...the discussion helped hold the tears back...

...overall, for what i saw, twas a splendid film...would love to find it and add to my collection...i learned a lot about afro-bedouin muslims in rahat, israel and much more...made me think, think, think...film and tv may not be soo bad afterall...just depends on how it is used...i need to learn more about the arab slave trade...and my own history, from country, state, tribe on down to family lines...

...my nigerian revolution meme...because naija will be free and nice...

2008-02-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

so, solomonsydelle had sent out a meme about a nigerian revolution a while ago...i am just now responding...it took me a while as i had to seriously give this some thought...i obviously couldn't continue spewing the idea of armed robbers only robbing the corrupt governors and leaders...and frankly, i am truly a peaceful person...twas much more difficult than i thought...i am somewhat of a dreamer, idealist, philosopher and this year has me somewhat in the clouds, if you will...feeling hopeful and and a little more confident in my fellow humans...so, this is what i came up with:

...like most people have already pointed out, this revolution will not look like the ones we are accustomed to, rife with blood, violence, and abrupt change....no, this one is likely to be so subtle as to go completely unnoticed by those in the midst of it and even those outside...it will creep in the slightly open windows and through the crack between the door and the ground, this silent but very welcome visitor, whom many will pray takes up permanent residence...permeating the air, with a slight pleasant fragrance noticed by the most sensitive of noses...or felt by those who feel the weight...

..it will be multi-pronged though...exacting its power not just in one area, but all areas, at the same time...it will invade government and our manner of governance as it will tickle the mindset of the people into action and in some cases, inaction...those greedy, selfish, individualistic, narcissistic current 'leaders' will be replaced by those who are a bit less individualistic and selfish...educators will cease to accept bribe(monetary or sexual and at all levels) and start teaching, understanding their role as the molders of the future of nigeria...okada drivers will remember that they are okadas and drive as such, reducing risk to their passengers and others on the road...writers will be compelled to write stories/articles/poems/plays/articles which stir the passion we have locked inside...musicians will encourage us to be merry and enjoy the good and beauty of life and we will be sucked in...

...if we are looking for that noble, charming, dark, tall, handsome and fearless male leader to rise above the rest and lead us to the promised land, go ahead and add him to the list, just after godot (you know, from waiting for godot)...the cia, fbi, us military and all other foreign meddlers [see agencies] have frightened us too much for any one person to step up so boldly...those who attempt to do so are quickly reminded of kwame nkrumah, walter rodney, benair bhutto, che and others who boldly stood and were arrogantly shot down...you will step down a little...besides, we are very interested in enjoying the fruits of our labor...you can't do that while dead...

...but we won't be kneeling either and picking whatever crumbs may be tossed our way...no, no...you won't be able to point out a clear target, er, leader, because the leader will dwell in all of us, to varying degrees...there will be those of us who will work abroad and bring that money home to live well...in our attempt to live the good life, we will start to feel compelled to rally friends to fix/pave the road that we use the most often...we probably won't agree which road that is so we'll pave several...alas, but i would like to drive a car that is not bullet proof, without fear of armed robbers...so maybe i will create a program which allows me to pay the police more and better eqip them so they may be better invested in fighting crime than initiating the crime...i can't throw my nightlong parties without electricity and don't want to further contribute to environmental ruin by consuming fuel for the generator, so i'll discuss with my engineering friend the creation of a generator that uses another type of naturally occurring/environmentally friendly source to power a generator, produced exclusively in naija, until of course nepa or whatever they are calling themselves today, get it together...those of us in naija will demand better as you will also want to enjoy the trapping you have worked for....the lack of consistent electricity will no longer just be chalked up as 'part of life in naija o'...you will be fed up of setting aside extra money to pay police officers and will challenge officials or civic society to change that...you will save your money and create your own airline that is prided on safety and efficiency...you'll have consulted with the juju men so nothing will do you and your endeavor...

...the artist in all of us will want to make that our life, all around us, using or turning everything into a piece/work of art to inspire, move and support people...artists will strive to capture the beauty that is all around and translate into more beauty...revolutionalizing the way we see and define beauty... from illuminating the appreciation of nature and the relationship the 'native doctor' has with it to exploring ways in which hues can be manipulated to create desired effetcs...we will banish those things which cease to serve us as a people and elicit the display of our inherent beauty...

...i envision a revolution by the people that starts by 'taking care of home first'...husband and wife working in concert to build a home of love, compassion and respect, raising children with values and open lines of communication and open ways of viewing the world...from there, it moves outward to your street, your community...building infrastructure in one area, changes the potential there...others see it and will try to replicate if not outdo it in their area...duke's work in cross river has been noticed...although those in power now may be too caught up in their personal 'come-up', those around have seen the possibilities and taken note...they are asking questions, which must be answered...where questions are aren't being asked, someone will go and start asking...small pockets of empowerment are being sewn into the fabric of nigeria...that type of content can't be contained forever and will spill and spread throughout the fabric, moving us along...

...the impatient guerrilla guerreira in me wants the change NOW and wants it BIG and very OBVIOUS...but, the peaceful warrior spirit, which is the stronger, dominant and more sensible one, with a preference for subtlety, tells me not to worry....the revolution has started...the mere fact that there is a meme about a nigerian revolution and intense debate about it tells me so...my peaceful warrior spirit asks me to think more intensely about how i will contribute to the history already in motion...how will i motivate people to more critically look at the world around them and think of better alternatives to our current existence?...how will i instill a movement/revolution of the mind?...from there, everything else will come...most importantly the sexual revolution that i plan to spearhead, very vehemently and aggressively-let's talk about it and do it more, albeit carefully, but without all the vergonha/shame and grief around it...its completely natural and neccessary for life for christ sake!!!!!...[hehe, you like my little plug for sex here?!]...

...and after reading through all that theoretical, philosophical, flighty rhetoric, you are left wondering, 'so what the hell does her revolution look like?'...it looks like you and whatever small bit you will do...it will be made up of small parts coming together as one large change, obvious far after the change has been made...i don't have much faith in 'government', as we know it, thus, i don't spell out ways in which the 'government' will do anything...if we do believe in democracy, we are the government...thus, what we do, will be what we see...our small endeavors and works/projects will eventually transform our beautiful nation into what we want...i hope you get...was that correct solomonsydelle?...i'm much better at asking questions than neccessarily providing answers...

...maybe it's some sort of geographical conspiracy...

2008-02-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

...i think they might be trying to strip the continent of africa of some of her countries...its common knowledge now or should be, that egypt long left africa...according to some sources, it never was part of africa...egypt exists alone in the world, somewhere between africa and europe, probably closer to europe...cleopatra was white...and since they blew the nose off the sphinx, we should assume that the ancient egyptians had straight and narrow noses...

...as of late, i've come to find out that folks don't even know 'what' angola is, let alone where it is...if you don't either, please stop reading and never return to this blog again...seriously...

...i don't even know how it is possible to not know what angola is or where it is...if i was asking you about like comoros or seychelles and you didn't know, ok...but angola!?...its the 23rd largest country in the world...sits in south/central africa...it gained its independence from the portuguese in 1975 and was embroiled in a civil war which ended very recently [see 2002]...there have been specials/pleas to help the thousands of people who lose limbs because of unexploded minefields left over from the war...has many natural resources of which diamonds and petroleum are two...it supposedly has one of the fastest growing economies in the world and the second largest in africa [this may have changed since press time] while managing to be one of africa's major oil producers...home to africa's second largest waterfall...they kept naija from qualifying for world cup in 2006 and went on to play their first ever...they speak portuguese...

...i asked some students today if they knew what angola was...'no' was their resounding answer...what the hell happened in geography class?...i went out with some angolan friends the other night...as we were leaving, i accompanied my friend to retrieve her coat from coat check...we were speaking portuguese and i guess the guy in charge of coat check was curious about our whereabouts and asked where we were from...my friend tells him angola...he responds, 'what's that?'...wtf?!...i responded in portuguese, 'um pais cara de bufo'...i didn't even feel like responding in english or telling him where i am from...'huh?' his dumbass response...my friend tells him it is a country...'where?'...damn...he couldn't even guess what damn continent it may have been?!...'africa' my friend tells him...you know what the fool had the nerve to say?...'oh, i'm african too'...i rolled my eyes and wished he'd just give us her coat so we could leave...fool...you can open your mouth and tell us you're african but you don't even know that angola is a country...lie lie...then he turns on this weird ass accent (i couldn't place what the f country it was supposed to have been from)and starts telling us about how his mom makes him cassava leaves and blah, blah and how she's liberian (so he was half-liberian, like i cared) so he knows all about that...fool, shutup!...i wanted to ask him to spell cassava and stop with the ridiculous accent...

...a few weeks before, we [i and my angolan friends] had gone to eat out after a night of dancing...we sit down and the waitress ask us to order...we order and i guess she picked up on the accents...she asked where we/they are from...i just sit and watch as my friends kind of hesitate and look at each other...i fight back my smirk...'angola' my brave friend answers...'where's that?'...bitch, what the fuck?!...i would have just nodded and kept it moving...no, she continues...'(stupid laughter) it must be far away huh?'...i turn back to stare at the table and fight back the laughter threatening to spill out into the world...my friend tells her it is a country in africa...wow...

...i don't know everything or all the countries in the world, but bet, if someone tells me a name of a country, i can probably guess what continent it is on...go ahead and try me...that night, i truly understood why when i ask some africans where they are from, they give me that vague 'africa' answer...i don't even blame them...why bother if the person asking doesn't even know where the hell or what the hell it is?...i know that may be a bit mean and arrogant, but for christ sakes...its 2008...with the internet and access to info, folks should know where the hell every country is, for the most part...if i say vietnam, you should know its in asia...turkey lies between the intersection of europe and asia...egypt actually is part of africa and uruguay is in south america...maybe i'm the bastard for not wanting to help people learn...i should just spoon feed everything to you because you can't go find out about it yourself?...just like saying i visited nigeria this christmas is equivalent to saying i visited africa this christmas...the whole damn continent!!....

...take home message: angola is a country in africa...thank you and that is our black history message for the day...

...carlinhos brown...pode fazer muito pela sua comunidade...

2008-02-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

...another one of my favorites...he's an afro-brasilian from my favorite state in brasil-bahia...he grew up in a poor neighborhood in the capital city of salvador, candeal pequeno...he is probably better known for his music...he has played with and written for some of the top brasilian artists such as marisa monte, daniela mercury, joao bosco, djavan, sergio mendes, caetano velosos, as well as international artists such as jovanotti, angelique kidjo and others ...the list could go on...he formed his own band called timbalada, which is very well known in brasil...the band features about 120 instrumentalists, a lot of which are drummers...they also do community work in bahia...carlinhos was one of the first musicians to use the timbau, an instrument usually reserved for religious ceremonies...he has been influential in maintaining and incorporating bahian music...for those who don't know, brasil received the most enslaved africans during the trans-atlantic slave trade...hence, after nigeria, they have the second highest population of people of african descent...a huge majority of them live in the state of bahia...

...i know his music based more on the group tribalistas...the group consisted of carlinhos, marisa monte and arnaldo antunes...they had several hits from that cd of which my favorite is 'velha infancia'...i bought the cd, twice and even managed to get my youngest brother to listen and love it...but i came to know of his music as a byproduct of the community work this man does...i have mentioned him before...as mentioned before, timbalada is a band but also an association in candeal pequeno...beyond timbalada's work, carlinhos also created another group of youth between ages 7-23 which allows youth to create their own instruments from recycled materials...

...but what stands out the most to me is his work/project Pracatum...this is a music school he built and coordinated in candeal pequeno...it is free for the youth to attend and is equipped with a library, recording studio and computer classrooms...i guess he also won the unesco award youth category for this school...i just learned that myself...i had the opportunity to visit the school in 2003 and was rather impressed...the building itself was beautiful and inspiring...i wanted to become a musician just walking through the building...but talking to the people was what really impressed me most about carlinhos...it's 'easy' to go build something somewhere for the people and many people do that...but he went above and beyond that...he also installed infrastructure allowing inhabitants of this community access to running water, electricity, improved health and countless other things they had been waiting on the government to provide...the community members told me that he essentially eradicated crime, drugs and violence in the neighborhood...me being the somewhat cynical asshole that i can be, looked at the communitymembers incredulously...i of course asked how...the school itself provided jobs for people...the infrastructural things he implemented improved the living situation and gave people hope and told them someone did care about them...he created an auditorium which serves as a source of income for the community...and he still manages to create music as he is to release or has newly released an album as carlito marron...

...i hope you can see why this man impresses me...one person really can come in and make changes for a whole community...he used his money and what he's passionate about as well as what was culturally relevant and acceptable for the inhabitants and made improvements in life for the inhabitants...and its sustainable, as it has been going strong for some time now...we often hear people talk about giving back to the community and it sounds nice...'yeah, i donated $11,000 to the neighborhood library'...or 'i built a hospital in my father's village'...my favorite, 'i spent $3-40 million to build one school for 100 little south african girls'-oprah...now, please o, i am not saying it is easy to do any of those things or that they should be written off as trivial or meaningless...but when i envision what kind of 'giving back' to the community i want to do, i envision it more in the vain of carlinhos' work...where people can actually say more than, 'she built a [insert wonderful something]'...but 'she changed our lives'...or 'we are now able to do things we couldn't do before'...and as i kind of like to be in the background [just thank me once otherwise i become very shy and embarrassed], they could even just say 'we have so much more now, clean running water, electricity, no crime, gardens which provide sustenance and income, etc.'...

...so pulling from a quote of his and flipping it: [name of your country] should organize, organize your street...and frankly, it is as simple as that...if we all just organize our street, imagine what changes/improvements we could see...that's my black history for the day, although he isn't dead...he is live history...read up on him or buy his music...

...pondering becoming a ghanaian citizen...

2008-02-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

see how naija don fuck up?!...chai!!...what nonsense was that?!...losing 2-1 to a ten-man ghana?!...i didn't watch the game but am hoping that n.i.m.m.o. has a good analysis...i'm seriously considering selling my citizenship...

...nonetheless...it's february!!!...black history month...joy...the little month set aside to celebrate our contributions to the world...so in honor of ghana's win and thus far successful hosting of the african cup of nations, we'll talk about one of my favorites: kwame nkrumah...

...i personally like kwame nkrumah and actually need to learn more about him...he was the first prime minister and president of ghana...a visionary, well-educated pan-african...while alive, he strived to develop ghana with the building of roads, schools, bridges and various community programs...he was significant in the forming of the organization of african unity, which was later abandoned for the african union...he believed in socialism and wanted to make ghana more industrial...some may argue that he wanted and pushed for rapid industrial development to the detriment of the people...but considering that mr. nkrumah was really trying to invest in making ghana and the rest of africa an independent entity, in the vain of socialism/egalitarianism and that there is always some struggle before the reaping, i personally don' think nkrumah should be judged so harshly...its not like after he was removed by coup that we found out that the guy was hoarding loads of money

...he stands out because he was passionate about creating an africa and ghana that had its own unique identity but was able to flaunt her wealth and beauty, completely free of any ties of colonial rule...an uncompromising anti-imperialist who saw the potential and possibilities for africa to emerge, united and liberated... considering the state of africa and ghana today, one has to wonder what could have been had he been allowed to continue his work...the akosombo dam he receives criticism for provides much of the hydroelectric power ghana uses...i like to use cuba...they may not be the richest country in gdp, but, for the most part, everyone has access to the minimum essentials of life: housing, healthcare, etc...(those things they don't have may be as a result of embargos)...

...if you don't know about nkrumah, look him up or grab a book and read about him...

...blame it on the igbos/[insert tribe of choice here]...

2008-02-01T08:32:00.000-08:00

[you may bypass the convo if you so feel inclined...working on a technique here...]
woman 1: sha, we just dey try o...

woman 2: no, but this your place, it's nice...at least it is quiet here...if you had seen the place they were living before...only God knows how they managed to survive...

woman 3: it is a nice place...it's not too small and it is big enough for you, your husband and children...you own it?...

woman 1: no o!...for where?...na to rent i pay 200,000 naira a year...i no get money to buy this place...

woman 3: oh...that is much...

woman 1: ehn...na so it is...it was cheaper before...but na igbos make the price come climb...

me: how did igbos do that?...they are the landlords?...

woman 1: no...they came and started buying these places?...

me: *confused look*...how did that drive the price up?...

woman 1: eh hehn...five or six of them like this go come buy one of these places and live...like say, if you wan buy this place for three million, them go come and offer six...like that, the price dey rise...me: but is that their fault?...

woman 1,2 & 3: yes!...

me: *really confused look*...how?...did they ask the landlord to take their offer?...or to increase the price just on gp?...

woman 3: no, but by them offering to pay more, the landlord thinks he can charge more...

woman 1: it's because they can come and live six in this tiny place to save money...

me: but whose fault is that you can't do the same?...the same happens in the us...people want to get mad at latinos or asian families who will come and rent a three bedroom apartment for three different families to split the rent...they save their money until they can buy a house they want...why is that their fault?...

woman 2: because they are making the landlord believe that all of us can pay that price...

me: i still don't see how you can blame them for what the landlord thinks...if you know the landlord will do that, then you should band with other families and do the same so you can save and buy your own place...

woman 1: i can't do that o!!!!...

me: eh hehn, so that is your fault, not igbo people's...

woman 2: anyway, they are rich...

me: what does that have to do with anything?...

woman 3: well they are rich and can afford to come buy the place expensive...

me: that doesn't make sense...so all igbos are rich?...is there something inherent about being igbo that makes you rich?...and so because you are rich, you will just come and spend extra money?...

woman 1: they are businesspeople anyway...

me: let me guess, that is also bad for the average nigerian person right?...whose fault is it that they are business-saavy?...go learn how to do business or figure out your way to make money...

woman 2: it is not easy...

me: so, you just sit here and blame igbos for your inability to conduct good business instead of going to learn how to do business?...*shakes head*...doesn't make sense to me...excuse me, but it sounds like you are the stupid (maybe i said stupid in my head...i can't imagine saying that to three older women and still being here to blog) one to sit and complain instead of going to make your money...so igbos should stop prospering because you can't?...oya, sit and wait o!...tell me how that goes...

...and on this ridiculous conversation went in festac, lagos...you hear about tribalism and know that it exists...but to actually be involved in such a convo...i think it is stupid...there is nothing wrong with being proud of your tribe/ethnic group, your history, your culture and where you come from...all should feel as such...but to conjure up reasons to demean and devalue another is rather useless and does nothing to improve your lot...i was initally just listening to these women, obviously not igbos, discuss whatever until they landed on that discussion...then i had to interject because it no longer was making sense and frankly i couldn't sit by and hear such rubbish...i know we all engage in some level of tribalism/racism/[insert root word] ism but this was just absurd...i really hope my generation and those after can help to do away with that...maybe because in the us, you realize that you are all black and then nigerian...most people don't know what tribe is what or their characteristics nor do they care enough to learn the idiosyncracies...

...i guess this whole kenya situation has me thinking about this again and whether it could happen in naija...many people seem to think not...but i wouldn't dismiss it so easily...especially after conversations like that...think how easy it would be for a charismatic hitler like igbo, hausa, yoruba, fulani, [insert tribe] leader to come in and scapegoat another tribe...the sentiments are there and deeply rooted...grown and educated people argue blindly based on obscure reasoning...it bothers me because its scary to think that tomorrow my friends could come to kill me simply because i am not igbo, yoruba or whatever tribe/ethnic group they are...i wish i had studied pyschology to better understand how that shit works and then counteract it!...

...in the us, you see it happening with the pitting of the poor and ethnic minorities against immigrants...based on some crazy argument that the immigrants are taking jobs...i won't hop on my soapbox about that today...but it's the same...the tensions between foreign 'blacks' or latinos with those born in the us could one day be exploited and erupt into the same thing...i am not sure why it takes humanity so long to learn...rwanda, bosnia and countless others haven't been enough huh?...you want your own before you can say, ah hah!!...i understand....just means i have to hurry up and start doing my work...

...the week has been crazy!!!!...interviews and interview prep, drove to the bay and back in one day [beautiful, breathtaking scenery on the way there and back...almost crashed going and coming trying to crane my neck to take in the beautiful water and blue and green hued mountains resting against big, fluffy white clouds and patches of baby blue sky...i exhaled], playwriting [i have a partner and its for real yo!!!...we are writing away, well we got characters:)], applying for grad school and the fuckery of writing personal statements, internship work, tb tests [i hate needles!], networking with a guy who says he needs writers for scripts [hello!...so going to be calling him!] and on and on...now, if someone could pay me for all this, we'd be good to go:)...